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Feisty_Elderberry_96 Archive

View 8 posts and 299 comments by Feisty_Elderberry_96 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

For sure. I leared the best advice I got . . . was just someone listening and challenging me on what was going on - when I was ready to "open" up.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 08:23 PM
9

Dont ask him what he needs/wants. Dont make him make any decisions. Instead - suggest to grab a coffee some morning. One of my buddies did that when I was going through my divorce. Met Sunday morning for coffee. We then met every Sunday or Saturday morning. Some mornings, we just talked about work. Other times I complained about the divorce. Eventually when the divorce heated up -those coffee morning ended up turning into looking at a new house for me. Finally don't provide any opinions unless h…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 07:12 PM
1

Need your state/jurisdiction. Punch it into chat gpt to get an estimate. Or, find an online calculator your state provides. Given you both are on salaries, THAT (alimony and CS) calculations will be easy to determine. Given marriage length, you might have to pay that for 5 years (half amount of time married) or FOREVER. Again, find your jurisdiction, find the online calculator and start your research.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 03:43 PM
4

Be happy and grateful for what you have. I dont think you have kids, be grateful you dont with her. You wrote the line, You wrote you wont ruin your life over her. Good. Keep going with that attitude. Focus on what you can control. If it gets overwhelming when youre both in the house. Take a walk, go for a drive, go blow off some steam (without drugs or alcohol). Every person in this group has been in your situation - more or less. You'll get through it. We all have. Divoce is usually a few step…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 10:48 AM
2

If that's the best. Then there is your answer. You could always get a free consultation with some lawyers just to confirm..
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 07:41 PM
1

Yeah. In NYS someone has to be the primary parent - the one who also will receive CS. Check out the calculator and see if its worth it. If youre both W2 employees, maybe a lawyer isnt needed. And - I'm with you on your last comment. I pay an arm and a leg but - at least im not married to her anymore!!
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 05:06 PM
2

I'm in NYS. If she is the residential parent, she will get CS. Since her income went up, maybe you can lower your payment. There are online calculators out there you can plug in - to get an estimate. I actually made an app (only on Android) that calculates child support in NYS. (Divorce support). The cost of doing this depends. Are you both W-2 employees or does she or you run your own business. Is it simple as showing your last 2 years of tax returns and pay stubs (for you both). OR do you or t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 01:59 PM
4

Who cares. If youre divorcing the relationship is over. Be happy she is moving on, just imagine how crazy she would be if she was NOT getting laid. Focus on yourself and kids. If you want, try dating. But dont get all upset because she is moving on before you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 04:56 PM
2

This is the first year I have said (txt'd) anytime. Kid was with her, I asked/txtd to say goodnight (like always) and added a "happy mother's day." in that txt. I got no response and I dont care. My thinking, I paid her enough I alimony and will (and have been paying) enough in child support to her- that she doesnt need to work a "normal" FT-40 hour a week job. So there's her gift from me. :)
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 05:02 PM
1

The valuation in this is spot on. My ex and I each have pensions. She'll get 50% of the 4 years we were married / (estimated) 30 years of services. So 4/30 = 13.33% x 50% = 6.7% or whatever. I'll get 4 years (50%) of the 9 years we were married. So 4/9 = 44% x 50% = 22%. The dollar amounts will change. But this is the calculation, luckily it wont devastate me ...
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 08:35 PM
9

My ex put sewed a tracker in his backpack and also tracks him on his phone (she pays for). I'll say, at first I was pissed - this started in kindergarten. At first i was pissed. Now, whatever. She wants to track him - cool (he's 9 now). I let him bike to his friends house and tell him to txt me if he leaves and "be at xyz" at X O clock all the time. I ignore the tracking she has - and try to show him that I trust him in what he doing and try to show him what happens when he builds trust with. In…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 12:00 AM
2

This crummy part. And maybe the part you also need to hear. She probably knows what she can get (legally), what she wants and what she wants from you. My point, you probably cant "negotiate" with her directly. This is where divorce gets expensive and - if you dont have a mediator - you each send "mean" letters from your lawyer about what you want and why, etc. IF it gets to that point (my divorce certainly did) - limit the use of your lawyer for the back and forth and just take it to a trial (pr…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 10:24 PM
17

Dont sweat it. Recording will have limited uses. Unless you threatened physical violence, threatened the kids -- ie, something that cops/CPS would be interested in, it's all a nothing burger. Even if that WERE the case, your retort in court could be -- if she felt threatened why didn't she call the cops. Why didnt she leave the house, etc. Divorce sucks - but its generally not "this" type of a gotcha game. My ex thought us emailing each other "divorce settlement drafts" (between her and I) were …
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 01:08 PM
1

I just say no, its not yours and I have to fix it when you run into xyz. Similar but different. My son and I have a Big Rock and Granite 3s. Not anything special, but when he or we bash and something breaks - I have no issue buying parts and fixing. Plus my son, he's 9, is responsible, knows to run it at 50% or 75% and isnt going to hit someone or another car. But other kids. Nah. Even some of my friends cant hand the speed - and my rigs are pretty beginner level (compared to you all). So a litt…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 12:18 AM
2

I went to Florida (key west) alone. It was fine. I'd do it again, but someplace else. Eating solo, lounging at the pool, going for runs, breakfast, etc. were all fun. I was only there for 3 days. I'm not the most outgoing person, so it was a lot of hanging out by yourself. Reading, lounging in the sun. When I solo-cation again, Id go someplace different with more activities. But it was fun enough
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 07:07 PM
1

This. My now ex and I did therapy to "see if our marriage was dead and to remain friends through our divorce." Couple things in therapy really stood out to me. Anytime there was a challenging question pitched to her- she would refuse to answer. Anytime there was something pointed to her - that she could do better. She would start to cry to end that line of questioning. Anytime therapy was going the opposite way of what she wanted, she diverted the session to something different to keep control. …
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:00 PM
2

Yeah. I'm talking from experience! My first few dates while going through divorce (and a few immediately after) were not good! After a couple of drinks I would complain hard -"And then my ex did this!!" sort of thing - and wonder why there was no second date. It's all part of the process. Good luck. Have fun!
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 01:13 PM
5

Do not talk about your ex. Do not talk about your pending divorce. Do not speak poorly or complain about your ex, no matter what. Just be yourself. If she likes you, and you like her. Maybe at the end say - we should do this again.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 11:26 PM
6

Oh. This was an "equitable" distribution of assets of the divroce. Get a lawyer, asap. File a motion. You're not talking about $100. You're talking about $10s of thousands of dollars....
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 11:14 PM
2

Just take it out of you next payment - whatever it may be. You paid $100 too much in child support. Next month you pay her $100 less.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 05:42 PM
1

Men sacrifice their happiness for their family. Women sacrifice the family for their happiness. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your kids. I'm not a huge advocate in therapy, but it could help your kid(s). Maybe even ex would partake with you; "family unit therapy" - assuming she isn't completely volatile. (Just saw someone post a similar comment. But it's so true. I just got done dating a single mom with a 2 year old. She - at every opportunity- sh1t on her ex, and knew she wouldnt stay …
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 01:42 PM
3

I just used it for a women who I was dating that decided to "take some space." I asked what that actually mean. ChatGPT, I think was spot on in saying that she probably slowly emotionally detaching (when I told it about our relationship). It was right. It was good to get somer perspective; albeit I took it all with a grain of salt.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 01:35 PM
1

This was over 5 years ago. He was $300 or $350 an hour. And yeah I read the invoice. They bill by the quarter hour. So that 8 minute call I had to discuss xyz would cost me $75. Multiple that by multiple calls throughout the weeks when stuff heated up - and the bills climb pretty quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 08:52 PM
2

Yes. My case cost about $15k, I also paid most of my ex's fees.y divorce was not amicable. We had three separate pre-trial conferences with a judge. Without my lawyer I would have blindly accepted some of my ex's terms just to "get it over with." Some issues I had with my lawyer revolved around me. E.g., I didn't know what I wanted in terms of custody or even the financial split. A lot of time/money was wasted communicating with my lawyer - for me - to figure out what I wanted. My point. Figure …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 06:16 PM
2

This could be a situation for joint/marriage counseling. If she is resistance, I think that's a sign. If you do, do "it." Make it a swift and efficient move. Decide to do it, vet lawyers and move. Dont "ask her" for a divorce, just file and do it. Living in the guest bedroom of YOUR OWN home isnt it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 06:40 PM
28

Sounds like you dont have any kids. Good. She's done. And Dave was lined up for weeks or months. Consider this a blessing. You now know exactly what you are dealing with. Don't do anything stupid. Proceed with the divorce as planned, asap. If you have no kids it should be straight forward. "Be grateful for the things in your life you wish never happened." Now you know youre officially done. Move on. Find out what makes you happy, and do it (without her). Dont live in the past, dont try to win he…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 06:15 PM
5

Good. Took me about a year to unfriend and block my ex, her family, her (our) friends and friends of friends. I went scorched earth - want to know what happened after. Nothing. I realized most if not all of them were aligned with my ex (ie, I was the ashole).
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 03:50 PM
1

You cant make it right. Women use emotions to make decisions, men use logic/rationale. She's done. The sooner you move on the better. I put my Ex in silent and no notifications mode on my phone. She txts me, I have no idea. I txt her (something about our kid) - I have no idea her response until I check my phone for that specific message. This helped me a ton. Her calls go through - but we rarely call each other anyways. I still do that - A women just broke up with me (last month.) I sent her a f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 02:08 PM
4

There is no exact timeframe. Some days you may feel over it, some days you will not. I found out I wasnt over all my divorce nonsense when I started to date and just complained about the divorce process and what happened. I tanked a lot of first dates lol I'd say, start living how you want and see what happens. Join a club, gym, date women. And if you just find yourself complaining about your ex - maybe you scale back. But you won't know until you get out there.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 02:45 PM
1

If they have any feedback, feel free to pass it along. Everyone I have told in real life has laughed at me .... for wanting to help others in this situation via an app. So your comment means a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 06:38 PM
3

I'm sorry. It sounds like you don't have a relationship anyways. Especially if you're sleeping on the floor and no intimacy in 3 years. It doesnt matter how you drop the D - just do it. If you have kids, continue being super dad. If you do or do not - the quicker you file the cheaper alimony and child support will be, as the filing date is the date the marriage ended (in my jurisdiction). File. Gain the quick upper hand. Have someone serve her. And move on. Read the Obstacle is the Way. No matte…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 04:33 PM
2

Read the book, The Obstacle is the Way.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 11:54 AM
11

They make divorce sound wonderful. Good on her for ending it early and before children are involved. I wouldn't read too much into one person's thinking. Yes. They are manipulated by social media. But so are we to some extent. It's just that men make decisions based on logic and rationale versus women who make decision based on emotions. Use stories like this as a template to identify red flags.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 01:20 PM
1

I dont think you need reasoning. You're not divorced. There is nothing binding you to claim or not claim your kids (or to file as married, but filing seperatley). Let her fume. In divorce those who act first usually win. (within reason). A few years ago, my ex filed before me and claimed our child. It was my year to claim our child. It's a $2k tax deduction / kid. I was in my accountants office when this happened. When he tried to e-file my return was immediately kicked back as our child's SS# w…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:43 PM
4

I hate this. And I'm sure she is a "proud, independent woman" too. My ex is the same. No alimony, I paid a one time lump sum. But she receives a LOT in child support, and likes to trumpet being a strong, business woman. But she never promotes or tells anyone how much Child support she receives or why she still lives at home with her family. Ah well. Just stay quiet and know the truth about your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:30 PM
7

This. "You're mourning the loss of the future you thought you had." I was the same way. I was okay with the relationship ending, but always drifted to what I (and my son would lose in the future) -- vacations, beaches, family reunions, movie nights -- whatever. But what my future "lost", I gained. It took me a while to realize this, but I GAINED myself and a relationship with my son. Now we do things together (mini father/son trips - that would have never happened while married) AND when I dont …
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:27 PM
3

This isn’t going to be nice. Things will get worse. And then better. You need to file for divorce now. Pull that bandaid. The sooner you file the shorter your marriage is for alimony considerations. Listen, you had a sexless marriage for five years. Sounds like you need to start dating, have a couple flings. Get hurt. Rebuild. Etc. But by all means, stop relying on your ex emotionally. Its over. Read the book the Obstacle is the Way.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:19 PM
1

Documenting what ... A txt to my son? Seems like a WOMBAT - waste of money brains and time. I see that a lot in these forums. "Document it all!!"Sure document late/early pickups. Document (of course!) any sign of abuse. But documenting my ex's txting tendencies. No. But you're right. I control what happens in my house. There is no drama and ... no reaction (unless you consider a reddit post a reaction). Rather posted to see if others have encountered this and what they did.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:29 PM
2

We did. But the judge didnt agree it should be to her full salary, because she became a SAHM, its a long story. I tried.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 09:59 PM
6

Parasite. Thats what I call my ex. She refused to go back to work- where she made a nice 6 figure salary. And instead works part time at a doctor's office. Maybe 12-18 a week, lives at home with her mom. And gets about $24k a year in child support. Tax free money ....
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 05:04 PM
3

Good points. Thanks. And yeah, I try to make it so he does not have to make any decisions (like custody wise -- who is picking him up because xyz thing happened, etc.). I want us - her and I - to figure out any "challenges" but she wants to put him in the middle of pretty significant (and shitty) decisions for a kid. Which is just awful for a kid with two homes.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 10:07 PM
1

This is great. I used to journal (in a word doc) or send emails to myself of what I was going through. Its oddly helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:41 PM
2

Thanks. Just needed the reminder. Frustrating to see the txts. I thought she would be past this stage. We've been divorced for 5 years. You'd think she'd chill on the "dad is horrible" bit
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:39 PM
3

When they falsely claim domestic violence and get an order of protection to get you out of the house- because she is "in danger." Then you're out of the house, she claims you havent seen the kids, and then you get the eow custody (after 6-8 months of supervised visits)
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 11:59 PM
4

I did it for a year. We slept in different rooms, I tried to be out of the house when her family/friends were over. I tried to be at the house whenever our son was up/awake (he was 3.). If her family was over late on a weekend, id just grab a drink and go to the master bedroom and watch a movie. We played with our son when we were all together, and then argued about divorce stuff while he was sleeping. I kept a digital audio recorder on me, just in case she tried to go the silver bullet route. (…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 07:40 PM
1

CT is a 50/50 state but how far are you in the divorce process? Are lawyers involved, have you had a hearing with a judge yet, etc. Divorce is a negotiation. Maybe offer her more of the marital asset split, or more of your retirement assets to keep the house. You could do a cash out refi - split the equity and get a new mortgage in your name alone. Id say just dont do ANYTHING until a judge says so or your divorce decree js signed by a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 05:32 PM
3

This. And the " me time." Everyone's situation and custody will be different. But its better to be a 100% father 50% of the time versus a 50% father 100% of the time. When I was married, my (now) ex would have NEVER let me have a day trip with our son alone - to see monsters trucks, go to an amusement park, etc. She would have to go with us and bring her mom, cousin, aunt, etc. (which was absolute hell!) So actually being divorced I get wayyy more solo-time with our son than I ever would have ma…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 11:39 AM
18

No. We do separate. In fact, my ex doesnt invite me to the party she throws for my son. And that's fine with me. I would go, but also am totally fine with not seeing my ex, her new bf, her family, etc. So, i dont throw any kid party. Rather when I have him - for his bday he gets a "yes day." I have to say yes to whatever he wants to do (within reason). And then my parents come over for cake. My point - You're ex is unreasonable and hasn't realized your divorced. Maybe remind her of that?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 03:50 PM
1

For pre-marital definition . . Check your state/jurisdiction. (ask chagpt!) For NYS - Anything that I owned prior to marriage remained mine. For example I had a bank (savings) account with $10k in it before marriage. That was mine. Not subject to any split. Note - once you deposit $ in a marital bank account it becomes a marital asset. So, again, for example if your parents gift you $10k and deposit that in your own account (not marital) account that is yours and not subject to a marital asset s…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 01:35 PM
2

Took me a good year to figure this out. In all honesty - and not knowing your overall situation . . . Her "not being ready and overwhelmed" is a gift. Make sure you use it. A lot of guys - myself included - are usually on the overwhelmed, offbalanced side.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 02:15 AM
2

Well done. File first. Start the process. Mediation is a joke. As my lawyer told me, if you're actually and truly cordial mediation could work. But then, if it doesnt, you'll end up using lawyers anyway. Good for you for doing this and keeping her off-balance. Remember... divorce is a business transaction and nothing more. Your wife is no longer your wife.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 12:38 AM
1

What state are you in. Check your local jurisdiction to learn about child support. I'm in NYS - child support is paid by the non-custordial parent (typically the guy) and the custody split doesnt matter. So it could be 50/50 in NYS and child support would not be changed. In terms of selling the house. Make that a condition of the divorce. In other words, if you decide selling the house is what youre going to do. Have it sold 6 months post divorce (gives you both time to find new homes, close on …
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/26 03:27 PM
3

I'm sorry. This isnt going to be nice - but she didnt request a divorce. You/she dont ask for approval for divorce. Divorce is a legal process - a lawsuit to end your marriage. She doesnt need your approval, and you dont need hers. The lawsuit (divorce process) is a business transaction and nothing less. Sure you'll have to decide whats best for the kids for custody (if she is reasonable) - but ultimately its a transaction to legally split the life you built. Know this. The fact that she asked y…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 03:18 PM
3

My son is 9. Divorced for 5 years. 99% of "our" friends are now her friends. My only family in town are my parents, even else moved away. I havent been to my sons birthday party since he turned 4. All invitees to his bday party are his friends or my ex's family/friends. I am not invited. I initially was upset but now I'm happy. Happy I dont have to see my ex, her family and her friends and make lame small talk when all the kids play. I just focus on making sure my son had a good birthday with me…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 01:58 PM
3

Also - basically the same as Grey rock is the BIFF. Brief, informative, friendly, firm. Every response follow that. AI can help develop your response as well. The more we write to a toxic ex the more we get entangled in nonsense.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 03:53 PM
8

My new favorite. Solitude. I rebuilt everything post divorce, finances and myself (physically and emotionally). My favorite thing NOW. When I go to our son's sport games or practice and see my ex with her mom, new bf and all her "new" happiness. I sit far away, usually pull out a book to read and smile everytime my son does something good (or bad) on field. When we were married I never had peace, solitude or confidence (to even sit alone; I would always be worried about what others thought ... a…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 03:19 PM
3

This. For number 1 - this is a good question for for your lawyer. In my jurisdiction she can file/claim for child support at a later date (if you provide a lump sum up front), for alimony she cannot.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 12:14 PM
4

Just pointing out one point here, so it's not lost. Progress is not linear! So important to remember this. 2 steps forward, 1 step back or 2 steps back, 1 step forward. It doesnt matter - because taking the steps is the hardest and most important part. Cheers to 2026 fellas.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 12:12 PM
2

Use this pain to do something. Take a walk, run, lift weights, build something - anything to take your mind off of her/it. When I was at my lowest I did two things daily. 1) I worked out - and made a spreadsheet where I typed out what I was doing the next day (walk, run, lift/chest, whatever - it was something for me to look forward to). 2) Do anything other than drink or drugs.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 07:05 PM
12

Let the oldest know. It matters. You matter. Let her show the world how "successful" she is; you and a handful of people will always know the truth. Let that be your victory.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 07:02 PM
1

No court mandate. No money should be sent to your ex. She left the state with your children, you need to fight. You need to realize the person you married is no longer your wife. Divorce is a transaction. Treat it as such. It sounds like you already overcame significantly obstacles (alcholism) - You can get through this. Concerning your lingering feels for your ex - remember this: Men sacrifice their happiness for their family; women sacrifice their family for their happiness. With you giving he…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 04:39 PM
2

I think it all depends. I was still in the marital home, my ex was not. I had to pay for an appraiser. I was home when he came over. We spoke about the overall situation (divorce) as well. We ended up selling the house anyways, so the appraisal was a waste of money that I paid for. My only comment --- at this point in your divorce --- since you have lawyers and it sounds like you have already been in front of a judge... whatever the judge says is what you need to follow. NOT what her lawyer says…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 01:17 PM
2

Happy you brought that up. Peace. That is what I look forward to the most. My divorce was 5 years ago, but took 2 years of hell to get through. For me - peace - and a comfy couch sometimes is all I need. (And maybe a swig of scotch).
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 04:10 PM
8

I'm going to be a jerk, so apologies up front. What do you provide for her? Do you earn more than her, do you pay most of the bills, do you support her lifestyle? This sounds like she wants all the benefits of being married, but without any responsibility of the "marriage." She probably has another guy, or something else in her life that is now more important than you. If she says its over, its over. Move on. File for divorce first (but protect your assets and know what youre getting into). It s…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 04:07 PM
9

Whatever I want. I've help coach my son's sports, I got in shape, I watched more movies, I dated younger women, I learned how to cook, I learned how to smoke food (on a shitty weber kettle grill), I learned how to navigate divorce and a toxic ex, I helped other men go through the same, I became better at saying no to things I dont want to so, I have traveled solo and plan to do it more . . . I know longer care what others say or think about me. I stopped talking to superficial "friends." My poin…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 03:43 PM
7

Does it matter if he does or does not? Why do you want him to talk about his kids "openly"? How will that improve your relationship? Do you both want a "blended" family? ... As a divorced father, I rarely "openly" talk my kid with someone in datinf. Sure I'll talk about the amusement park we went to, or our plans for the weekend. But nothing more than that. Ive found that woman typically want to dictate what I do with my kid. Or judge. Or opine. None of that is necessary and is not of her/your c…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 12:45 PM
1

How crazy is your ex? Will she actually refinance or agree to sell the home? I was the one who stayed in our home, my ex wanted me out. We sold 2 weeks before we signed our divorce and split the proceeds 50/50. The house was the only leverage I had in our negotiations. But . . . Whats stopping her from refinancing or selling now or before the divorce finalized? Could she refinance based on her sole incom I think you covered everything I can think of. But what a pain (and mess) this will all be i…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 10:08 PM
3

Probably not. If you two are friendly or cordial - it wouldn't hurt. But even if you are, I'd want to know exactly why or what she wants to see. If youre not friendly or if she dragged you through the mud in the divorce - tell her to kick rocks. Change the locks, reprogram the garage door. Wait until she has a court order. My ex - when we did this - Tried to tell the judge that I would have issues keeping the house clean so the market value may drop. So my ex HAD to see inside the house. lol. I …
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 02:16 PM
3

Divorced when my son was 3 (now 9). Similair but different, my son - when I video chat with him when he is with his mom - would hang up immediately or tell me he doesnt like me (while in front of his mom). It has slightly changed now, but he still doesnt really talk to me when hes with his mom. My take, do not overreact. You dont know what mom is saying to your daughter. And also, she's 4. Divorce is tough on children - you do not know what's going on with her either. Just be supportive - as you…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 03:06 PM
1

It's okay to be sad. Its okay to be mad. Its not okay to sit around and mope (for a long period of time.) Use these feelings to your advantage. Find something that makes you feel better - read a book, go for a walk, lift some weights, podcasts, hike, mountain bike ride . . . Anything that is positive. It took me a while to realize this - No one cares. No one cares if we (divorced fathers) are sad, depressed, etc. The sooner you realize it - and that you can only rely upon yourself. The better. G…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 11:40 PM
11

Yes. She is nervous/worried about moving on. She is nervous about losing everything you provided for her (money and physical/emotional support.). Typically women cheat or file for divorce and then have Mr. Wonderful lined. Maybe her Mr. Wonderful isnt . . . Wonderful. My take - She cheated on you. Twice. Dont look back. Move forward. Move on. Cut her off immediately - finacially, emotionally, physically, etc. Do NOT take back a cheater. She'll do it again and again. Good luck and stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 01:01 PM
3

Welcome. Unfortunately this is common. The same thing happened to me. My divorce took 2 years. Close friends and family would call when they learned of the divorce. But no one ever checked in to see how I was doing. Rather, it seemed, the expectation was that I should continuously be reaching out to them. Sometimes I did but mostly I did not. I did have one friend who met me for coffee every Sunday morning for about 6 months. That was a great help. I'll say - Once you divorce is finalized people…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 04:44 PM
9

No financial entanglements. Ever. You shouldn't care about what she wants. She cant qualify for a mortgage to refinance the house. Her problem not yours. She can lean on her friends/family for financial support. No you. IF you want to negotiate it. Assume she cant and will not refinance the house. So you, in return, want 100% of ALL marital assets. After all, IF you agree to this youre now at your STBX's mercy of repaying the mortgage.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 04:29 PM
6

"... I don't have a consistent work schedule so for the time being, we are working on an every other weekend custody until my schedule changes but my daughter will obviously be with me full time. Afterwards we aim to maintain a 50/50 custody agreement...." Dont do this. Get 50/50 upfront. And then tell her you'll let her know 2 weeks in advance of your work schedule to "figure it out" or something to that effect. You never know what will happen in the future. Work. Kids. You ex. All of that may …
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 02:12 PM
1

Similar. But I'm cheap and dont pay. Be honest. Be upfront. Also dont be creepy. Just be a decent dude, they appreciate that.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 08:24 PM
5

Embrace being the bad guy. Being the villain. But try your best to never argue with her or give her any ammunition. Ever. Know she will try to alienate friends, teachers, doctors, therapists against you. Consider implementing the BIFF or Grey rock method of communication. Being firm and friendly - and concise (remember no arguing) will drive her nuts. ChatGPT can help your form your txts to her - just ask for help with BIFF responsea.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 11:57 AM
1

This. "Having" a lawyer doesn't mean anything. Tell your lawyer to start filing new court orders/requests requiring time withe kids. If she just filed a protective or restraining order - and a Judge didn't sign off or confirm restriction of your parenting time. AND you dont have a signed parenting agreement. Then why are you following what your ex and ex's lawyer say. Look at it like this. In divorce - until a judge signs something (money, custody, etc) you can do whatever you want. There are no…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 10:41 AM
2

The modification time frame was stamped right on my divorce decree. I'm in NYS - and it can be revisited after three years OR when one party had a change in income of 10% or more. I'm sure if you Google for Chatgpt you can find out what it is in your jurisdiction.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 10:32 AM
2

Enjoy your peace. Enjoy having your day to do whatever you want. You survived a divorce. Do whatever it is that makes you happy and dont be ashamed for it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 11:46 PM
2

Yep. Her lawyer probably had someone to low ball the value of the pension. Do you know the details of her pension calculation? If its NYS you can find out the terms of it. IE, pension payout is 50% of her final year's salary or whatever. Go to her employers HR website to confirm. You'd then need that info to present value the future cash flows. I'm a dork , and was a finance major a longgg time ago. Once you know how they value her future pension payments you can find a calculator online to give…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 07:34 PM
3

Upstate NY here. Google Majauskas vs Majauskas. My ex and I each had pensions when we divorced. You can negotiate a buyout of each other's pension as part of the divorce. Have a QRDO performed. Or provide x% of your pension payment ... when you retire. The case Majauskas v. Majauskas explains the calculation to determine the share the other party has in the pension. So. It your were married for 20 years AND your wife contributed to her pension for 30 years. Then you would be entitled to .... 20y…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 02:24 PM
6

Exactly. That's what she wants. Your financial support. She also wants to play the field waiting to find Mr. Wonderful. Once she meets him, then she'll start to sever ties with you, but may push for alimony/spousal support, etc. Its why I mentioned to consider cutting her off finacially asap now. One way or another this will get ugly. You need to save all your money now - and give her nothing. I'm a bit jaded, mind you. My now exwife and I lived together for almost a year while we were divorcing…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 01:16 PM
9

My take: She wants all the benefits of being "married" (civil union) without the responsibilities on her end. She wants everything you provide - stability, a roof over her head, taking care of kids when she's too busy, health insurance, etc. whatever it may be. But she wants someone else. There's a lot of info missing here. But she's basically your dependent at this point. Cut her off financially. Cut off "all the things" you do for her. Start vetting the process for "divorcing" now. File for fu…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 12:06 PM
1

"What I really mean is that I would never go after the house and force her to sell. " Just a heads up. Divorce is generally a negotiation. Divorce rarely ends up in trial (it can, though). I'm not in CA, but our trial date was set and the day before her lawyer finally chilled and we settled. My point - Unless youre super cordial, and she isnt going after "everything" . . . consider everything in play for the negotiation. She wants the house, you want her to pay you at 90% of the equity, ec. You …
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 10:58 AM
1

This. The house may be considered a marital asset. OP, take what others are saying here and start vetting lawyers. You want a litigator not someone who will fall on their sword. Take the most critical questions from the sub-reddit. Condense each question to 1-2 sentences for your lawyer. In other words dont ask your laywer "Is the house marital property??" Ask your lawyer: We married on XX date. She inherited the house on XX date. I am (am not) on the deed. Is the home considered a marital asset…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 01:05 PM
1

Very good point. Thanks. The last woman was telling me she wanted marriage (at some point) so her son can see a positive relationship and have a good male role model. I didn't say it to her but all I could think of was her son's father. She/they decided to have a child, now she doesnt like him and wants to replace him as a father with someone else. Disgusting. I kind of wish I said that to her. Oh well...
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 05:04 PM
1

Yeah - good point. I was thinking the same thing - like once you meet "that" person all the other stuff doesnt matter (well it does, but you know what I mean). And the search continues :)
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 05:01 PM
2

This is helpful. Especially the adjustment on meeting kids. In my last situation- we were literally dating for 1 month. Which meant, maybe, we spent 7-8 "dates" together. No nights spent together. Anyways, glad to hear all the feedback.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 05:00 PM
7

1 is so true. They'll txt you all night long if you dont say something and set a simple boundary. Sleep is so critical when you age.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 12:05 PM
1

It's awesome, isnt it. I went to see the new F1 movie in an Imax on July 4th - all by myself. I loved every minute of it- the movie and "my" time.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 10:22 PM
3

The Obstacle is the Way -- Highly recommend this one. The Daily Stoic. The Beginner's Guide to Stoicism. After you read one - or even parts of one - you'll get the gist. During the first couple years after my divorce, I always had a copy of The Obstacle is the Way on me and would always read it when near my ex (like at our kid's sporting event, or when she was late foe the exchange, etc.)
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 10:21 PM
5

I'd recommend reading a few books in Stoicism. Who cares what they say? Focus on yourself and what you can control - and figure out what makes you happy.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 07:32 PM
2

This. Right here. All of this post.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 01:20 PM
1

"I thougt giving her more would satisfy her." THIS right here. I was nice in my divorce took. Don't be nice, OP! I was paying almost $3k a month in temporary spousal support and childsupport DURING our divorce. While she was living rent free with her family.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 12:31 PM
1

I had to pay my ex's legal fees. NYS divorce. Basically my divorce took so long and my ex became a SAHM - she claimed she couldn't go back to work and that I should pay her legal fees and temporary child support and alimony so she are our child can live. In reality, she quit a 6 figure job as an accountant to be a SAHM, took our child during the divorce and lived with her mom (rent free), had access to all of our marital bank accts ... BUT used the family court system (we had .multiple court con…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 12:27 PM
2

For sure. But it cant hurt to ask/negotiate. Also let's say she is to receive $100k over her lifetime in alimony. Maybe he offers $75k in cash on the day of divorce. Maybe she takes it. OP, another "thing" to think through . . . Figure out what she really wants to see if you have any leverage. Worse case you have no leverage and maybe the only thing you can "save" is eliminating a protracted legal fight (and paying yours and her legal fees). No matter how you slice it, we are always up against i…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 12:19 PM
8

Bright side. No child support. For Alimony, would she be interested in a lump sum? Instead of $1.5k a month, maybe she'll take $25k in cash. Instead of x% of your pension, maybe she'll be okay with $50k. I dont know. Just know - everything is neogtionable. Everything. Maybe she wants the house - let her keep it and the equity in it versus you paying alimony and X% of your pension. Just some thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/25 11:28 PM
6

Oof. Advice. No group pics. No sunglasses. Try posting a few pictures with smiles. Gut all the stuff you want or dont want. Instead try a funny one liner - "Looking to meet people in person - and not spend weeks of endless txting back and forth". Good luck. Id also say, dont take online dating so seriously. You'll get matches, get ghosted, get weird ppl liking you - just go with the flow and dont get too upset when your DREAM match doesnt even respond to your "Heyyy, why are you single" opening …
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 04:47 PM
2

This. Negotiate however you want. A QRDO is the way for a 401K. Consider maybe paying her more from the equity from the house (IE, she gets $10k more and you get $10k less?) - that way you'll keep your entire 401K balance - which should appreciate considerably before you retire. Think long term - if you are able to.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 03:47 PM
3

Check out your jurisdiction on a pension distribution Mine is . . . She gets 50% of the number of years I contributed to my pension while married. So If married for 5 years, and contributed to the pension for those same 5 years - my ex would get 50% of that. Assume I contributed to my pension for a total of 30 years. So 5/30 = 16.7% x 50% = 8.3% So if monthly pension check is $1,000. She gets $83. YMMV with how much of an issue this would be. You could also offer her a lump sum to get her to sta…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 04:16 PM
7

This isn't about you. This isn't about her family. This is about her. If she was a part of your life, go. Be a good human and go say hi, give her a hug, but her a card - or whatever you decide to do. Maybe go so hi and tell her your favorite memory you had together (traveling someplace). I can almost guarantee, unless you did something awful, her family won't be mad you came. They're all busy grieving or preparing to grieve to care ....
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 11:34 AM
27

No. This does not reduce alimony or child support. It is not income. Do NOT leave any financial entanglements with your STBX. $1.3 million minus $430 thousand = $870 thousand of equity. Divide that by 2 is $435 thousand. She wants the house, you want her to refinance the mortgage, get your name off the deed AND you want $435 thousand in cash of YOUR equity. You want all of this to happen before you're divorced. Too many times women get 60 days to sell post divorce and .... never do (meaning your…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 04:58 PM
10

"I am stuck and I keep comparing my progress to her that how did she move on quickly" Comparison is the theif of joy. There is no competition here. Good for her if she's "happy". Focus on yourself and what you can control. If you focus on what she is doing or has done - you'll just make yourself miserable. My ex had a bf before we were even divorced. She moved on well before our divorce even started. Typically women move on quicker then men.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 04:02 PM
2

That's great. I hope it continues to work out positively for you and your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 02:15 PM
3

That's great. And pretty soon the 12 year old can "vote" with his feet. Meaning he could walk to the home he wants to stay in. I know you're not looking for advice. But just make sure the kids are OK - and make sure they know it's not their fault.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 12:45 PM
4

Wow. If it's terms that are acceptable to you. Great. What about custody - is the agreement what you want? Seems like you may have dodged a bad one. My divorce took 2 years because of all the nonsense my ex wantes...
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 11:56 AM
3

Get ready. Since she plotted she's probably 10 steps ahead of you. My ex plotted for about 6-8 months before she filed (without even telling me). Start vetting lawyers - you want a litigator. Start thinking about custody (not sure how old your kids are). Start thinking about child support and alimony. Start thinking about what equitable distribution of assets means. She already knows what she is entitled to (legally), what she wants and what she'll refuse to negotiate on. She also may know what …
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/25 11:47 AM
2

"Its important that you don't question your kids about him, this has to come from them or they will lose your trust." Just wanted to re-emphasize this. And a few thoughts - If the new bf is a good guy, that's THE BEST situation you can hope for. Your kids understand what's going on, although they may not be able to verbalize it to you. Now . . . It's super important to listen and let your kids tell you about him or "them" (of there's more than one dude). It's important they know - and this will …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/25 01:34 PM
4

This. I am basically sober. Except on a few dates here or there, but I rarely drink by myself. Best decision I ever did. I used to be "that" boubon/whiskey guy with a collection lol. One other thing that's helpful. Try to - while yours kids are away - to make or do something they'll be interested in when they return to your custody. For example, my son is 7. He wants to learn how to play the piano, but refuses to take lessons. So I've been learning the basics on YouTube to show him (I've never p…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 12:26 PM
4

Good. You got to spend more time with your son. I wish my ex moved out amicably like yours has.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 03:07 PM
2

OP read this post twice. This is everything you need to know right now. I went through a 2 long year divorce process. Similiar questions you have. Women want it to be amicable, as long as they get what they want. Best is to be prepared. I ended up paying my ex's legal fees, temporary child support and temporary alimony while going through the divorce process. Our house was sold and equity split. Custody will provide - probably - the biggest challenge. Maybe suggest a 50/50 split, one week on one…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 02:51 AM
6

Very true. But plenty of women don't notify the father for first right of refusal - and nothing happens to them (like always). Obviously YMMV. I just think overall it's good she does communicate it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 12:40 AM
7

A few thoughts in no specific order 1 - Awesome you get more time with your kids. And if you can't make it work, you have a trusted caretaker. My ex would never offer me time if she's "busy" or "traveling" rather she just has her babysitter ... babysit. 2 - Even better than she communicates this stuff with you. She does not have to. Be grateful you have this level of "good" communication. 3 - Consider documenting all the times she has done this. After you established some type of status quo - (I…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 11:22 PM
3

Plug in the number in your states calculator and see what it says. Also, depending on your jurisdiction 10 years of alimony may be SHORT. In some states/jurisdictions a marriage of +15 years could be consideration for lifetime alimony. Anyways, since this is all money related - I think it's best to get a few free consultations with a lawyer. Ask these same questions. If you have to pay - it could be worth it to get their opinion. As other have said, you could be screwing yourself ...
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 02:15 AM
3

I get it. You have a vague separation agreement. You're not divorced. You're in a crappy Grey area. A few things . . . What are you doing to facilitate the divorce? Status quo has now been established -- 50/50 custody split. You should be drafting a divorce agreement/parenting plan outlining what your current doing - as well as specific language that you want. Don't wait. You now know what you're up against, so use it to your advantage. You can no longer take anything she says at face value. Lim…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 09:32 PM
1

Same.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 10:48 PM
6

I paid temporary alimony of $1.5k a month for a year, and then a lump sum at the divorce finalization of $15k for a FOUR year marriage - when my ex made more money than me when she worked (before becoming a SAHM). It sucks man. As best you can don't let her see that it bothers you. Second, the best way of getting revenge is .... being happy. However you define that. Our ex's, generally, hate seeing us happy.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 10:47 PM
9

You can ask for anything you want. But would she agree with it? Divorce is a negotiation. Just like your custody with you kids. You can spend a lot of money on a lawyer and send a bunch of "mean" letters saying you want ABC, and XYZ - But will she agree to it, or will it just enrage her and make divorce more difficult. I've heard of statements in a divorce like - Parent shall not introduce a new partner to child until 6 months post divorce. BUT in all seriousness. How do you enforce that? Cops d…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 06:02 PM
2

What are you trying to do specifically? You're already divorced. Are you trying to modify custody or trying to get her to pay you XYZ from the divorce paperwork? My best advice. Ask your lawyer when the court date is that would compel a judge to require your ex to do AB and C. Focus on that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 12:10 PM
2

No. Just don't. It'll make it worse and more expensive. And a longer divorce process. Your judge will also, presumably, not care.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 01:18 AM
2

Are you involved with school at all (for the 7/8 year old). It wouldn't hurt to send her teacher a message to see who her friends are at school. Reach out to their parents (the world is small, you can probably easily find them on Facebook or sometimes) and maybe ask to meet somewhere public at first - for the first playdate: Park, trampoline park - whatever. Or if daughter is involved in any activities- go to them. See who she talks to. Ask her - Hey want me to see if Suzie can came over some da…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/25 01:06 AM
4

Read the book- The Obstacle is the Way. Focus on yourself. Do all the things you wanted to do. Be it working out, hobbies, etc. Eliminate all the items that she has in your home. IMO, society has influenced men to think - to have a fullfilling life they need a wife. You don't. Figure out what motivates you. What inspires you. Then do it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/25 03:52 PM
7

Read The Obstacle is the Way. I'm sorry you're going through this. BUT, just know, you'll be OK. Now you get create your life - however you want it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 10:59 PM
2

Is she paid in cash? Does your daughter have a bank account with you and her. Or with her and yoyr ex? If daughter and ex, your ex has "control" over the bank account. Your daughter will need to stand up and use it for horse related purchases. If you and your daughter, tell your ex to pound sand. It's under your authority. If she is paid in cash, sign her up for a bank accout with you and her as account owners. She can use that $ however she pleases when she's with you. If all else fails, or if …
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 10:14 PM
2

Funny I was just commenting on a FB divorce thread about this. Not to get political, but any candidate who proposes a tax deduction for child support or alimony payments would be getting my vote.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 08:57 PM
2

Yeah I was more just thinking of how to initially retort to her proposal. Of course, lawyers need to verify everything and the child need to be taken into consideration. I just think too many times women think they can do "things" like this....
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 06:32 PM
10

Downfall, no. Expedited a number of divorces, yes. As others have said, if it wasn't covid something else would have happened 6-months,1-year or 5-years down the road. I was already 1 yr into my divorce process. We were quite amicable during that time. During the first 6 months of Covid my ex showed me her true colors. I didn't know it then, but I'm truly grateful for "that" and all the BS she pulled. If not for covid - I would have never known the true extent of how evil and vindictive she coul…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 06:29 PM
2

Alimony and child support are always out of net pay - regardless of your employer. And you ex doesn't pay taxes - and you don't get a tax credit for Alimony (thank the 2017 tax cut). Think about it another way, my wages are not garnished for Alimony or CS. I just zelle her the money every month - all of that is after taxes. So if you're having trouble making ends meet - consider changing you health plan (lower premium, higher deductible), lower your contribution to your 401k/TSP. It all sucks ma…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 11:46 AM
7

This. She wants to move out of state . . . great! Then you want to be the primary parent, receive child support and she can have 4-6 weeks every summer. After all, your child is already comfortable in her school, with her friends, etc. You should maintain that status quo. As an aside, in my jurisdiction (NYS) - primary parent receives child support regardless of the custody split. Obviously it may differ in Texas.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/25 09:11 PM
2

Enjoy it. Do what feels right. If dating casually more than one person doesn't feel right, then don't. Just focus on the first coffee date woman. I think the "too soon" perspective is for guys who need someone to be with them. To validate themselves. From your post, it seems like your head is screwed on correctly. I'll say, I had a few mess-ups on my first dates post divorce. I complained about my ex, the divorce, etc. It was a good learning experience.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 05:37 PM
4

Do not move out. Do you have kids? If not, divorce is easy. All marital assets would be split 50/50. So if you have joint bank accounts, bought your home together, etc. you get 50% of the value. If she makes 7xs more than you, you can get alimony. Google your state/jurisdiction for an alimony/child support calculator. That'll give you an idea of what you get - based on income and marital length. You could also get her to pay your legal expenses or a portion thereof because of the income differen…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 08:08 PM
7

Totally agree. I also think women take what a therapist says and spins it to support what they want. Or they'll vet multiple therapists until they find one who they like -- that supports what they want (divorce). During my divorce we started seeing a marriage counselor. Anytime the session went against what she wanted or "challenged her", she stayed to cry to turn the session towards her wants. It was interesting to see in real time.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 03:53 PM
23

Oh man, this sounds so similar to my divorce. My ex came out of our bathroom at 11pm in a Saturday night and said, "So I've been seeing a therapist for a while now, and he says we are going to separate down the road - so we might as well do it now." She then walked out of our room and slept in our son's (he was 3 at the time) room. I wasn't prepared. Marriage was rocky, but there was no cheating, abuse or drug use, etc. Nothing was bad. I thought we could reconcile or "make our marriage stronger…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 02:36 PM
2

Do you have a question or are you just venting? Your marriage is over, the quicker you come to grips with that the better. Start thinking about how you're going to get primary custody or - at least 50/50 custody. Start vetting divorce lawyers - most provide a free consultation. Go online to your county's family court website. Plug in yours and your STBXW financial info - this will give you a rough estimate of child support and alimony. I will bet your ex knows all the ins/outs of divorce already…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 08:46 PM
3

It's weird but it works. Right? My relationship with the ex is the same. There are divorced parents are my son's game who sit next to each other and talk with each other and are friendly. Honestly, I don't want that. I think we all evolve to the relationship with the ex that just . . . works.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 04:38 PM
2

Seems like a happy ending, but you both went through the shit to get there. And you both were mature to realize you each were responsible for how well your son turned out. I can only hope my ex sees it that way - that we both positively impacted our son.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 04:36 PM
5

I found it gets better with time. I've been divorced for almost 4 years. I post here because I think so many fathers get worked up (like I used to - and may still) over "little" things. The first year was the hardest, she has more custody and gets a lot in Child Support from me. She is Basically living care free. Once I realized that I actually have a good relationship with my son, and have everything we need, .... thats basically invaluable ... I stopped caring about all the/her bullshit. Best …
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 02:51 PM
19

Define good..... Do we argue? No. Do we speak? No. Do we stand near each other during our son's sport events? No. Do we share our plans for vacations with our son? No. Do we share who his new friends are, or what playdate he had while in my/her custody? No. Do I ask her how she's doing, or what her plans are with our son? No. Do I speak poorly of my ex or her family when my son is with me? No, never. Do I get jealous when my son tells me all the fun things he did with his mother? No, I tell him …
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 01:59 PM
8

No. Never. IF you were going to bring her around your kids. MAYBE. But, you shouldn't do that anways, until you're divorced. You do not want an even angrier ex to divorce. Trust us all. On the flip side, my lawyer told me it was good my ex was dating. His point was - if she was getting laid, she'd might stop being such a psycho-bitch in the divorce negotiation. (It didn't help, lol)
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 11:58 PM
1

Depends on your state/jurisdiction and your ex. Divorce is a negotiation. Maybe - if you're selling your home - you give her a bit more of the proceeds/equity in lieu of alimony. Maybe you offer her $10k upfront - in lieu of alimony. Some jurisdictions require lifetime alimony if marriage is greater than 10 years. Concerning the amount of alimony. Well it's another negotiation. She'll want to use her "under employed" W2 income and she'll want you to use your highest earning years. You'll want he…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 03:31 PM
2

This is really good advice for all guys going through it. My take. Just keep trying to find an outlet until you find "it." Maybe it's a book to read or a daily walk. When I was going through my divorce (during covid lockdown) I only had my PS4 and daily workout to look forward to. I made sure to stay away from alcohol during this time, that really helped.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 01:27 PM
2

Do you have a parenting plan? Are you divorced? I dealt with a similiar thing during the divorce and just before. Our son was about 2-3 years old. Before the divorce started, my ex putting down our son for bed or naps was "just easier if she did it". And it was because she was a stay at home mom During the divorce (age 3 or so) I heard - "He's used to my routine for naps and bedtime and for consistency purposes we must follow that." We had no parenting plan at that time. When my now ex was not a…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 03:00 PM
3

This. Have a script or way to talk about your ex. If she likes you, she'll ask at some point. Maybe something like, "Yeah our divorce was tough, but they are all hard. And it was all for the best as we're each happier now..." (Whatever you do, do NOT just complain about your ex. Trust me!! lol)
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 12:00 PM
8

Same. I like the memories in Google photos that show up during my married days. I was pretty soft, complacent and just did what my (now) ex told me. Now - maybe my hairline is receeding a bit and I got a wrinkle or two - but I look confident, working out more so my chest is out and, most importantly, I no longer give two Fs about what other ppl thing about me now.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 01:40 PM
10

This is basically the infamous, "I love you, but dont love you like that anymore." She wants all the benefits of marriage - everything you did - without being married. She is showing you exactly what she wants. If she wanted to be amicable, peaceful, etc she would have gone to mediation. She did not. She filed for divorce. She is NOT your wife. From now on act like this is a business transaction and nothing more. You should be entitled to child support and alimony. Make sure you countrr file for…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 12:33 PM
3

Yeah shoot me a PM - The FERS (I assume you mean then pension?) split is just a calculation, I can walk you through it. Like how the 5% is calculated (that my ex will get). Totally understand your TSP split. Our divorce took 2 years to finalize so thankfully the value of the tsp was wayyyy lower than what it was when divorced was finalized. My ex walked with about 65% of our savings account (after she bitched about her legal fees that I got to pay for) when all was said and done. Funny thing aft…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 12:02 PM
5

That sucks man.I paid her at the divorce settlement - something like $30k- in lieu of her getting a piece of my tsp when I retire. It all sucks. But sounds like you'll be alright too!
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 03:01 AM
4

That stinks, sorry you went through that. I have a govt pension that my ex is getting like 5% of when I retire. Does the government cut the 5% pension check directly to her, or are you responsible to paying her in retirement? I'm not retiring for a while, but am curious how that actual process works.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 09:45 PM
2

The purpose of a recording is to protect yourself against false DV allegations. Keep it with you and on at all times when around your STBX. Your journal will be important for the parenting plan, if you end up in a trial or if there is a attorney assigned for you children.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 08:29 PM
26

You recover by fighting. It's a divorce. She can ask in the divorce petition for anything she wants and typically lawyers advise their client to go for everything. When you counter, you can do the same. Remember SHE IS NO LONGER YOUR WIFE. This is now a business transaction only. Since she didn't want to do mediation (an amicable and far less expensive way to divorce) - you can bet she's 5 steps ahead of you. If you have minor aged kids you want 50/50. If she wants lifetime alimony, you want to …
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 04:25 PM
1

Just reread your post. If a kid has a working key, she can get it from them. You're totally in the clear here (again not legal advice, but i don't think you'll get much more than a lame letter from her lawyer) If she was amicable or if you both were amicable - whatever make her a key. But she seems like the type who expects these things. Like expects the marital relationship (where you always did what she wanted or whatever) to continue in to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 09:39 PM
2

If you haven't changed the locks, you're all set. I would ignore, especially since you're in the middle of a divorce. Since, I assume, you were not given exclusive use and rights to the home - she can legally - still go in/out of the house. It's 100% not your responsibility to make a new key for what she damaged. If she wants to come by and grab something, I do think you should just "let her" (keep the doors unlocked). But, unless directed by a judge, do not provide her a new key. I'd also stop …
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 06:41 PM
2

Have you told your friends you're getting a divorce? I found that some of my close friends were not as supported as I thought, and a loose friend because one of my closest friends - as he continually reached out to see how I was doing and we ended up having a Sunday morning coffee routine. For social activity, figure out what you like. You'll have a lot more free time now to pursue any activity. You'll also spend a lot of evenings/days alone. I like to think that I'm never as lonely as I was in …
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 01:07 PM
3

Sounds like mine. 2 years, I think i got screwed and my ex thinks she did. I settled or agreed to her financial "demands" because the cost of a trial in legal fees and having an unknown outcome - was harder to plan for. Divorce sucks. The person who wins is always the one who makes the LEAST amount of money in the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 01:54 AM
2

Did they actually have a trial. Or did he agree to this as part of the negotiation? He may have agrees to the financial % splits in lieu of alimony - as alimony may have been lifetime - given the marriage duration. Just remember, divorce is a negotiation. Rarely do divorces go to court for a full trial...
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/24 12:07 AM
3

Sounds like you need to consult with a lawyer in your jurisdiction, asap. And, no offense, not take advice from strangers in the internet- as your divorce sounds quite complex You only get one shot in divorce, do NOT do a DIY.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 04:35 PM
6

Yep. This is why I limit "co parenting" with my ex. She will say things like "Are you okay . . . Is everything okay at Daddys house" while my 6 yr old is saying goodnite to her via FaceTime. It may sound innocent, but asking "are you okay" to a young child just plants the seed that they are not okay at their fathers house. It's sickening. And I'm positive she does it on purpose.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 09:39 PM
2

Same. I think it helps kids adjust easier to challenges in their respective lives. At least that's what I tell myself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 09:36 PM
1

So there's 2 things in play. 1) Fraud. 2) Marital assets. For #1. Call the bank and get the loan docs. This is probably fraud. Contact police. (Ideally the bank or lender should be doing that). For #2. Figure out when your marriage legally ended.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 09:04 PM
1

What does "post separation" mean. Typically - marital assets cease the date the marriage is terminated, which is the date a divorce action is filed in my jurisdiction. This is CRITICALLY important because that's the end-date for your marriage that calculates the duration (so the length of alimony, etc.) Was their a separation agreement filed with you county clerk? Was their a divorce action filed? Have you asked your lawyer when "officially" per your jurisdiction the marriage was terminated? FYI…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/24 01:45 PM
2

Just replying here so OP sees this. FIND THE TIME. This is probably the most important thing that has ever happened in your life. Doing divorce properly will save you so much time and money in the future....
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 08:47 PM
7

Mine took 2 years. I also paid for my ex's legal fees as well as temporary child support and alimony. One thing I wish I did NOT do - was respond to each of her lawyers letters, with a letter from my lawyer. It's a waste of time and money. If you have a trial date and know what you want (and you are reasonably assured you'll get it in a trial) - instruct your lawyer to stop responding to your ex's lawyers letters. And that you'll just wait for the trial. More than likely - the lawyers will start…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 05:50 PM
15

File divorce now. Do not wait. File for full custody now. You to be primary parent on the grounds that SHE abandoned the children. File for child support. And for her to pay for the Children's college. If you don't File- and play nice guy- then she can file (in Colorado) and make up any BS claims she wants to support her decision to leave (IE you were abusive. etc.) and then engage in a legal battle for custody of your kids. It may not seem like it, but your ex just gave you a huge gift here. Do…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 05:47 PM
4

End of it. We were already divorced at that point. She was trying to add more rules to our divorce (post divorce). I told my lawyer, let's not respond - as her claims/issues were ridiculous - I'm not negotiating these items with her and that she can file a motion to modify our divorce (and have a judge opine on it). Never heard about it again. So, YMMV if you're still married. I'd say, just remember, divorce is a negotiation. Everything is neogtionable.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 02:53 PM
6

Delete your social media. Or delete her, her friends. her family - anyone associated with her from your accounts. It's all noise. Keep you focus on things that matter. You aren't suing her for libel. My ex didn't do any of things you explained in your post. Rather my ex complained - in a letter from her lawyer - about sometbing i posted that a friend of hers saw on social media. I didn't respond to her lawyers letter or even talk to my ex about this. Rather, I blocked my ex from seeing my accoun…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 01:45 PM
5

"I love my solitude but my family says it's unhealthy." You're divorced. If you enjoy solitude, then enjoy it. You're alone, not lonely. Follow what you want, not what your family thinks is best for you. If you don't want a relationship in this manner . . . Tell her. Be upfront. Tell her you like solitude. You like downtime. She'll have to adjust TO YOU or leave. Typically it's recommending that we wait 1 year before dating. Everyone is different. I'd say, this relationship is a good test to tel…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 12:57 PM
2

just commiserating with you guys. I ended up with 35/65 custody My ex actually wouldn't let me see my child for 3 months when covid started saying - I had it, I came in contact with covid positive ppl, etc. All lies. Courts were closed. So she just did whatever the fuck she wanted to do. Went to our first cpurt appearance - I was "awarded" 6 hours a week, split across 2 days. So 2 3-hour stunts. This went on until our divorce was finalized 8 months later. There were NO ramifications for her. In …
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 11:49 PM
2

This is good advice. Accept and control the things you can control. Sometimes the only thing you CAN control is your reaction. Lots of good books on stoicism helped me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:55 PM
1

In some circumstances accepting your reality is the best thing. I mean this totally sucks, but if you can NOT do anything else and you triend EVERYTHING...
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:54 PM
5

Yes. Whatever is the legal document dictating your parenting schedule. Follow that and never deviate. If you don't know, ask your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:52 PM
13

It's not fun. What hurts me are the family events when someone will say - "Geeze it's too bad you don't have your son this weekend, he'd love this!". . . It's like - don't you fucking know that is ALL i think about over and over and over...
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:51 PM
3

I think it was part of our broader relationship. She was/is a SAHM (now living off of child support). She preferred to "do everything" - that was our marital dynamic. I traveled a lot for work at the time so he was "more used" to her for those activities. But yeah - there was some gas lighting for sure. Once divorced, she thought I would check in with her and let her know "how everything was" with our son at my place without her. "Is he okay?!" That sort of thing. As if I couldn't take care of m…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 08:03 PM
3

Wow this is very similiar to me. I still sit in my car and wait, as it wouldn't make any difference if I rang the doorbell. Women are so manipulative l, she - at one point - had me convinced I couldn't put my own child down for a nap. Took a lot of self-reflection to realize the mental BS she purposely put me through.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 03:13 PM
3

Nope. It's better that way. I thought it was critically important for our son (he's was 4 when we divorced) for us to remain friends. But her definition of friends meant going back to our marital dynamic - she was a SAHM and controlled everything. Now it's great. I don't speak to her at sporting events, I don't have to deal with any of her BS. No drama, no stress. And, most importantly, our son is doing great. And, I think, appreciates the differences between our parenting styles.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 03:09 PM
1

Depends. As long as you haven't moved out, there are no DV or TROs against you - i don't think you have to worry about it. My ex tried to do that to me - after she moved in to her mom's house because I wouldn't agree to her divorce demands. She was not awarded exclusive use, but did get temp alimony and child support.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 02:25 PM
2

You might not be able to get a copy online. Most matrimonial filings aren't visible - at least in my county they're not. But you can see the case #. So OP, can get his case #, verify she filed - and then just go to the county clerk with his license to get the summons. I'll second your comment about DV accusations. Tread carefully and always have a recorder on you...
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 03:52 PM
1

Yes. I was in a similiar situation. Wife filed, didn't tell me. And then my MIL was ALWAYS at the house when I was home. So, when we went to court my (now) ex said that I -- Never took care of my son, never changed a diaper, played with his toys wrong - and I always wanted my MIL there to watch him. All lies, but that's what she stated in our first pre trial conference to justify her 100% custody demands. I'd say. Do NOT move out. Stay in the house. Be super dad. Ask her mother to leave if you a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 03:49 PM
8

Yes youre being too nice. Check with your lawyer, in my jurisdiction (NYS) you (your ex) can just ask for child support- even if your divorce decree says it's settled at $0. So you COULD be screwed. What happens when Mr. Wonderful moves into YOUR house that YOU are paying for? What happens when she wants to move and sell, do you get 50% of the equity from the sale? What happens when she hears that Sally gets $X,XXX in child support from her ex and your ex "just" gets a house to live in. I'd trea…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 01:39 PM
2

Like others have said, you probably won't get the ring back. But if you do - pawn it, get like 15% of what you paid for it. Take yourself out to a nice dinner, movie or bottle of cheap wine. Hey if you get enough buy a PS5 or something lol.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 06:40 PM
1

I think that's just saying if it goes to trial and then to an appeals court - you and this lawyer would have to have a new retainer agreement. Maybe ask if the retainer and hourly rate is higher if there's an appeal? 90% of divorces do not go to trial. I imagine an even small % got to appeals. Mine divorce was agreed upon the day before our trial date....
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 02:37 PM
2

Call the sheriff's office. Tell them your ex's license plate # and car color, etc. Also try to get a video/pic of this. Maybe you're just in her neighborhood one afternoon when she's bringing princess home from ballet practice. Remember Brittany Spears - she lost custody for a bit because of this (and a few other things). Contact an attorney as well. I assume you're divorced with a parenting plan- obviously this is endangering your child.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 11:36 PM
4

Wish I could like this post twice. Divorce is a race to the bottom. My divorce .... I had to pay temp child support and alimony whilst we were divorcing - and had to pay for my ex's legal fees up to $15k. And, as a FYI, my ex became a SAHM who quit a 6 figure job. So she played the "i cant afford anything and cant work angle." Tables are turned here, OP, in your favor - believe it or not. Ask away, and I can provide prospective from the other side (the side paying for everything...)
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:14 PM
7

I haven't deleted anything. And no, I don't long for my ex. I greatly dislike her. My photo memories are probably different than yours, though. Very few of my ex and I together. And even if so, they were happy times and part of my life. (no wedding pics though - I literally have no idea where those are) For pictures of my child (and her/us), I always think of the date it was taken . . . And think about how she was vetting divorce lawyers whilst smiling for the camera. In other words, the pics ma…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 08:30 PM
3

Short term marriage. I assume your in Massachusetts? Or. New England state? Look up the alimony calculation. Typically the duration is 50% of the length of the marriage - and you can look up the calculation based on your and hers salary. Concerning salary - that's where it gets tricky. She'll say she can't earn "anything" whilst saying you can earn $100k. If you go to court you'll end up paying legal fees as well. Remember divorce is a negotiation. She doesn't just get to say what she wants. If …
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 02:19 PM
3

This. It could be considered a gift. I'll add - if you have to speak to an attorney, that means you're paying them attorney fees as well. If say - just keep.doing what your doing. And congrats for almost being done!
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 02:08 PM
1

This. It also depends on your state. In mine - NYS - my ex and I each have pensions, but we aren't retired. We each get x% of our pension payments when we retire. Calculation is number of months married is the numerator. Total numerous of months contributed to the pension is the denominator .... divided by 2. So if we were married for 15 years. And I contributed to my pension for 30 years. She'd get 25% of my pension payment (15 divided by 30 = 50%, divided by 2 = 25%). If you both have pensions…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 02:00 PM
4

I'm not in Texas so take this with a grain of salt. Ask you lawyer pointed, direct question seeking their opinion. I made the mistake of having long meetings with my lawyer. They bill in 15 minutes increments. Keep it short and to the point. What is your custody goal? Figure that out and ask her - what you need to do to obtain that. Moving out of the home in my jurisdiction has pretty bad implications for custody. When was the home purchased? If you bought the house while married - it's a marita…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 01:54 PM
8

I'll keep this short. You're not divorced, and you haven't agreed to anything legally. You now know what she wants. You now know what you're up against. So either you fight for what you want or just accept EOW. Pulling the plug in yourself is not something you'll do. Just imagine what it'd do to your kids. EVEN if you only get EOW (and I'm sure you wont!) - then be the best EOW father in the world.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 07:55 PM
4

You're not "keeping the house", you are buying her out. Don't DIY divorce. Chances are she wants to DIY because she knows she can get more from you this way. You didn't say anything about custody, child support or alimony. Something to keep in mind, in MOST jurisdictions - even if you agree to zero child support - she can simply file some paperwork and get child support "like that." Be careful, man. In my divorce my ex didn't "want" anything until i started to - finally - say no to her outlandis…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 01:45 PM
8

You're not overthinking. But there's nothing you can do unless there is abuse - and obviously let's hope not. Do you know the guy? Could be worth googling him - maybe he has a criminal background. I can't stand my ex, but her bf is a good guy and they've been together for a long time. IF your ex's bf is good to your son and a decent human - honestly that's all you can hope for.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 07:17 PM
2

Tricky. Consult a lawyer you don't want to DIY a divorce. If 50/50 is what you want - get a lawyer to have that agreed to asap. You can - at least in my jurisdiction - have a parenting plan pre divorce, which is binding. IF and only IF you have a signed, legal (signed off by a judge) parenting plan, should you move out. Do not move out because you and your did a handshake custody deal. That WILL come back to bite you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 07:09 PM
3

Too many moving parts. Sell the house, split the equity. Buy new house for you and your kids She wants alimony, great - impute her income. And request more than 50% custody. She wants child support, great - impute her income. Then request more than. 50% custody AND you to be the primary parent. You'll be fine, as it sounds like you have a nice job and plenty of assets. She wants xx% of your retirement assets. Great - then you want Xx% of her retirement assets. And you want to complete a QRDO for…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 02:47 PM
7

That's perfect. Get a free consultation with a lawyer, asap! Schedule 3 consultations within the next 2 weeks. Make sure you know your ex's w2 wages and yours from the prior year. If she's the breadwinner - she MAY have to pay for your legal fees. You MAY be entitled to alimony and child support. Use all of the aforementioned as leverage for 50/50 or whatever custody YOU want. Remember, divorce is a negotiation, and everything is negotiable! As an aside, typically the roles are reversed. Husband…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 02:35 PM
10

If you see her during the exchange for your son - just smile and say merry Xmas. The best way to "get back" at an ex is to be happy..
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 10:22 PM
4

I did the same. And our child was close to the same age. Took covid for her to leave - claiming I had covid (took child with her). Prior to that we did live together for almost 1 year while the divorce was going on. We had dinner together with our child, and shared some household responsibilities. It absolutely sucked. BUT to cope - I made sure that every week I brought our son to my parents house for half a day - so we could spend time together without her around. I also started to go to the gy…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 09:16 PM
3

Welcome to divorce. You're doing well. Especially now that you understand a woman's mindset. Women jump through mental hurdles to justify irrational actions. Do NOT let her actions dictate your mental state. Go for a run, walk. excercise - have something to look forward to everyday that does NOT revolve around your STBX, the divorce or children (if you have any). My ex told me the same - it's not about money, she didn't care about that. Then, when she didn't get what she wanted - as I finally go…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 03:41 PM
1

Damn. You had a rough one. Hope you're doing well now. I'll add more famous last words. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you any more." = She loves the lifestyle I provided and now you'll use a divorce to keep the lifestyle.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 02:42 PM
2

Move back in the house asap. This will help with custody just in case your ex isn't amicable. I lived in our house for a year - while going through a divorce. You'll be fine. Check your jurisdiction regarding child support and spousal support. You may be entitled to... Both. In my state- New York - it's winner take all. So whomever is the "Primary parent" receives child support, regardless of who makes more money. If your ex makes more than you- you also may be get alimony. Research AND speak to…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 01:22 PM
1

That's nice to know. But this only happens if the marriage ceremony doesn't happen - and if youre in Massachusetts. As an aside to anyone who reads this. If you're beginning your divorce process with your STBX - ask her if she plans to give the engagement ring back. In my divorce, my ex was always saying - it's not about money, she wants everything to be amicable, etc. When i asked about the $10k engagement ring and if she planned to give it back-- or pawn it and we could share the proceeds -- "…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 01:14 PM
1

Check your state. Check your jurisdiction for child support. In NYS (my state) it's winner takes all. Winner = primary parent. So primary parent receives money for child support even if they make more than the secondary parent. If she is in agreement to 50/50 - get that in writing signed by a judge asap! Seeing as she's a SAHM - she can easily say she does 90% of all childcare and, therefore, you should have EOW only. If she agrees to "sign ofd" on 50/50, great. Worry about the asset split and c…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 08:07 PM
1

I was similiar. When I was married, having a few drinks together- after work was our "thing." Well the marriage sucked so much and was so boring 1glass of wine for me - then turned into 2 glasses of wine for me + and then 1-2 old fashioneds, or bourbon neat. I wasn't drunk, "drunk" but felt it most mornings afterwards. When the divorce started i drank wayy less and exercised more. Now I have a few drinks a few times a month - and only when I'm on a date. I reflect back in my marriage and - simil…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 12:58 PM
2

Heads up - She doesn't want it to stop. She's living in the house and has control over you - to an extent. Also if there is no parenting plan signed by a judge- there is no nesting plan. Consider going back to your house and living there. Permanently. Let her leave and have the children visit her. Caveat - I know you are just venting. It's been a year. My divorce took 2 years, because - maybe similar to you (??) - I was hoping my ex would be rationale, would just split shit and be done. But real…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 12:50 AM
10

Just remember, a divorce is - initially - a negotiation. Now you know she wants everything. So you can ask for more "stuff." She wants you to cover her health insurance premium? Then you want 100% of the your home's equity or 90% of your retirement funds, etc. You don't know how her health will be 1 month, 1 year or 1 decade from now. What if she gets sick and insurance won't cover a treatment she wants and gets? So maybe you tell her for 1 year you'll cover health insurance but you want more eq…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 03:54 PM
1

I hope OP read this I'll add one more. Divorce is always amicable until you disagree with your ex. You have a child. It seems like you did everything to make your ex (or STBX) happy. She MAY (and i hope this doesn't happen) expect you to roll over in terms of custody or even money. Women have a way to twist things in their head. Once you say no to something you'll see what you're truly in for.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 11:41 AM
1

otc sleep medication. I use zzzquil every once in a while. Melatonin didn't really do much for me. Try to set a routine for bed, whatever that may be. One thing that helped me - and I admit I don't do this nearly enough - turn off the TV and screens an hour or two before bed . . . and read. No blue light, no screens - just a ... book.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 06:30 PM
3

No kids. File for divorce asap - that should freeze your marital assets. Meaning if you have a joint banking account - the day you filed for divorce is the date established for the marital money to be split. After you file, then move out. In you filing (or speak to your lawyer) make sure you discuss the mortgage/rent payment. IE if she stays at the home, she would be responsible for the payments, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 11:43 AM
1

No we share custody now. But for 3 months she wouldn't let me see him (during the summer of covid). Courts were closed, we had no parenting plan - so there were no rules for her/us to follow. Then when we went to court she did the - He hasn't taken care of child in XX number of months.. It was a mess. Until you have a signed parenting plan - there isn't much to fall back on if she runs off with child. File for divorce, establish a baseline (proposal) for custody - and if she "takes" child you ca…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 11:38 AM
2

I know it's an uncontested divorce. But typically these are printed out and signed in front of a notary. Also, even though it's only 10 months --, seeing as she's acting like this -- maybe have a lawyer read it (probably worth the ,$500 he'll charge). You never know what surprises might be in there, especially if she has a lawyer. Who knows, maybe she threw in a line about lifetime spousal support or something. Just be careful.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 02:34 AM
2

Has divorce paperwork been filed? No? Then youre still married. And your STBX can probably take your minor daughter with her (assuming she brings her to school, etc.) So, file for divorce ASAP with a lawyer. Start vetting lawyers asap. Get a parenting plan established ASAP. You need to move on this fast. If nothing is filed, you're in the wild west. Also, when you're around your ex always have your phone OR a digital voice recorder on you. This way you can hit record if she tries a DV call. Fina…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 02:28 AM
2

No. Why would you ever want to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 02:21 AM
4

Make sure you're ready to date first. Don't take dating apps so seriously. Expect to be ghosted, stood up, etc. Keep trying tho, there are plenty of apps out there. But just don't expect love at first, second or third swipe.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 08:15 PM
1

This. 100%. I believe - and check with your lawyer - CA is lifetime alimony if a marriage is > 10 years. I'm in NYS, my marriage was < 5 years. So I was in the hook for Alimony for 22 months. I paid in a lump sum - because while I believe I pay wayy too much Child Support (which my ex uses for her own lifestyle) I can understand the purpose. But, paying someone who refuses to work $1,500 a month for 22 months was tough. So I did it all in one shot. Also -OP. Keep in mind IF she wants things to m…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 10:23 AM
1

This. Also, my take on a few other things. She probably convinced herself you either don't want or won't get your child 50% of the time. She probably has vetted divorce lawyers already and knows exactly what she'll get - but also alhas convinced herself of what she'll do if you don't comply. I'd also say, if she is having an affair - it's worth asking - it could be for the best. She'll be happy with Mr. Wonderful (for the time being) and hopefully would be less volatile in the divorce. "Oh you'r…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 11:17 AM
1

Try reading "The Obstacle is the Way." Every single (well most anyway) divorced man has been in your situation. Keep trying "something" until something clicks with you. One quote I think of sometimes, when I'm in a rut is -"If nothing changes; nothing changes." And, yeah - 90% of the time I'm great now. But 10% of the time, I'll get back in the dark place and I know I need to do something different. It's not like we - divorced men - have some magic elixir to make things better, mentally/physical…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 01:40 PM
2

That's a really great point. I wish i could up vote your comment more ...
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 07:19 PM
2

Make sure mentally you're okay. Dating apps, have fun. Seriously. You'll get some dates, ghosting, random encounters and meet some cool people too. Just don't take it too seriously, you could be chatting with someone - thinking it's going great - and find out the next morning she deleted you. Try a club. I play pickleball and have met a few people that way, or maybe a running/hiking club. Meetup is great too, just don't be that guy who's overly interested.... in everyone. Get a hobby or two and …
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 09:04 PM
1

Your last paragraph hits the nail in the head. Took me a longg time to realize that. Both people need to want to change/ improve the relationship. My ex just went to the sessions to say she went - if that makes sense.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 08:26 PM
1

So this was my experience. my ex - out of the blue - told me she wanted to separate. She did agree to go to couples counseling/therapy. In order to even get an appointment with a counselor (this was back in 2018) I had to call 5 to find one who would meet with us within 2-weeks. Most were not taking new couples/people. So, we just went to whomever had a slot open. I should have mentioned this in my prior comment. No idea if it's still that hard to get an appointment anymore. Especially with onli…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 08:22 PM
4

To prevent divorce. No. To make us friends during the divorce. No. That's my experience. Typically women will vet many counselors until they find one they "click" with. Which means the counselor is easily manipulated by their tears/emotions. My ex and I went to 3 different counselors (whilst the divorce started to try to remain friends and communicate). The counselors that asked tough question (and to me would be the most helpful) were discarded by my ex. "I didn't like him. " So we ended up goi…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 10:55 AM
1

You're correct! Thanks for clarifying for OP.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 12:31 PM
1

What's your divorce decree say? Does it say you get xx% of her SS benefits, etc. (or something of the like)? As an example, my divorce decree says that I (and my ex) are entitled to each other's pension following the XYZ formula set forth in XYX ruling in my state. So - I (and she) have to contact the plan administrator to obtain. Just trying to point out - 1) Find out what your divorce says. 2) If it says you get XYZ you then get to figure out how to collect on that. It's not too complex, but i…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 12:47 PM
2

Don't leave the house. Start vetting lawyers now. Most give you a 30 minute free consultation. You want a litigator. Someone who isn't "scared" of a trial or will push you to negotiate down. Start getting ready. Consider - or do it asap - putting your paycheck in your own bank account. Find your kids passports and put them in a safety deposit box. If you ex doesn't work - or if she does - start minimizing luxury expenses (IE, cancel all streaming services, get the cheapest cell phone plan, etc.)…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 12:37 PM
1

Thanks all. We each have individual meetings (hers is in a few days, apparently). So I basically just reiterated, "I'll address this when I see him again- which won't be until xx day." I could tell they were fishing around a bit. But telling them I havent seen my son in x number of days to address this behavior got the point across.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 02:07 PM
2

Good point. My plan is to mention that I'll address this, but i won't see our child for x numbers of days, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 08:36 PM
1

Does this mean the engagement ring as well? Consider how lucky you are that she left then behind. Mine took them, refused to sell, etc. Do yourself a favor, go to a pawn shop and get whatever they give you. Never think of it again. I used to think I would burn my wedding ring and some type of bullshit symbolism. But then I figured, why should waste anymore of my energy on this (divorce). My ring is buried in some drawer someplace.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 03:59 PM
3

You bought her the car. There, that's it. That's your "gift" to your daughter. She can be insured under her mom's plan or get her own insurance. It'll cost more getting her own insurance, but she can get a job. Also - an used A6?! I'm assuming it has +100k miles on it? Good luck. I had an A4 years ago, once it hit 80k miles I was in the shop every month. And Hanz and Franz weren't cheap to repair. Totally not shitting on your decisions - I would have loved an A6 when I was 17; I just had a reall…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 10:58 AM
2

If his ex isn't vindictive and wants to actually be cordial, amicable, etc. They can agree on anything. But this is exactly what I was up against when I didn't agree with my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 12:44 AM
7

NYS divorced dad here. I'll be blunt. You're fucked.I apologize for the bluntness, but it's better to prepare for the worst. As Ex is a SAHM she will be the primary parent. You're on the hook for, I think, 33% (could be 25% I forget. I have one child and pay 17%) of your gross pay for child support. Google - NYS child support calculator. Plug in yours and your ex's income. You'll get an idea for child support. Alimony - Duration is usually half the length of the marriage if less than 5 years. If…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 11:58 PM
6

Keep telling others and don't stop. My divorce was similiar in new york state. Pretty much if you're the higher earner - you are fuct financially. And if your wife is a stay at home mom - you are fuct custody wise. Never marry, have kids (but you don't have to be married!) enjoy life with no strings - is what I tell younger guys at work.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 11:22 PM
2

This. Read the divorce filing as well. That will have on there exactly what she wants. Guarantee it says everything above (100% custody, lifetime alimony, Child support, paying for college, etc.). My ex tried something similiar ... Tried to make the divorce filing seem like a friendly process - when in reality it was her trying to achieve maximum leverage. Don't be fooled. Also, to add to this, move back in to YOUR house asap.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 05:36 PM
1

Seconding this. I remember the eggshell days when I was married. By far the worst time of my life. Basically was a prisoner in my own home. If you're still married, start planning your divorce. If that scares you, just imagine the example your and your wife are setting for your children. Being divorced, happy and, maybe alone (but not lonely) is way better than being miserable and married.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:55 PM
1

This is such a good post for how hard it is for Father's. Those fathers with 50/50 or close to - without a fight are so lucky. I had to fight for one year just to get 2 extra nights of custody so I wouldn't be a EOW father. My ex was a SAHM, and claimed I didn't change enough diapers - as her reason to have 100% custody. She also wouldn't let me see my son for 3 months when the divorce started. What the mother wants, she gets. I even got the honor of paying her legal fees because she was a SAHM …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 02:22 PM
4

As an aside, I just broke up with my gf of 3 months (don't laugh it was my longest relationship post divorce). I told her she's a great person, but I'm looking for simplicity in a relationship. She wanted to be treated like a princess and constantly told me how lucky I was to be dating her, how she expects XYZ, she gave me feedback on how to improve our dates/relationship, etc. Anyways broke up over a month ago. 2 days ago she sent me a 10 paragraph txt telling me how I was and I quote - "Too in…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 01:52 PM
1

Same. I see posts here and on FB - where the guy is like "My ex asked for a divorce (or seperation), she said money doesn't matter and the child will come first - she wants it to be amicable" ... And I always think - your ex already filed, she knows how much money she'll get AND she is now going to convince you that her having the child 90% of the time is best. Amicable is only when they get everything they want, in my opinion
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 06:10 PM
2

Yep. That's exactly what happened in mine. And why I post about this stuff on Reddit almost 4 years after my divorce finalized ... I was still trying to "save" the relationship - while not knowing she 1) already filed for divorce (took her 2 months to tell me) 2) Vetted lawyers for 2-3 months 3) Moved on emotionally and already had a guy lined up, etc. All while we were going to counseling to discuss "us" lol
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 03:37 PM
3

Let the emotions out. But not in front of her. She is no longer your wife. Now is the time to prepare for the divorce. If she is serving you divorce papers - she probably already has a lawyer, a gameplay and her support system set up. Start vetting lawyers asap - most will give you a free consultation. Start figuring out what you want for custody if kids are involved. Start figuring out her income. Pull last year's taxes, etc. Find your state's online calculator for child support (if applicable)…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 12:26 PM
1

Thanks, this is really helpful perspective. It's just aggravating. I've started to bring a book to read...
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 12:53 AM
1

Yep, that's the same thought process I had when going through my divorce. I was paying nearly $3k a month - in temporary alimony + temporary child support through our divorce. I would say make sure you get a hard trial date. Manage your finances to that date. That's what I did, and just tried to stay afloat. It took us 22 months to officially be divorced . . . In my state, we had to have pretrial conferences - where we'd meet the judge (with our attorneys) to discuss the items we couldn't agree …
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 12:17 PM
2

I don't know what a RFO is. As far as the opponent lawyer, they can ask for anything. You can respond with what you think is reasonable (but ask for "more" and then negotiate to the middle). For temp alimony ... In my jurisdiction the date of separation (for the calculation for marital length) was when the divorce lawsuit was filed. Temporary alimony was for the 2 yrs while we were "working" towards the divorce. So yeah, to answer your question it'd be 3+ 2. Welcome to divorce.......
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 12:08 AM
2

Check your jurisdiction. Alimony length in NYS was half the number of months of marriage if marriage is short term (less than 10 years). I had to pay her temp alimony during the divorce process (which took 2 years) because she claimed she was a SAHM who couldn't earn a living. Re: Lawyer fee ... I think that one depends totally on the situation. My ex did the whole - I'm a poor SAHM - thing to get me to pay her $5k retainer. The judge agreed. If your ex is sane, yeah, maybe offer 50% of her lega…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 08:53 PM
3

When you say, "you moved" the swaps. Did your ex agree to that - or did you need court intervention to modify?
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 05:28 PM
2

This is quite helpful. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 05:26 PM
6

I love my peace. I also frequently date, but have not found anyone who compliments my life with a non-drama lifestyle that I now crave. Caveat, not all women like me either - so don't want this to come across as a "all women love me" post. I mostly look forward to spending time with my son (when he's with me) and doing whatever I want. I may be alone, but I've never felt as lonely when I was married.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 01:18 PM
1

Chiming in. You can ask ChatGPT to draft a BIFF email if you're unfamiliar. Obviously you may have to edit a bit. But it helps. Also responding after 24 hours not only helps your emotions clear. It also "trains" your ex to now that she will not be getting an immediate response. My ex txt'd me to complain about my lack of response and that she "doesn't accept it." My response was no response. I only respond to items specific to our child (exchanges,activities, times and dates of sports, etc.) But…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 12:06 PM
1

Nope. My ex became a SAHM once our child was born. So, even though we were doing the "equitable" split of our assets, at our first pre-trial conference with our judge my ex's lawyer requested me to pay her $5k retainer. The judged agreed - because she played the "I can't make any money card" - even though she was an accountant making a 6 figure salary before becoming a SAHM. The remainder of the money I paid for her lawyer fees was negotiated. I figured - once we agreed on custody - it was cheap…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 11:52 AM
15

I paid $350 an hour with a $5k retainer. I spent about $15k on my lawyer and had the "pleasure" of paying my ex's fees. If you're looking for advice, here's some: -Figure out exactly what you want custody wise. And what youre willing to bend on and what you won't bend on.. -Figure out how much money you have to spend. -Do not use your lawyer to "bounce" questions off of. -Do not play the lawyer game of sending and responding to every little proposal. Most divorces are decided the day before the …
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 08:04 PM
5

One thing I did during my divorce (took me a while to figure this out) and even now. I wait 24 hours to respond to her or communicate with lawyer over "something" she is complaining about. Waiting 24 hours allowed my pissed off emotions to clear and kind of figure out a better course of action - versus engaging in a pointless argument. 95% of the time no response has been the best course of action.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 01:10 PM
7

Wow. This! This is so concise and true. When my ex filed she told me it was no big deal, just boilerplate language in the filing - that just happened to say she wanted everything. EVERYTHING (100% custody, lifetime alimony, lifetime child support, me to payy 100% of college,etc). Then when I read it back to her - she said, "Oh that's not how my lawyer explained it to me; I didnt really read everything." And then I saw that she - my ex - initialed, signed and had each page notarized. My point. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 01:06 PM
1

Kept social media. Deleted or unfriended all of her friends and family. Deleted or "untagged" all pics of us together. We remain friends on Facebook only because we use FB Messanger for our young child to ftime with each other. However, I block her from seeing any/all of my activity on FB. I wouldn't worry about potential new girlfriends seeing pictures with her. We all have a history. I was always more concerned about unwanted drama and BS.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 11:49 AM
6

Go hard. Ask for more time, plus the time she withheld the child and like every Thanksgiving (some holiday). My point, if you go easy she'll probably just do it again because there were no severe ramifications Also - make sure you request HER to pay your legal fees. As she was the one who broke the divorce/custody agreement. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 07:07 PM
1

How long were you married for? The duration of alimony is typically half the number of months you were married. So, I'm in New York, married for 50 months - and would have had to pay alimony for 2 years. I paid her up front the total value of alimony when we divorced. For the "cost" It's a simple calculation and you can find online calculators for NYS specifically. If you divorce and are obligated to pay alimony - and THEN you lose your job - you need to file a change in circumstances asap. I do…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 06:47 PM
1

Probably a year, because I didn't understand the process and my lawyer just kept on sending proposals wasting my money. I THINK judges like to see efforts to negotiate, but I truly don't know.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 09:59 PM
1

I'm in New York. I have no idea if that's true. Ask around for the process in your jurisdiction. I have heard of a 6 month separation time period - but I thought that was to have a reason for the divorce (before no fault divorces were introduced).
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/24 09:57 PM
5

Good. My divorce cost me $15-20k and I got to pay my ex's legal fees of $15k. Hang in there. It's worth it in the end...
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 06:42 PM
4

One thing I'd do differently is not respond to any of her proposals. Talking to my lawyer, having him write a response (then responding to their response to my response) was such a waste of $.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 06:10 PM
1

Check with your jurisdiction or Google law/scholar. Check your state for child support and alimony calculators. I'm in NYS, and they were easily found via Google Meet with lawyers for free consultations, ask them direct pointed questions. "Will I have to pay alimony if she cheated." Concerning the house, marital assets, CS, alimony and custody --- unless you can 100% trust your ex (and since she cheated on you) it sounds like you can't you should 100% get a lawyer. Remember - EVERYTHING in a div…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 06:09 PM
2

Everyone is different. But embrace it. My ex's family (and ex laws) are "nice." Always friendly with me during the marriage but once the divorce started - only a few actually spoke to me or even said hi when I saw them at a grocery store, etc. The few that speak to me, I still speak to - say hi and catch up when i see them. The others, screw them - I have no relationship with them at all and have no interest in making amends. Divorce is tough. But sometimes you need to be tougher...
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 02:03 PM
2

Most divorce agreements happen within 1 week of the trial date. Some the day before (mine was settled 2 days before the trial). Other have posted this already, just be ready for the false accusations when you stop "negotiating" with her - as that will be the indication to HER that you are no longer a doormat. So she could go the route of a (false) DV claim or a temporary restraining order to get you out of the house. Have a DAR (digital audio recorder) on you at all times when in the house toget…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 01:53 PM
7

Yours and her lawyer(s) are more than willing to drag this out. They both will be happy to write letter back and forth to jack up your billable hours. Check your paperwork, or outright ask your lawyer - when is our court date? (Or mandatory mediation or whatever your jurisdiction does) That is how long this will take. Your ex had no reason to do anything, until you press her (cut off her money, delete her from your credit cards, deposit your paycheck in your own. account, cut all non necessary b…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 12:44 AM
2

As other have said, talk to a lawyer. Generally - anything earned during the marriage is considered a marital asset (including yours and hers retirement assets and pension). House - if you want to stay in it - you'd need to refinance and buyout 50% of the equity. (If you bought the house together) If she's the larger earner you may be off the hook for alimony and child support and YOU could get both from her. Just know that all depends - in my state (NYS) the non-primary parent pays child suppor…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 06:56 PM
1

If you purchased the home during your marriage - it's a marital asset. If you purchased the home before marriage it could be yours (check your jurisdiction; check with a lawyer). With no kids, moving out doesn't really matter. When kids are involved we always advise fathers to STAY in the house so the STBX can't say you abandoned the children (and eek out more custody from us). That being said, stay in the house. All the chores you mention are stupid. Do what you want. A judge isn't going to rul…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 01:00 PM
1

Not sure the income disparity, but you could use that in a response to one of her motions (IE, Engage aawyer and indicate you cant pay). My ex did that to be - after that court appearance I had to pay her $5,000 within 60 days and then had to pay temporary alimony and child support. AND - eventually - pay for $10,000 more in her legal fees. My ex - who had the financial means - had a family member pay her lawyers retainer to "prove" she couldn't pay her legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 01:44 PM
1

Wow this sounds similiar to mine. My ex took kids away from me when Covid started back in 2020 (we were about 6 monttlhs into divorce process - relatively amicable). Wouldn't let me see them for the entire summer because "I had covid" (I didnt). Courts were closed so there was nothing I could do for - legally to see my kids - for ... months. To say sane I did the follwing: -Worked out daily. I know you said you can't because of hernia - but do what you can daily. I did pushups, pullups and ran e…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 01:12 PM
2

Exactly the same here! Hope the divorce goes as well as it can for you.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 07:56 PM
11

I did. My ex is a great person (besides the crap she pulled during the divorce) and is a good mother. I was ashamed and embarrassed of being divorced initially. I always thought people would think - What did HE do wrong? Then I woke up and said fuck it. I'm going to be a proud divorced father. I'm going to remain silent on the BS my ex pulled and proudly say I'm a single dad 35-40% of the time (my custodial time). Remember this: Your divorce doesn't define you. And anyone who looks differently a…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 07:27 PM
2

My ex kept it. When we were cordial I said we can just sell it and use it to pay our legal expenses. She said it's hers and she wants to give it to our kid - when he's older. This exchange was the first time I realized her filing for divorce wasn't a Spur of the moment thing. But rather a calculated filing. after consulting with her lawyer secretly for months. In other words, she knew exactly what she was doing, what she was going to get and had a plan to extract everything else from me. (Prior …
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 03:13 PM
9

-Sharing a bed with someone who snores AND would get mad if I mentioned that it kept me up all night AND was livid at my suggestion of sleeping in the guest room. -Coming home to a house full of anxiety and having to walk on eggshells because she couldn't communicate wtf was wrong. I was later blamed for not making her feel comfortable enough to communicate what was wrong. -Coming home to my mother in law, who was an absolute miserable person -Listening to my ex talk with that high pitched fake …
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 05:29 PM
3

A few on my phone I would read over and over when shit was hitting the fan (IE, court). ** 98% of LIFE is about dealing with failure and still being able to smile and find joy the next day ** In your darkest moments you must become the devil ... to get out of hell ** Live your life without keeping score. ** When the distance is unknown and the end is unknown .. That's when know who the fuck you are. ** Love your enemies; Do good to them which hate you; Bless them that curse you; And pray for the…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 12:15 PM
4

Depens on your relationship. I did while we were amicable. After the things she did, no. Not ever. And that's OK. We only need to be good role models to our kids. They see through the BS.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 05:56 PM
1

This is really helpful. Just knowing there aren't repercussions is obviously shitty, but good to know. I've heard family court doesn't care unless a child is actually in harm. And these "things" they don't care about. And, yeah, I'm never getting married again. And hope to educate my son on the perils of marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 05:54 PM
3

Yeah that's what I do. But it hasn't really changed the pick up issues. Just a tit-for-tat sort of thing. I think I was just more venting than anything else. Glad to see I'm not the only one with this issue.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 03:18 PM
4

Yes. My divorce took 2 years to finalize. Dating had no impact on the actual divorce negotiation. I dated mostly to improve self esteem. At the beginning of my divorce I thought I was damaged goods and no one would want to date me. So dating was good to see that wasn't true. I mainly had relationships that lasted 1-2 months. I also realized that you never talk about you ex, your marriage, etc during dates. It was helpful to date. Kept me sane. But only do it if your ready - and also be prepared …
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 11:06 AM
7

Yep. Everything is amicable until you say "no" to one of their demands. Then you'll really find out what/who you're negotiating with.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 01:01 PM
6

Prepare. Don't drink. Exercise. Stay positive. Read books (The Obstacle is the Way, or The Daily Stoic). Find a new hobby. Make a list of all the things you want to go (post divorce). I'm saying this because it MIGHT get worse. Right now you're dealing with the emotional/relationship feelings. It sucks. We ALL get it, take your time to grieve the relationship ending, but remember she is no longer your wife, so don't treat her or think of her as one. If you just retained a lawyer (and she has one…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 12:55 PM
2

Same. She changed it only on social media, but still keeps my last name bc of the kid.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 12:30 AM
5

Consult with multiple lawyers. California is a 50/50 state. But ask the attorney the expectations and/or how to get it. As you were a stay at home dad - lifetime alimony (to you, from her) should be discussed, as well as child support. Also, ask for additional monies so you can get back in your feet - (IE, go back to school to get a degree or whatever). Ask about division of assets. Not just checking/savings, but also the marital retirement assets. If your spouse has a 401k, pension you are enti…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 03:48 PM
3

"Alienate" is something you can never prove in court. Sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 01:39 PM
9

A few things. Based on my divorce in my county, state (jurisdiction). So YMMV You should first get her to agree to 50/50 custody, or whatever the most custody you can have - given your work schedule. Any money earned during marriage is a marital assets. Including the house. The sweat equity you put in the house is value-less. She is entitled to a portion of your retirement assets (pension, 401ks, etc.) - during the time of your marriage. Most -80% of divorces - are settled prior to a trial. Some…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 01:32 PM
3

It's about Stoicism. Mostly short stories about how to deal with challenging situations - and focusing on what you can control, versus worrying (fearing?) about what you can not. I keep it in my car and sometimes read it when I know I'll be around my ex, her new bf, my ex-mother-in-law, etc. As an aside, my ex rode off in the sunset too. Lives off of the child support I pay her, live at home with her mom in a 3,500 sqft home, quit her 40hour a week, $100k/yr job to "do" what she wants. Substitut…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 05:04 PM
6

Be a 100% dad, the 50% of the time you have with your kids. When they're not with you, focus only on the good things in life. Read the book, The Obstacle is the Way.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 01:25 PM
2

Yeah. And if not, writing is on the wall - and find a good lawyer. And hope it doesn't get ugly.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 09:24 PM
2

I'm totally not advocating for you to stay together in the marriage in its current form. But I do think it's worth trying to make it better. And, hey, maybe it doesn't work out and you divorce 6 months later than you planned. Nothing lost but a few months worth of time. The person you divorce is not the person you marry. So you just never know what will happen is my point.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 08:15 PM
5

"It kind of works" ... Maybe try couples counseling; seems like there could be a communication issue at hand? What would make you like her more - or what's missing from the relationship -- maybe a counselor could help you both figure it out. In any event ... Divorce sucks, you never know how she'll respond - you could be look at every other weekend visits with your child and paying her Child Support and Spousal Support. If you're asking for advice, I think you should try every avenue to make the…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/24 04:31 PM
2

Awesome! One of my biggest regrets is not getting a few more nights with my son. I have about 40%. I don't live in CA so it was a dogfight. Anyways, better days are coming man. Keep focusing on the positive.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 08:09 PM
4

Read The Obstacle is the Way. I don't know if your custody is final and 4 hours is all you'll ever get on Father's Day. If so, it sounds like you made the most of it. I had a similiar situation, but after a 2 year divorce process I finally wrestled a reasonable amount of custody from my ex - who, on FD 4 years ago only.let me see.my 3.5 yr old son for 45 minutes at a diner. It was heart breaking seeing all the other Father's there - happily eating with their families. Anyways, hang in there. You…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 05:57 PM
12

She wants all the benefits of being married to you, without being married. She loves what you provide, but she doesn't love OR want you. I'd start consulting lawyers asap. My divorce was similiar, but different. Ex was a stay at home mom. She said we should separate but remain friends, as she loved me but didnt love me "like that" anymore. And didn't want an ugly divorce. I later found out she was vetting divorce lawyers at least 6 months before our relationship really sunk. So she knew exactly …
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 05:34 PM
2

15k for my lawyer. And I got to pay $15k for my ex's lawyer. PLUS during the divorce "process" I had to pay temporary CS and temporary spousal support, which was $2,800 a month for about 12 months. We only have one child. But I survived, and money can always be made. Honestly wish we had a trial (probably another $10k) to get more custody, etc and less ambiguity in our Divorce settlement
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 04:30 PM
4

Check your jurisdiction / county marital laws. In my county since I gave her the engagement ring as a gift AND we got married, the ring was hers to keep - legally. If you bought her an engagement and did not get married you, in my county/state (new york) might be able to get it back. But it'd probably take a few bucks via court to do so...
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 01:04 AM
3

Zzzquil works better for me than melatonin gummies. I still take it when I have my son, as sometimes I have a hard time settling down when he's with me. Benadryl also works well- and helps with allergies too! Also try to set a consistent bedtime schedule. Read and try to stay off your phone for an hour before bed. My phone goes to black and white mode around 930pm. Sure ppl have fun of me for that. But in all honesty - Getting a consistent nights sleep was and still is one of the hardest things …
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 03:52 PM
0

What state are you in? Learn your state's/jurisdiction asap. Some jurisdictions you'll get 50/50 just for asking. Others, not so much. Check with your county clerk (some you can do this online) to see if your wife already filed for divorce. This sounds very similiar to mine, where my ex said one thing but did another. EG," let's work on being friends, coparenting, etc.", - Where in reality she was vetting divorce lawyers for 6 months, filed for divorce and lied about it (told me we should just s…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/24 12:13 PM
5

Parallels to my divorce. Things I learned when my divorce was finalized: ... Ex brought up potentially separating, she made it seem like she "just" really started to think of it and wanted to actually talk about our relationship (how to make ir better, etc). In reality, she began vetting divorce lawyers 6 months prior. A few weeks later, ex said "We ust have to figure out how to split our stuff and figure out the parental times for our child." In reality, she filed for divorce 1-month prior (on …
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 12:25 PM
1

Great comment: "If the kids bring it up, then to make them happy I see no harm" I will never plan to get my ex anything. Unless my son mentions it. I also tell my son he never has to get me anything. Ever. For example, his mother took him on a beach vacation for Spring Break. My son, when he got back, told me he picked out and gifted seashells for his teacher, mom and mom's babysitter. But got nothing for me. I told him - How proud/happy I was that he gave gifts to his teacher, etc. And also tol…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/24 01:24 PM
2

The best response to an ex after an extremely volatile divorce is being happy. Say nothing. Let your ex see you happy. Trust me, not responding and just enjoying your life will drive her nuts.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 05:48 PM
1

Two options. Fight it and pay a lawyer money to hopefully lessen the amount you have to pay her. Or, move on - take the hit and be done with yor divorce. If you fight it, consider how much you'll end up paying your lawyer for an outcome that IS NOT assured. IE, you never know how a judge will rule. In my divorce my ex kept her salary extremely low during the 2-years it took to finalize and also asked for additional monies because of XYZ reason. My lawyer told me I had a good arguement to limit t…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 01:11 PM
2

Exactly the same. Txt only using BIFF. I wait 24 hours to respond to non-emergency txts. Sometimes i dont reply at all. Sometimes I use Chatgpt to help with BIFF. My son is still in elementary school. Maybe someday we can coparent, but after she burned it all down during our relatively amicable divorce - I saw what she is capable of. And no longer wish to speak to her. As an aside, I finally got her to use email. So long communications - where she is trying to change our parenting plan to fit he…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 11:34 AM
1

Test her "amicable-ness." You don't have to divorce everything all at once. IE you can agree to a parenting plan first and then money later. If you currently have 50/50 - lock that in (legally) now. Once that's is agreed to (legally) then and only then should you discuss CS, SS, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 03:43 PM
1

That sucks. Wish they just locked it, such a good resource for men going through it ... with good practical advice. Vs the BS you see elsewhere
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/24 03:50 PM
1

Any updates? I thought that forum was great. I'm many years post my divorce but still posted to help out other guys.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/24 10:34 PM
1

If you have 100% custody, you should really consider getting her to pay child support. Of course if you already (in your divorce) decided no child support - then it's probably impossible to change. Good story though! It's unreal what they think they're entitled to. Congrats on 100% custody too!!!
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 02:55 PM
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