I’m jogging along the beach one morning. Getting my cardio on while aggressively flexing my muscles at everyone I pass; doing the usual. Out from nowhere comes your mom. A white woman about 55: still reasonably in good shape but visibly worn from whatever the frat boys did to her in college.

She steps in front of me so suddenly I almost slam into her. I stop. She looks me dead in the eye and says, β€œMy asshole is an angry dinosaur.”

Bro, this is your mom I'm talking about here. Like yea, I wrote articles for you all the time, and yeah, obviously you didn’t understand half the time because they’re ironic, philosophical, or whatever. All you want is a bullet point list that will make you alpha. No offense, but bro I'm still trying to help you out; you know? Imagine how surprised I was when she said that to me.

So I'm just trying to process this situation because it's so unexpected; you know? And I'm like, β€œexcuse me what?”

Dude your mom is undeterred. She's on a mission. She just continues all casual β€œMy asshole is an angry dinosaur, and you're gonna be the meteor. Open up my back door. Beat it up till I crawl on the floor. Mike Tyson. Beat it like you mean it. Till the sun come up, and I no longer feel it.”

Bro, and I'm definitely not expecting an ass rap from this bitch--I mean your mom--no offense. But she just keeps going. She's all β€œStart me off with a butt-spank. Anne Frank. Throw you into my gas chamber... Penetrate it with your lightsaber. I want this asshole crippled like Darth Vader.”

At this point, I can't even comprehend what's happening. Your mom is not afraid to break rules, especially that part about Darth Vader. You on the other hand are always asking how to be Alpha without offending people and constantly getting offended yourself. Sure you hide behind law 38 but everyone knows you're a tofu conformist (豆腐遡法者)--no offense. That's why all of this is so strange...

But Bro, she just keeps going, β€œWhat I want in my backside is you. Hashtag MeeToo. Fraudulent allegation. Here's the situation I want your high-mercury vaccination. Autism. Velcro shoes. Fuck this ass retarded till it’s watching Blue's Clues. Dora The Explorer. Cum in through my border. Make my backside synonymous with disorder.”

I'm thinking bro; how could this possibly be your mom? But, she obviously is. You're a very boring inside-the-box guy even though you claim to be Red Pilled. You would never dare to say anything this extreme. But dude, this is 100% your mom I'm talking about here.

All of this is just way over my head. Like, why is your mom even saying this to me? Menopause? Bro, I don't know. So I tell your mom to just say what she wants; in plain English, no rhymes or anything.

She says, β€œI need a bad bearded boy to cock-slam my asshole. I need you to be the Osama Bin Laden of my rectum. Completely destroy the place. I want you to September 11th my poop shoot. Slam into it like a Boeing 747. Then slam into it again and again. Turn it inside out. If you know what I mean…”

Afterwards I want you to touch my sphincter with a memorial speech. I want you to commemorate what you’ve done to me. Then we'll build a monument to my ass-hole, and recite poetry, and play sad touching-music.”

That's when I realized that such aggressive sexual drive is completely uncharacteristic of a woman. I had this crazy Red Pill realization. It's April 1st 2019, anything is possible. Which is why I know with absolute certainty that your mom is definitely a gay man.

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