Welcome RPW. We are continuing on our journey reading Fascinating Womanhood. We will review one chapter a week. If you missed last week’s post you can find it here Feel free to comment about your assignments from last week if you have anything to add. We are wrapping up the “Understanding Men” section in a few short weeks.

Chapter 10: The Provider

”Another reason the man should provide: Inborn in a man is a keen sense of responsibility to provide the living and to function effectively in this role. Being successful in this area of his life is as important to his feeling of worth as a woman's in succeeding as a mother and homemaker.”

The author encourages us to envision a romantic scene, one where the father goes out into the world giving his sweat and effort, and the mother brings warmth and nurturing to her home and their dear children. They ask us to stop envisioning this as such a romantic picture, and instead value this imagery as a more fulfilling reality, a reality that we should be acting to accomplish.

”A man has an inborn need to feel needed as a provider, to feel that his wife depends on him for financial support and can't get by without him. In addition, he has an inborn need to excel women as a provider. A man’s feeling of worth can be undermined when he see's women in the workforce doing a better job than he.”

It's not fair to judge a man for his feeling of worth being undermined by women excelling him. That's like asking a woman not to feel their worth undermined by other beautiful women, or women who seem to be better mothers. Our intention to comfort those who are doubting their worth may just come off that we are invalidating their feelings. Let them feel this way, help them as they cope. For the example of man, do your part to allow him to provide, to let him bolster his own worth in that way. Just as the example of the woman who finds her worth in beauty, support her and help her to be and feel beautiful, this is more meaningful than telling her to stop valuing beauty.

What a Man Should Provide

Did you ladies know that Helen Andelin's Husband, Audrey Andelin, is an author as well? I did not. He published a book called Man of Steel and Velvet In 1972. Has anyone's Captain read it? It seems like MRP reading material, be the alpha, but also comfort and protect. Interesting!

”Financial Support and along with this, Fidelity have always been the two main entitlements for a woman in marriage.”

A Place to Call Home: It is advocated for a man to provide his family a home of his own, separated from other's. This will allow his wife to create a home with privacy, and it affords the opportunity for her to make her home in the way she desires. Although there may be outstanding considerations which may temporarily keep a man from attaining this, it should be a goal.

Necessities: This means food, clothing, security, education for the children, with some comforts and conveniences. These are the things that God calls upon a man to provide for his wife.

Luxuries: There is no obligation to provide luxuries!

”Women and children are not entitled to ease and luxury, to style and elegance. His duty is not to provide a costly home, expensive furniture, and décor.”

Men certainly resent “lifestyle creep.” As their income increases--so do the demands. Men do not want to be financial slaves to the whims of their families, that is not what is meant by being the provider. If he is too consumed by the drive to provide financially, he may be missing out on things of greater value. This could include spending time with his family, or spending time pursuing other passions outside of his career, recreation, education, and meditation.

The author goes on to Quote another book, “The Power of Sexual Surrender” by Dr. Marie Robinson. The quote lasts multiple paragraphs and is very powerful and valuable to read in its entirety. I found an entire digital copy of this book, and here is a link to page 147. The quote begins right after the single line “All men have nightmares” and ends almost two pages later with the same line. “It is true; all men have nightmares” I ended up reading for a few paragraphs more. It seemed interesting.

Do Women Who Work Feel the Same Pressure Men Do?

This may vary culturally, but the author argues that women do not face the same pressures. Family and society would not judge as harshly if the woman did not have to work and chose to make the home or the children her domain instead. SAHW and SAHM may feel that society judges them, but it is an unemployed or underemployed man that surely faces the wrath of the judgements of others. Arguably everyone who doesn't work may face some pressure or backlash, but men are judged more harshly than women.

”He and everyone else would consider him a failure if he were to neglect this important duty.”

PS: The subject of women working outside the home, and contributing to the household income, is covered in more detail in Chapter 21.

How You Can Help

Reduce Expenses: Live well within your husbands income. This will reduce his anxieties and is a good and practical way to be financially responsible.

Reduce Demands on His Time: Adjust your life to his. If he must work long hours, allow him to relax when he is not devoting time to his career. This may be a sacrifice, but it is worthwhile for his well-being.

Live Your Feminine Role:

”Let him make the living, and you make life worth living. Keep the home intact so it is running smoothly, with all daily needs met. Be feminine, cheerful, and do all you can to bring a peaceful spirit in the home. Such an atmosphere will relieve his anxieties and help him succeed as the provider.”

Live all of Fascinating Womanhood: When your marriage or relationship is free from conflict, both of you can be more resilient against the stresses of life.

His Drive for Status

Providing is not always about money. Parallel to his intrinsic drive to provide and protect his family is a drive for status. Human males are competitive with one another in similar form to the rest of the animal kingdom.

”Although money is usually the main incentive, the desire for position is also a factor. This is evident in the man who doesn't need more money but drives on for a higher level of achievement.”

Status with His Wife

”When a man has achieved an honored position, it may be heartwarming to receive the acclaim of the world, but greater is his satisfaction in receiving the acclaim of his wife.”

It is more important to him to receive the admiration of the women he loves than a pat of the back from his buddies. External validation is great, but it should also come from within the home, from his wife and his children and those that he loves the most. Do not withhold praise to spare his ego. It's not doing him any benefit and it may be harming your intimacy. Here is also a reminder to not esteem other men above him, even innocently such as with your father or brother.

”Although modest comments about other men are proper, don't be overly enthusiastic about another man's accomplishments.”

Excellence in His Work

Some men, especially very high-powered athletes, artists, and public figures must spend much time and attention maintaining their positions. This can be frustrating for the wives, but it is a special calling all the same. Allow him to give himself wholeheartedly to his work. Your support is a valuable contribution to his success.

”Men who lose themselves in their work have to neglect wives and children to some extent. They are the men, however that make the most notable contributions to society. It's better to have 10% of a hundred-percent man than 100% of a ten percent man.

Assignment

  1. ”If your husband is an adequate provider, tell him something like this: “I appreciate how hard you work to provide the living. It's a great responsibility. How do you manage it so well?” In this way you help him feel adequate as a provider.
  2. Read Chapter 11 Family Finances

Discussion

How do you make him feel like a cherished provider? How do you show him your dependence and gratitude? In a time where one income is uncommon, how do you balance his need to provide, and his self-worth which goes along with this.