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Rugger2row Archive

View 1 posts and 63 comments by Rugger2row on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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0

Rugger2row/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 05:06 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

From this post this seems like more of a you issue. But I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. A lot of us go into marriage thinking if we love someone or the way they make us feel, then we will be happy and life will be good. I think to be a good partner, it is necessary to have a level of self awareness and authenticity that we may not have. I got married later in life but and I married a great person but nearly one of us really did the important work to understand a lot of our core iss…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/26 01:59 PM
1

You can't do anything about the past. But you can do something about the future. But sometimes you have to embrace the now. Maybe volunteer. Sometimes helping others or animals can lead us to find the value in ourselves that we are missing. Lots of fresh air also seems to help me. Sorry man, this stuff is hard to go through.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 05:41 PM
2

If you expect change in a month after years of being deprioritized or unhappy, you will be disappointed. When starting therapy it often seems to get worse before it gets better. I'm guessing a year is more realistic. That is with 2 people who actually care and are open to therapy. Most people can't get past the airing of grievances before checking out. I know I am not a fan of that stage.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:14 AM
3

A lot of it depends on what you want. Restarting a relationship with someone who is in the walkway wife stage is really hard. For quite some time the positive signs are incredibly subtle and you feel like you get very little out of it. My wife not getting up and walking away when I enter the room is a small victory. Trying to do the work in a way that gives me perspective and doesn't make me feel small and weak is not easy. And make no mistake, it is lonely work. But raising my kids as a family …
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 12:15 PM
1

Didn't blame anyone. Everyone holds weight. I just don't think he is going to get what he wants with this approach. I'm also stuck in a dead marriage and I tried that approach...it wasn't helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 03:40 PM
3

That experiment is not going to help. Over 20 years, there is a lot of shared history. Which means there is potential for a lot of resentment. Pointing fingers and making accusations is not going to get you what you want. Doing what you do for the family does not entitle you to anything. It just means you are a good roommate. You can't bully her into wanting intimacy. Be a better partner. There are tons of resources for that. You don't sound like a safe place for her. Comparing your wife's love …
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 01:50 PM
5

If you chase her you will lose yourself unfortunately. It sucks but kinda is what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 12:36 AM
15

The second you tell someone you want a divorce, is the second your marriage ends. It changes things. It tells them your commitment to them is conditional. Unless they are an exceptional person. Most of us aren't. It certainly torpedoed my marriage, for good reason I suppose. At this point just killing time as a family until the inevitable. My best advice is to try not to diminish yourself to make them happy.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/25 03:36 PM
2

Sounds like you should leave. There is no shortage of advice on how to divorce. If you can't find your peace in your current situation, change your situation. The villain in one story can be a hero in another. When 2 people feel unloved and they don't want to or can't fix it, then maybe they need to not be together.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 11:24 AM
1

Start working on yourself. Gym, therapy, hobbies, etc. The only women you will attract when in this state will be nightmares most likely. Like attracts like.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/25 11:02 AM
6

Move forward with the divorce. That is more likely to bring her back than chasing her. Sorry for this situation.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 02:14 AM
3

Sounds like you both want similar things. Just go with it. If it stops working for you at least you know that it isn't a barren wasteland for you!
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 03:18 AM
0

I have a 5 and an 8 yr old and have been living in this weird limbo for 2 yrs, I hate it but man do I love these kids. You have to understand that you are starting a new relationship, if you try to pursue the old one...just doesn't work. Things will work out the way they are supposed to in the end, but I hope you are successful. It's a fucking grind though. Kids are worth it though imo.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 02:03 PM
3

I think if you word it out loud, it will backfire. Keep doing what you are doing. Cultivate positive experiences but don't simp. Just my .02
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 01:37 PM
1

Thanks for your words. My wife is recovering from a surgery so I think I will see more of what is going to happen once that recovery takes place. She is about a month out right now. I definitely feel all those things and the weight of them but I have been able to reduce how they affect me. When it comes to parenting boundaries, I parent more or less in the manner that is consistent with how I want to help them become the people I believe they are going to need to be. It isn't perfect because she…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 10:20 PM
2

Definitely file, put alimony in a fund for your kids if it bugs you or deny it. I haven't filed because my wife is a very good person and an excellent mother( our marriage just sucks). Your situation is way different. Get yourself out of that situation! Just my 0.02
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 02:50 PM
6

Not divorced yet. Not even sure if we will get there. My wife is a very good person and great mother, but she is just kinda existing. Her life revolves around the kids and her anxiety at times is very palpable. I won't have to be around that suffocating anxiety if we do divorce, but even going a couple days without seeing my children just doesn't feel like it's going to work for me. So I feel stuck.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 11:28 AM
19

When someone acts crazy, believe them.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 04:06 AM
2

We are technically still married. So I wouldn't know. I think it depends. Since we have young kids we essentially do not have friends. I think you will find that most of your friendships dissolve but the ones that stay will evolve. People often see divorce as black and where there is a good guy and bad guy. Finding a men's group would probably really help you through this. We all struggle and our struggle is just different.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 05:24 PM
6

As someone who had kids with someone with crippling anxiety, get out now. It's tough because you care for them but impossible to bring up and resolve isssues. You will be walking on eggshells until you eventually resent her so much you no longer give a shit. Sorry you are going through this. It is really rough.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 02:27 PM
9

Then it is probably time for you to file if this is what you want.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 09:12 PM
7

You are grieving and that is normal. Don't watch Schindler's list. Watch uplifting or funny things. Keep putting one foot in front of another. Eventually you will get where you need to be.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 01:05 AM
2

Ohio is the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:50 PM
5

I most likely will be. She is a tremendously good person, just very difficult to be married to at this point. I find her anxiety suffocating at times and she finds my presence intolerable. I do love my 5 and 8 yr olds to the moon though, so here I am for now.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 01:31 PM
2

Anything that happened in the past cannot change. I guess I am trying to understand (maybe a language barrier here). Was she unfaithful after you married?
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 12:43 AM
2

Sounds like you may be in a place where your focus should be on yourself and your children. Those areas seem like they require plenty of oxygen at this time. Good luck in this.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:01 AM
2

It does not sound like you are on the same page based on that. She may think she is going to be ok with that. If she is she has probably had some lousy men in her past because that is not a healthy mindset. People who cannot give other's space tend to have trouble valuing themselves. I firmly believe the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person...if that makes sense.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 09:46 PM
3

Seems like a conversation you need to have with her. It isn't unkind to tell someone the truth although it isn't always well received.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 05:01 PM
5

A mother willing to leave her children is not mentally well. It goes against nature. My words were unkind, so I guess I should apologize for that. Sorry ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 01:58 PM
3

I will not be, lol. Your ex must have been completely looney tunes. The only situation where I would give full custody of my children would be if I had a terminal illness. I'm not a huge fan of my current life but I am not ready to give up 50% of my kids' childhood with me, pretty sure my wife feels the same.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 01:22 PM
6

Last message said it perfectly.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 01:59 PM
11

I think if both parties do some deep reflecting, work on themselves, then together to fix the broken parts of their marriage, and then come together gradually it can work. Generally that is not the way it happens and things degrade into an absolute shitshow.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 11:53 AM
4

Your feelings will lead you into another shitty relationship. You are going to be fine. Put your life back together and level up. You can look back on your marriage and learn about the things about yourself that no longer serve you both in yourself and in a partner. Rather than as a failure this divorce can be a stepping stone to a better you which can lead you to a person who enriches your life. Fear will shrink you. If you didn't learn shit and don't try to grow from this experience, you may g…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 11:10 AM
7

Pretty normal to feel the way you do. Take accountability within yourself for your part and work on healing the parts of you that feel broken. Worrying about how a woman who has given up feels or what she says you did wrong is pointless and a waste of your time and energy and will only take you down a rabbit hole of self-loathing. People often rewrite the past bast on current emotions. Don't try to convince her otherwise or win her back, no point. Once they decide to go and take that leap by tel…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 01:40 PM
11

My vote is for deliberate. Women that are at the stage you are at seek validation everywhere imo. Making you feel like shit can be very validating for them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 10:10 AM
23

She has gotta go. Why would you ever want to choose between your child and a chick. Especially an unkind one.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 02:04 AM
1

Therapy can get you to a point but imo can also trap you in your pain if you are just stuck, then it just feels like a waste of time. Do shit that makes you feel good about yourself. Eventually, you will start to feel better. If you are punishing yourself for the past, you are going to be stuck forever because the past is a fixed point in time. Work on focusing on the now. Worrying about the future is nearly as useless as fretting about the past. It is hard but this seems to be the way forward.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 02:40 PM
3

I think there are lots of reasons. Probably all of the above. It is also easier to lose that connection with all the distractions. Also, it is more common to put the kids before the relationship, which makes for codependent children and shitty marriages.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 05:23 PM
7

Doing those things will probably just make you feel worse and won't accomplish what you want. The whole I love you but not in love with you nonsense is just that, listen to the words that matter...she wants a divorce. When they have decided they are done, people can be cold-blooded. She will not see your value, more than likely will see you as a lesser person. If a woman sees you as a lesser person, she will treat you as such eventually. When they have quit, the things you are doing just makes t…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 08:39 AM
6

When my wife stopped getting undressed in front of me. She is polite but the warm and kindness is long gone. It's been 2 years, still here. My kids are so young, I guess I haven't been able to file. She is having a major surgery in the summer, I guess we will see what happens after that. Like with everything else, the actual action will fall to me, that way she can blame me for the decision she made long ago when she took off her ring. Good times!
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 12:10 PM
13

That's pretty much how it goes. But hidden in there are clues to what you probably need to do to actually reconcile. When I had that conversation my main thought was....this woman is completely insane. When a woman is in that frame of mind, she is just looking to punish you. Many of us have been there.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 02:32 PM
2

I feel for you. Just basic kindness and consideration is something I miss. For years I have felt like the invisible man although what I am living now is next level invisibility!
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 12:43 AM
10

For me accepting the divorce part is easy, it's accepting the change for the kids and access to them that has really been wrecking me.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 05:24 PM
5

Like with any relationship, communication is important. If it is causing you issues, then talk to them. No point confronting anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 01:34 PM
4

It doesn't sound like dating is a good idea for you right now imo.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 08:50 PM
3

Based on what you have said I don't think what you want is possible with this woman. You can continue to compromise but it doesn't sound like that is working for you. Tough situation.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 01:34 PM
1

I guess I would put it this way and this is largely from my perspective. When I see a problem and want to fix it I tend to go all in on trying to find a solution, often not necessarily gathering enough background. For someone live my wife who takes a long time to come around to a decision, it makes her feel like I am not respecting her autonomy. Give her space and let her experience you. Don't tell her, she will see for herself. It's a long road because even if she is interesting in holding off …
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 02:19 AM
2

You don't really have anything to lose provided your intentions are sound and you are able to work through things. Are you capable of handling the fact that her effort may not match yours or her desire may not be as great to work on changing? You don't want to lose it and end up even worse off since you will be coparenting regardless. Something to be mindful of. I do think it is worth a shot, but I would encourage you to be very gentle in your approach. Obviously I am flying pretty blind here:) …
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 04:19 PM
3

My wife is the one who wants divorce but I definitely will be the one to actually have to end this thing because she gets paralyzed by fear and has an almost impossible time making decisions. We are talking about a person who has night panic attacks for weeks when deciding where to have a birthday party for our 5 yr old. I am indifferent for the most part towards the marriage but my kids are 5 and 7 so I struggle with the fact that they will be hurt. Not the life I would have wanted for them, ho…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 01:59 PM
6

If you need help you need help. If a mother doesn't feel her children are safe, that is a problem which goes deeper than just coparenting problems imo. Regardless of whether or not you are discussing things in front of the kids, they see and feel more than we realize. If you do in fact need help I hope you get it. Hopefully you have the insight to know whether or not that is the case.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 08:48 PM
2

I feel you on the kids part. My 5 yr old son is very codependent and attached and I think it will be a struggle for him. I think my daughter will be a bit more resilient since she is in 2nd grade and has friends. A house across the street is for sale and I am hoping one of us can get in that house and one stay here. Probably a pipe dream! I was actually reading books about how to stop being a narcissist! It's pretty clear after reading those, I'm not one:) I appreciate the kind words.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 10:48 PM
5

Unfortunately, I don't think you can. At least I can't. It's not about my wife, it's my children for me. My dream was to raise the kids together, for my wife that dream is no longer possible. She just isn't capable of being in this marriage anymore. Too many years of putting up walls to deal with my coping mechanisms. If you are anything like me right now you are experiencing a terminal illness of that dream and that is painful. I now see so many places where I could have avoided this place and …
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 02:00 PM
4

Parenthood made it harder for me to balance my emotions and that really paved the way for more distance. I guess I thought that when the children got older we would find our way back to each other, unfortunately she had been holding on to a lot of pain and resentment over the years which has led to where we are now. Two people in a house waiting until after the holidays to start the dissolution. My kids are 5 and 7 so neither of us wants to ruin Christmas for them.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 01:37 PM
2

That's a pretty obtuse statement imo. I was 41 when I became a father and 43 when my son was born. Ironically, because of the last couple years and all the therapy I put myself through I am much better equipped to parent these kids than when they were born. I'm an RN in the ICU and I don't think I have had great insight into how deeply my job has affected me. My parents (especially my father) were always kind of a guiding influence so I guess for a long time I have felt like a ship without a rud…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 11:19 AM
2

That's a tough place to be in. I commend you for your commitment. I personally have started to believe that every relationship teaches us more about ourself. I hope that you both are able to get what you need. Both my parents are dead and to be honest I think this divorce and the subsequent loss of my partner and vision of life with my kids (5m and 7f) is going to be more painful in a lot of ways. I wish you both as well as any children involved the best.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 01:48 AM
4

He may not be sure himself. The only thing you can do is be honest with each other. He may not be in a position to give you what you need. Being vulnerable in that way when you are just struggling to keep your head above water is very difficult, especially for men. Ultimately, actions will always speak louder than words. The death of an important relationship, especially with the mother of our kids, is a complete mindfuck to most of us men. Most divorces are initiated by women after long periods…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 03:05 PM
3

That is an unsustainable existence for a man. Unfortunately I suspect she will be a nightmare co-parent. On the positive side, getting that monkey off your back will be nice!
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:48 PM
1

Constant understaffing continues to make the job much more stressful. Whether they died with or because of covid often depends on perspective but I experienced a ton of death, during those first couple of years of covid. During that delta wave of covid we had times where we would code people for a half hour because they were young. Most icu nurses I know have some level of ptsd from that time period. Dude that looked like me with a family that still needed them would spend weeks with us until th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 01:36 AM
1

Certainly not those who work during the day. I barely have time to piss. I work in the ICU and I do think over the last 5 yrs we have experienced a lot of trauma which can cause bonding for some. I don't see it very often but I guess I also tended not to really pay attention because that really isn't my focus. I think that sort of thing was more prevalent in the past. The job certainly changed me over the last 5 yrs in ways that were detrimental to my marriage although being unfaithful was not o…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 07:54 PM
1

I'm a nurse and I never cheated. Yay me. Still on this subreddit for a reason:( Be better for you, your kids, and future partner or partners. She can eat poop!
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 05:18 PM
2

I was older, 41 and 43 when my kids were born. 36 is still a baby, lol. I am getting snipped because there is no way I would risk going through this hell again. If my children weren't here I would have ended this marriage a while back. The big issue about having kids fairly soon is you really don't know your spouse until you go through some shit together. That takes time. My advice is don't shorten the vetting process or overlook red flags for you because you want to start a family asap. But of …
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 09:47 AM
3

Mine left me a year ago, and she is in the same house. Also sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:34 AM
4

You probably did, probably your ex as well. It's part of your story. If you came out of it with better insight and as a better person then the fact that you are divorced won't matter imo. I'm not there yet but it looks like divorce is unavoidable for me. Good luck. Ironically good people tend to become better people after divorces imo. Don't let dating beat you down!
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 01:04 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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