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69manu Archive

View 5 posts and 59 comments by 69manu on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

Just went thru this. I was in a 23 yr marriage which for the last decade slowly turned into an abusive one without me seeing it. Divorced 3 years. Anyway definitely over my ex. However I started seeing someone and she really was a very nice person but her wanting to be close eventually resulted in me bailing, she was emotionally more vested than I felt and honestly I felt a little suffocated - like I was losing what I’d worked so hard to gain since my divorce. My freedom, space, independence. No…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 03:07 PM
7

Same as jabbo142. 55 coming on 2 years divorce and 3 separation. Initial year was tough after that been focused on myself - physical and mental. Mental is a work in progress. Spent a lot of time back home in the UK with friends and family (folks I grew up with) - that was a major help. Still have to work in the US as well as having kids here. Now enjoying the freedom I have. Sometimes it’s hard to get motivated - easy to get in the work/gym/sports/tv loop but overall it’s good. Tried online dati…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 09:12 PM
3

Propose you go remote after an initial onboarding period of a couple of months ? Negotiate a trip back to Austin maybe every other month for a week? If you don’t ask u don’t get. Many things are negotiable. No harm in asking.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 02:47 AM
8

Good post and good to remind ourselves - I’m a year post divorce and reading this definitely helped remind me of why we are where we are. Many positives came out of it, all of which have been mentioned - mental well-being, control over one’s destiny, freedom, physical well-being, re-establishing relationships with friends and family, financial security, all positive. Without doubt moments of sadness and questioning the past but that’s why these posts are so valuable, taking stock and reminding y…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 07:30 PM
1

Agree on same story, took 23 years for the penny to drop for me. Still like you - mind is a mess.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/24 02:50 PM
2

I absolutely get it and you are not alone in your thinking. Stay strong. It is a roller coaster of a ride, but I keep hearing it gets better. I’m waiting for that moment but I have faith. Hang with solid friends and family and love on ur kids. Try not to be resentful, remember you are bigger than any of this. Good things and peace will come ur way.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:38 PM
6

Great post very motivating. No cheating that I’m aware of, possibly emotional ??? But definitely abusive tendencies. I’m an ex pat, living in the US and feeling lost since I built my life around hers in the US. Now figuring out where I belong ? Over time minimized my relationships with family and friends in the UK. Anyway trying to change that now, been going back far more frequently and still Iove the UK. Unsure of where I fit in, have a couple of step kids who accept me like their dad and one …
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 09:06 PM
4

“Deep down saw this marriage not working out and still took the risky plunge” - and did you do whatever you could to make sure it did work out until you were mentally/physically exhausted? Thinking of yourself last? Sounds very similar and a common theme. Took me over 20 years for the penny to drop. About 18 months post separation and 6 post divorce and it isn’t easy keeping positive, but trying. Good luck, this site is a godsend.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 07:00 PM
3

Was in the same boat and sadly none of that matters. If u can leave with ur sanity be thankful. Hopefully the peace of mind u gain is more valuable.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 05:10 PM
1

Touché
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 03:09 PM
3

If there isn’t any abuse as you’ve stated, it sounds like it would be worth trying counseling. You seem reasonable and understand it takes two, as others have stated it isn’t easy post divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/24 01:42 AM
6

Wow - this is Deja-vu or what. No official diagnosis but your post mirrors my experience 100%. Only difference was 23 years. Good luck, this group is very beneficial for the fallouts of this - namely the trauma bonding related thoughts, rumination etc.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/24 05:08 PM
1

Got it. It’s when I seem to ruminate on the good times and lose focus on what really happened that I refer to them. Otherwise I start questioning myself about what was reality vs not.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 06:24 PM
1

Yes I’ve kept all the texts she sent me over the last couple of years, calling me names, putting me down, recordings of things said, accusations etc as well as using notes to document truly what happened, how I felt. I do refer to them. But the sadness has a way of creeping in. And just thinking why? It doesn’t help that my solid friends and family are in the UK. Kids and step kids are here. At times I feel I’ve given so much and no one really understands. In reality maybe that is the grim truth…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 04:47 AM
3

The pain from ‘Phantom Limb Syndrome’ is real.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:57 PM
4

Peace of mind - priceless
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 07:33 AM
3

Agree you are giving up way too much - what about her 401K and pension? Seems she is pretty capable of standing on her own two feet? Try to keep a greater share of pension and 401K and divide marital debts equally?
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 04:08 PM
2

If u have to go thru her phone ? Red flag right there…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/23 11:15 PM
2

A pushy attorney. Not necessary aggressive in an unfair way, but one that takes no bs.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 03:23 AM
1

You are not a soft bitch, ur human and obviously love your wife. It doesn’t just go away. I understand how you feel. Weeks(possibly days) away from the final papers being signed. Was in it for over 20 years. I didn’t want it to end, just to get better. I truly loved (love ) her. I have no desire to get back ‘out there’, and it’s hits me hard every few days. For me it got to the point where a tiny glimmer of kindness meant so much to me and gave me the much needed hit of dopamine I needed to keep…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 02:24 AM
1

To further clarify - she made the comment about being a good choice at the time whilst in a fit of anger - not sure if that makes it better? She had a very scary temper. Funny you should mention about love making - often it felt like she was ‘holding back’ - is the best way to describe it. Very textbook and never really just letting loose/passionate and enjoying it - as one may want to with someone they adore/trust/love. Maybe out of 20 years she let loose/relaxed maybe 3 or 4 times. She wouldn’…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 02:00 PM
7

Just what I needed to read. Thanks 🙏.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 07:57 PM
4

You are not sounding rude at all - I am open to all feedback. And yes I do believe I fall into the Mr Nice Guy/ people pleaser category. I’ve read the follow up book. I do however try and understand what it might have been in my childhood that led me to where I am now. Honestly my father wasn’t the most touchy feely kind of guy and I think my mom more than made up for that. But the boundary setting you mention is exactly what I did not do and for the same reasons as you list. So still trying to …
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/23 03:14 AM
2

Thanks the positive words.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:38 PM
5

Time to get my balls back - thanks for the good advice.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:37 PM
2

Great point
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:37 PM
2

Lol…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:36 PM
2

Agreed, I got 3 good kids and we get along really well.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:36 PM
2

Very true and good advice . I still got 3 awesome kids out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:32 PM
2

Thanks for the reference I’ll have to check into it. Sad thing is I was happy to party/chill/party again with her. However the control and manipulation I believe was literally killing me - physical aches and pain and then acting like someone I didn’t recognize , minimizing contact with my family when growing up we were so close … unfortunately I left my family and friends in the uk and thus ended up building a lot of my life around her which overall wasn’t bad but it’s when I tried to just do so…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:31 PM
2

Sorry to hear that and yes I figured the same as you - marriage is hard - so now is the time to dig in and not give up. However will now value myself moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:27 PM
2

Interesting you mention that. I had been told to seek therapy by her multiple times and one of the therapists (although they cannot diagnose that unless the person comes in) brought up BPD when I described what was going on. Since then I’ve done a lot of reading on that and it sure sounds like it crosses off many of those points on the checklist. However I’ll never know - but I do know how it made me feel and it’s nice not being made to feel that way now. Although the anxiety and second guessing…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:24 PM
2

Glad you didn’t fall into the same situation again and were able to see red flags. I hope I do. But gutted is an understatement, feeling is almost shocked. To think you’ve poured so much into something and you are about to reap the benefits, that is kids are out and we can actually enjoy life together. Then it’s done. Although if I was honest with myself I should have been kinder to myself and not let anyone make me feel like shit for some long.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:17 PM
2

Definitely some naivety on my part.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:11 PM
2

It certainly feels that way - although I can truly wrap my head round it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 09:11 PM
1

Yep same story along with some behaviors I should have recognized as being manipulative/abusive earlier on. But it still hurts and the feelings are as described above word for word, 23 years in.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 11:27 PM
2

Same story as all the responses. Definitely feel down some days. If I sit and dwell on it I just can’t understand why. Certain triggers just knock me for 6. You don’t know what it’ll be, looking at old photos, visiting a certain store, driving along a certain road, eating somewhere, watching a certain show. I’m in my 50’s and she blamed me for not stepping up … but I’d spent the whole marriage putting her first and effectively stepping up. In doing so - I am the shell of the guy she met in my 20…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 03:00 AM
3

I hear ya brother. In for 22 years (30’s and 40’s gone) and don’t recognize myself. Looking back now that I am out, so much of what I thought was ‘marriage’ was actually abuse. I didn’t have the balls to call it like it was. Always doing what I could to appease her. She had already been thru a divorce and had a couple of kids which to this day I get on very well with. Learning that love isn’t hard and if somehow it has become a battle something is plain wrong. It’s weird after being on my own, I…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 07:03 AM
16

Not weird at all. Same boat - I get the house end of the year after I pay her out. She pretty much got everything in it, I couldn’t be bothered to argue over stuff that can easily be replaced. Funny how she listed items as ‘my this’ ‘my that’ - just because she went out and purchased them - while I was working. In fact she used the word ‘my’ quite a bit, vs ‘ours’? Maybe I’m analyzing too much. Didn’t wanna sell under the pressure of divorce but can’t imagine what it will be like. We only had it…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 03:06 AM
1

Yes, spot on with the ‘sorry’ but no change in behaviour. Regarding kids - they pretty much encouraged it, since they too had been on the receiving end of her treatment. Had them in tears on many occasions. Just a sad situation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 07:24 PM
2

Well put.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 07:19 PM
5

Very inspirational!! 54 and in a similar situation - Married 23 yrs kids 22/30/38. 9 months in. Definitely can be a struggle at times, since this wasn’t what I had envisioned for myself. However reality was very different. If I am honest with myself I was very unhappy, depressed and sad over the last few years. I miss the potential we had but even though she could be nice at times, she was mean and treated me terribly. Looking back - if my kids were in the same boat I’d tell them to think of the…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 11:53 AM
1

You should be at peace and content with yourself before finding a partner is my opinion. You don’t need a partner to fill a void or to fulfill anything - that from experience may be unhealthy.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 07:05 PM
2

Just keep it real and focus on the truth and what really happened and try to keep present. Bringing up past (similar to you… many years ago) situations which I thought were resolved became common. The energy sapping effect that had was horrible, rehashing old arguments just got so exhausting. Walking away from them was also not an option since that was considered uncaring and thoughtless - just no way out. I just try to force myself to focus on the truth and sometimes do break down. I figure it …
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 02:37 AM
1

Yes exactly the same (9 months separated, 3 months from divorce). All I can say is that it will slowly fade. I struggle daily. Wherever I go there are memories of doing things with her. House, shopping, hikes, restaurants, vacation places etc etc doing birthdays alone for the first time, buying presents alone for the first time etc. however the truth is I was alone in the marriage as it was. The mind is a crazy thing … it diminishes the bad and just tries to focus on the good. Need to journal ex…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 01:29 AM
1

Brother it is hard to say what is right or wrong. But remember there was/is a reason why you are in the predicament you are right now. As time passes so do memories of what brought you to where you are now. I find myself focusing only on the good and blocking out the negatives. I wasn’t in your shoes and obviously cannot tell u what to do. Just remember to be true to yourself and appreciate your self worth. Take a listen to this Ted talk - I found it on this Reddit site in another post. https://…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 12:59 AM
6

Add me to the list. Snap… This is my last 9 months verbatim since she filed(and last 10 years of a 22 year marriage). The words narcissist, emotional, financial and physical abuse all were in the divorce papers she filed. The truth was quite the opposite. Any of her actions which fell under the umbrella of abusive were justified in her eyes, since I made her behave that way. Counseling sessions were attempts to point the blame at me rather than looking at oneself and ways to improve. Truly sadde…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 10:38 PM
1

Same age and going thru a similar situation (23 years married). Was feeling very much like yourself and have been doing what others have prescribed on here. Gym, therapy, hobbies, self love. It is a roller coaster of a ride. Waves of emotions will hit you anytime anywhere - crazy things will remind you of her and reduce you to a slobbering mess. It’s part of the journey. Stay strong mate. I am slowly accepting it but it’s a battle. However this site has been very beneficial and helped me to unde…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 05:31 AM
1

7 months along and pretty much same boat as you. Currently paying house mortgage/bills, apartment rent/bills where I had to move to. Additionally paying an amount out of my check every pay day to her. Effectively am in negative after all bills are paid. Credit score a lot dropped due to amount I’ve had to put on credit. Was in the process of going back to court to reevaluate the terms - but will be in mediation soon. Hoping that resolves the majority of issues - if not will have to go back and a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 01:14 AM
2

I found https://www.avvo.com to be pretty useful in combination with google reviews.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 07:02 PM
2

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately I don’t know anyone. Trying to find a reputable attorney is the toughest part. I’ll go the route you suggested.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 01:24 PM
2

Just finished up discovery too and same boat. My stbx was suspicious I had money in overseas accounts which were in fact closed years ago, so it got drug out while I was trying to get statements indicating as such. I am double checking their paperwork and trying keep on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 05:10 AM
1

Appreciate the feedback and heads up.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 05:04 AM
1

I think it is… but then again better than what? It’s all relative. Spousal support etc seems to be a little better than other places and it seems the judges prefer to just work that out in a lump sum form vs dragging out payments for years - I’ve been told. Otherwise couldn’t comment on other aspects as they don’t all apply to me I.e. child custody/visitation etc
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/23 03:57 PM
2

Absolutely - not in any hurry to get back in the same predicament. Planning on catching up with family and friends. Over the years I had unknowingly isolated myself from them. I am slowly realizing what happened and how I let it. A friend likes to tell me, it was my karmic journey, I tend to agree. Not bitter(I think… ) - but ready to be at peace.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 03:14 AM
1

Yes thanks for your input. Regarding getting attorneys, it is too late for that. From the onset she was keen to ensure people saw my abusive nature (which isn’t true) vs keep costs manageable. Hence it fell under the category of a contested divorce. That was around 6 months ago. I did receive a text from her last week and based on the content it doesn’t sound like her mind has changed. However I do feel better about mediation based on the replies I’ve received 🙏.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/23 10:50 PM
1

Thanks the pointers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/23 09:17 PM
1

Sounds like good advice. It seems from the comments above mediation is in fact the more cost effective and quickest way to get resolution . Not having been in this situation before, I have no idea what to expect and how to navigate this whole process. I have no qualms about what legally I have to split it is what it is, however it’s the intangible that I am pretty naive about - namely the spousal support and of course her talk of ‘pain and suffering’. In turn my attorney countered with pain and …
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/23 05:40 PM
3

Thanks for the advice. As per my attorney the mediation will be with both attorneys and a judge in our county as the third person/mediator. As for the narcissism - nothing was ever ‘diagnosed’ but I’ve been doing a fair amount of reading and listening to podcasts on that topic and much of it rings true. I’ve been reading the book Splitting which also seems to be very accurate to my situation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/23 12:55 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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