I'm a 21 year old male, 6'0 190lbs 10% bodyfat. I've been working out since I was 16, I'm enrolled in the top University of my country and I have a decent job on the side. I'm also losing myself more and more into a black hole.

As a kid I was abused at home by boyfriends of my mother and bullied at school. I was placed into foster care on several occasions and to sum up my childhood, I guess you could say it was pretty traumatic.

When I turned 17 I dated a girl that had a crush on me since we were 13. It took me a year to love her, because I had never been able to trust someone in my life. She was the most devoted girlfriend one could wish for, always wrote me letters, knitted me stuffed animals and did everything to see me as much as possible.

We dated for 3 years when she cheated on me.

When she told me I threw up, I'm not proud to say it but I cried, she cried, and I tried everything within my power to make it work. Eventually, I went no contact, until she reached out to me because she was lonely and depressed as well. This was +-4 months ago, we have been FWB ever since and she doesn't want a relationship.

Truth is, I want to cut it off or have a relationship. I don't want to be inbetween. I have no one except for her, which is why I haven't gone no contact. I have nightmares every evening of her crying and the sight of that haunts me. Every day I feel like something inside me is hollow, it scares me because I haven't felt like this since the abuse as a kid.

How do you become happy from within, when you literally have nothing but yourself. Up until now I've had to do everything myself, and my ex always supported me. Her betraying me like that just destroyed the foundation and opened the gate to all the feelings I locked away for all these years.

I really don't want to see a therapist, as a child they have screwed me over too many times for me to be able to open up to one now.

tl;dr How do I occupy myself, distract myself from these feelings. It's currently 5 am and I've been in bed since 12, but I just can't sleep. Every time I fall asleep I have nightmares and I am afraid I'm falling back into depression at rocket speed.