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[–]radioactivities94 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link
You worry too much. A man is good for stopping that.
Why are you viewing relationship dynamics in terms of control?
[–]TangerineGrey0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago* (16 children) | Copy Link
Have I misinterpreted the redpill because here there's talk all the time of being submissive. How is it not about control? EDIT: You're right I do think too much though
[–]batting4fireflies6 points7 points8 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I struggled with this concept too when I first stumbled across the red pill. After applying the theory to my own relationship, I have realized that control has completely disappeared from my relationship.
I have relinquished trying to control every single thing my man does by being "submissive" (while I personally like to think of this as trusting him to make the best decisions in his own life and in our relationship). I still make the decisions when it comes to my inner personal world and work.
He takes his captain role seriously and knows, like any good leader, controlling someone does not work. He never "commands" me (unless it's in the bedroom because I'm personally into that). When he makes decisions, he always asks for my input and he makes decisions that work best for both of us.
Submissiveness does not mean being a doormat.
*edit grammar
[–]TangerineGrey1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
What kinds of decisions pertain to the relationship?
[–]batting4fireflies0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
The first one that comes to mind that comes up frequently is: what/where to eat.
One recent more substantial example: we were living in a three bedroom, loft apartment. The rent is expensive and after living there for a while, we realized the utilities were extra expensive because of the high ceiling. We both knew it was best to move and reduce our monthly costs. We came down to two options 1) move into a smaller more affordable apartment 2) invest in buying a house with affordable monthly mortgage payments. We talked about the pros/cons together extensively, but in the end, I deferred to his judgment. He decided to move to a smaller apartment because he is still in his apprenticeship and didn't feel comfortable making an investment in a home until we are married and he is a licensed electrician.
Currently, we are trying to decide whether or not to get a dog. We have been discussing pros/cons and in the end, I will let him decide because I trust he will take all points into consideration and make the best decision.
[–]TangerineGrey points points points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Ones it has been extensively discussed how do you even know whose decision it was and who is making the compromise?
[–]batting4fireflies1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Honestly, I don't and I also don't care. I don't want to keep tabs on who was right and who was wrong. I also don't want to keep tabs on who is compromising more.
I have been in relationships before where I felt like I was constantly compromising and bending over backwards for my man. That was because those men were not good captains and not good decision makers. It wasn't because I was being submissive. I ended those relationships.
I feel you. I guess it boils down to empathy and compassion and caring about the person. I figure I don't have to worry to much about whose in charge or why.
[–]batting4fireflies1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
In a romantic relationship, you definitely shouldn't feel like you have to worry about who's in charge and why. You put that really well. And I just wanted to say thank you for asking really thoughtful questions.
[–]radioactivities93 points4 points5 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
It's about enjoying being a woman in a relationship. You just let go and you can better see if you got a good man...a masculine one.
Granted, if you like more neutered roles, then go for a guy who isn't traditionally masculine.
Practical question:
Would you like to be the one who does most of the driving everywhere or chill in the passenger seat mostly?
[–]batting4fireflies2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I like you driving analogy. I (literally) drive when I have to, but I hate it and love when my man drives when we are together. He once told me he appreciates this because he feels like it is something he can do for me that is simple but also takes a ton of stress off me.
[–]radioactivities91 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes. It's the same with me. The less stress we feel, the more love we can give. Let the ones with testosterone do that stuff, any woman should realize they find it fulfilling. It's sad to see women who don't ''get it''.
[–]Willow-girl1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's an interesting analogy all right, IMO, because we usually trade off driving depending on a host of variables -- whose truck we're taking, who is most familiar with the route, whether one of us is tired or sick or simply feels like driving or doesn't. There are even times when we started out someplace in my truck (so I naturally drove) but I was tired so I pulled over and let the man take over. That's sort of how we roll, just adapting to situations as they come up. :-)
[–]TangerineGrey0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
How to tell if a man is traditionally masculine?
I like masculine men but my need to take care of people is very strong. Think of it like a road trip, one person driving all the time doesn't seem fair.
[–]radioactivities90 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
There's no point in keeping score when there's no end to the game. It's not about fair. It's about bonding.
Plus, I asked what you'd prefer, not what you think is fair/moral/equal, etc. which is it?
I want to be taken care of but I also want to be able to take care of him. I want to be his confidant, a second opinion for when he could potentially be wrong. I don't know how I could be in a relationship where I have this expectation of my man always being right. I mean isn't it human to sometimes make mistakes. And there are going to be disagreements and I don't understand how they could be resolved when one person is burdened with always right and the other person has to adjust her agreements all the time.
[–]radioactivities91 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It just sounds like a good way to learn to really listen to someone and express opinions respectfully. There's really not that much to it. People naturally tend to care more about different things, so he makes some decisions, she makes some decisions.
You are already imagining disagreements. Imagine a man whose opinion you share and trust instead. Way better. State of mind is a powerful tool
Exactly, if you find a man you truly trust, then it's surprisingly easy to let him make decisions. Not because you have to think he's right simply because he is a man, but you think he's right because you know he is a good decision-maker.
It's kind of how my clients shouldn't take my legal advice just because I'm an attorney (because let's be honest, some attorneys are awful). They take my advice after I have spent time building up some trust. they realize I am specifically trained to make certain legal decisions and they trust me enough to look out for their best interests.
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[–]radioactivities94 points5 points6 points (17 children) | Copy Link
[–]TangerineGrey0 points1 point2 points (16 children) | Copy Link
[–]batting4fireflies6 points7 points8 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]TangerineGrey1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]batting4fireflies0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]TangerineGrey points points points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]batting4fireflies1 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]TangerineGrey points points points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]batting4fireflies1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]radioactivities93 points4 points5 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]batting4fireflies2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]radioactivities91 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Willow-girl1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TangerineGrey0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]radioactivities90 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]TangerineGrey points points points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]radioactivities91 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]batting4fireflies1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link