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GravityIsForRookies Archive

View 12 posts and 162 comments by GravityIsForRookies on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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7

Should have swiped right so she’d know that you know. If she matched back you could just ignore her.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 03:52 PM
2

Love most of my ex’s family. I really miss them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 01:34 AM
2

Yeah, totally agree. She’s never been in danger and never will be. The boyfriend part is just a fantasy. I’m working through those feelings. The entire thing isn’t worth doing anything but living my best life for me and my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 04:34 AM
-1

Can’t. I love her. I’d rather die myself.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 12:16 AM
3

My ex isn’t living with him but she told our daughter (paraphrasing) that he’s not going anywhere (as daughter expressed not liking him) and that she expects him to propose and indicted she’d say yes. The divorce was sudden and I didn’t want it. There was no cheating here… she met him on some dating app like a year after we split. I still don’t want the divorce and I love her. Probably because I’m an idiot. Some days… many days… I fantasize about driving over to his house and murdering him befor…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 11:13 PM
3

Not that I disagree but… how fucked up is that?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 04:05 AM
2

That last thing you say is interesting and I think it highlights yet another difference between men and women. There are aspects of my story where I was in fact the villain. I’ve owned that with her. At times, she was the villain too but I have a better chance of buying a billion dollar lottery ticket than hearing those words from here. It’s also interesting that you talk about justifying their actions. I had what could only be described as a massive fight with my ex this morning. She’s convince…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/24 07:09 PM
9

Sounds like the echo chamber my ex lives in. 😂. They are proud of her for taking this brave step and going it on her own. Yet, at the same time, I’m some kind of evil genius monster. I wish I was half as powerful as they seem to think I am.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/24 06:28 PM
14

Man, as sad as it is, I sometimes love reading posts on this subreddit. My ex has used those exact same words “I don’t feel comfortable…” and yet she’ll come into my house to see the kids. She’s even brought me dinner before… yet she doesn’t feel comfortable. Unreal, right?
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/24 05:09 PM
13

If you need a new office manager I’ll do it. I’ll even put in 25 hours a week.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 08:28 PM
8

I literally living this experience at this exact moment
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 07:56 PM
1

I’ve fallen into the trap of extending the olive branch over and over only to be surprised by her behavior. I realized I have to expect the worst from her rather than the best. That won’t change her behavior but it will change how I think and interact with her.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 03:23 PM
5

Yup, just another mistake…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 01:47 AM
11

During the marriage… nothing but divorce me. Literally, nothing. During the divorce she told me that I “fucked up and lost my wife” More recently 1.5+ years divorced… she has told me that she hates me and that I’m a horrible person. Most recently… start of this week… my kids are on spring break. Based on the divorce decree they are mine this entire spring break. She asked if we could split the time. I agreed on 2 conditions… 1. She split with me next year and 2. She not take her boyfriend with t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 04:29 PM
2

I’ve found it’s simply a game of numbers on the dating apps. It was a nice distraction for a while.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 02:22 AM
2

Sounds like you and I are walking the same path. I’ve dated, even had some sex… it was all hollow and unfulfilling. I’ve also had sex with the exception of and it was fantastic… of course that’s both good and bad.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 02:19 AM
3

I’m lonely as hell but I’m not sure I can ever be in a real relationship again. I’m broken in a way I couldn’t have comprehended before this happened. I keep marching forward but I’m a shell of my former self.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 01:57 AM
3

I made mistakes like that too. I was led to believe I could share anything with her. Turns out there were exceptions to that I was totally unaware of.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 01:53 AM
5

Nothing is wrong with you. I have the same type of problem… she’s made it clear she’s moving on without me. Yet, I literally pray she’ll realize the mistake she’s made multiple times a day. I came to the conclusion that I had changed who I was when was with her. I had changed to get all my validation from her and then it was gone…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 01:47 AM
2

I would like one but honestly not sure I’ll find one. I live a bit far from the nearest city. Thus, my pool is a few professional women and a lot of single moms with multiple kids and they tend to work places like Walmart.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 07:51 PM
4

lol totally get that. I was actually being kind to my ex in saying that. Friends and family have described her as bipolar and psychotic
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 05:04 PM
12

I’ve had similar experiences with my ex. I’m the type of person that seeks to understand things. Thus, I’ve thought about this way too much. Here’s what I’ve figured out… she needs to validate her decision to get divorced. In my case, it was very sudden and did a lot of damage to me and our kids. So, in order to make herself feel better she reaches out and pokes me with false narratives. I was in the habit of taking the bait and defending myself. It seemed logical to defend myself when she says …
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 04:51 PM
14

Yes, several times. A couple times she texted me saying she wanted to. A few other times it happened more naturally when we were around each other. The last time I started it in text and we ended up in her bed a few hours later. I can’t say I regret it but it has made letting go much harder.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 03:17 AM
2

I wish you luck. Divorce sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 02:14 PM
3

Only hope - Admit everything you have done wrong. Don’t justify it. Just sincerely apologize. Ask him for a list of everything that needs to change for him to stay. If he provides the list, honestly evaluate if you can do it all - forever.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 02:08 PM
6

A true answer to that deserves a Nobel Prize.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:58 PM
1

I’m sorry she did that to you. Cheating is about the only thing mine didn’t do. I think we could have saved what we had too… she would have had to communicate though.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 09:29 PM
3

I think you are correct. She skipped healing and has plastered over it with a new distraction. Breaks my heart that she’s doing this to the kids and I can’t protect them.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 09:27 PM
3

Logically, I’ve let go. Emotionally though… I’m still in this. When I can stay logical I mostly ok. When she finds a new way past my defenses it sends me back to the land of emotions. So tired of this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 09:26 PM
2

Yup, I fall for it too. I feel like a fool every time too.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 09:23 PM
2

Is it considered a rebound relationship if she slept around for the first year of divorce and then got into an actual relationship after a year post divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 09:23 PM
5

I’m at about 2 years as well. 3 bodies unless I count the ex… none of the others mattered. I spend far too much time trying to understand WTF actually happened. It’s not that I won’t accept it… part of me just can’t seem to.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:33 AM
1

No.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 11:55 PM
3

Made similar mistakes. I actually thought she’d wake up one day and realize she’d destroyed our lives and our family. I was way too nice for too long. I’m still there for my kids but not her.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 09:00 PM
9

I struggle with rumination as well. Like you, it’s like the woman I feel in love with died and was replaced by a total stranger.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 05:21 PM
4

Distracting myself with tv and dinner. Saw the ex earlier… she had to come by with the kids to get something. She’s taking them out for dinner… she looked great. It’s a shame her current inside doesn’t match her outside
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 12:36 AM
2

Yup, I would. She’s the mother of my kids. I also still haven’t completely broken her spell over me.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 11:42 PM
3

Well… that’s the catch. Can’t say for sure you’d be wasting time or money. It’s just not a high probability play. Based on how you describe her, it may be better to collect evidence of her being unstable and violating the existing terms.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 06:43 AM
2

If you can the guy around your kid has a history of crimes against children or violence you might be able to do something. As I understand it… courts don’t like morality clauses because they are hard to enforce and they are seen as a way of allowing the ex to be controlled.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 05:55 AM
6

I recently talked to my attorney about adding a morality clause. My situation is a bit different than yours but we’re in the same ballpark. He advised me that while we could attempt to do this that the court was unlikely to grant it (I’m in TX). What I have decided to do is make any of her plans with the bf and my kids as difficult as possible. Trade days? Nope. Let her drop them later? Nope. Etc. It appears to be all the power I have.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/24 03:07 AM
2

Because her implication was that I’m not.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 01:20 PM
3

lol - it’s amazing how many of us have such similar experiences. That’s the conclusion I came to as well.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 03:58 AM
6

I eventually came to the same conclusion. All relationships are great in the beginning. It’s easy to imagine each and every aspect of their relationship is perfect. It may be… for now. She’s got a few dozen loose wires though and there is no way it’ll last.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 03:54 AM
9

Interesting you say she described him as “kind and caring”. That’s how my ex described her boyfriend as well. Describing him that way really grinded my gears. Probably what she wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 03:44 AM
5

Ex and I stayed friends from the start. At first it was fine. We made it about 1.5 years but it was hard. She has a boyfriend now and she’s bringing the kids around him. Frankly, I’m both really jealous and also not a fan of him being around the kids. That last part has more to do with my ego and insecurity as well as my view on parenting. I really wish she and I could be friends. I miss my best friend but my emotions are entirely too raw right now.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 10:00 PM
11

Nope! Mine hasn’t even taken ownership of the minor things she’s done let alone destroying our family and lives. I’m a fool so I keep engaging with her hoping that a miracle will happen and she’ll snap out of this illusionary world she has constructed. It’s not going to happen… as another commenter said… why would she apologize? She hadn’t done anything wrong. /s
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:21 AM
4

Nah, she’s alpha and so am I. That was part of the problem. I think she picked him so she could have her way. He’s in about the same shape, same height, likely makes less than me but still good money. I think I’m more handsome. In many ways, I feel like she traded me for a nicer more boring version of me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:08 PM
8

I got a good laugh from that! Yup, I’m just fine. Just attempting to channel on behalf of her ex that probably can’t do it for himself.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 10:47 PM
5

Mine found a simp that likely makes decent money. She does too and so do I. It’s a push there. He’s clearly a beta though and I think that’s why she picked him. He beats me in one category… he’s 6 years younger (she’s 7 younger than me). Not much of a win. He has her and, unfortunately, I still love her. I’d still rather be me than him.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 10:43 PM
3

It was a joke guys… hence this emoji 😂
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 10:39 PM
20

I’ve been thinking about your post and I’ve got more to say. I’m going to say the things your ex can’t or won’t say. Just like I wish someone would say some shit to my ex. She’s surrounded herself with a cheerleading squad that tells her what a brave and strong woman she is. You probably do too. You all have these bullshit circles full of hateful shrews. You realize he comes to your house to hang out with the kids to see you, right? Do you have any idea of how much pain this man is in? You reali…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 10:37 PM
4

Read the same post and agree. The apology thing was pure joke. I think we have better odds of buying billion dollar lottery tickets than getting apologies.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 10:05 PM
-2

Very mixed emotions. On one hand, I agree… they should fuck off. On the other… if they want the type of abuse they are likely to get… welcome to the sub. Who knows… maybe one will come here and apologize on behalf of all women. 😂
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 09:56 PM
11

Ok, then you believe you should have left. Let the poor guy go… this is likely torture for him.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 09:35 PM
26

I’ve been where he’s at and am going through some of it still. For me, the key was realizing my ex doesn’t actually care about me… actions speak louder than words. Frankly, sounds like you gave up on him. You swore an oath and then bailed on him. Maybe you think you had to but how would you feel if the situation was reversed? What if you had some problems and he bailed on you but then kept you just close enough that your love wouldn’t die and then moved on with another woman? If you care about h…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 08:24 PM
10

I like your last line. Haven’t seen that in years. I’m going through the process you describe… just about through the tunnel. My logical mind knows this is truth. My emotions are lagging a bit.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 11:40 PM
2

Thank you. I’m fully working on me now. That was my rock bottom. I’ve gone totally stoic with her. She’s no longer worth the energy of pursuit. I’m now working on my mental and physical health. I just don’t understand why she won’t go away and leave me alone. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 09:26 PM
3

Blocking her isn’t really reasonable as it’d prevent the kids from being able to talk to me when they want. I suspect she’s attempting to keep me around as a back up. Thanks for the advice.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 09:23 PM
4

Thank for the advice Dr. Phil. I hadn’t realized that I crossed the line and need therapy. I was honest about what happened. I acknowledged that it wasn’t right. I’m also in therapy. You have no idea what my complete story is so please take your sanctimonious attitude for a long walk.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 09:22 PM
3

I’ve really struggled with this since my divorce (working on 2 years ago). Honestly, a real part of me still wants her. I’ve finally realized it’s not worth the energy. Take a moment and ask yourself these questions… be honest with yourself. If she did come back… 1. Could you have a relationship free of fear that she wouldn’t do this again? Do you think there would be no resentment from you? Sure, at first you’d be happy as hell… I mean long term Could you get over the fact that she fucked other…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 09:29 PM
2

You are 100% correct. That fantasy is the last remaining thing to fix in my head. It’s not holding me back anymore and I do think about it less everyday
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 08:53 PM
5

The entire thing is a bit bizarre. I’m clearly a bit broken. As for the dicks… it’s been 5 (counting the current boyfriend) since we split. I’ve been with 3 women. I think we both used sex to try and cope. I’m not terribly concerned about how many guys she’s been with or what’s she’s done. My reference above was to the fact that I know far far too much about exactly what they did. I think I know that because she felt the need to twist the knife.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 08:35 PM
6

I think I may be. There isn’t any way I could adequately explain everything that has happened. Know this… I thought chasing her and taking the abuse was noble… I thought it proved my love. Maybe in some grand judgment of the universe it did… that’s irrelevant to the situation though. What it actually did was convey weakness to her and cost me time and money (I ‘loaned’ her $4k that I’ll never see again) and damaged my psychological health. I honestly now believe the advice I was given by many wa…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 06:06 PM
8

Holy shit. I could have written exactly this. Let me see if I can save you from yourself… I have 2 kids with my ex and live a one minute drive from her. She was frequently sweet with me, would ask for favors, do random nice things for me (like bringing me coffee), even had sex with me from time to time. She asked for the divorce and refused to reconcile. At times, she was even somewhat cruel in that she’d share sexual details about her post divorce ‘dates’. This went on for about 1.5 years. I wa…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 05:53 PM
1

Indeed, it does. I’ve decided to move on, finally. It took way too much drama (much of which was generated by me) but at least I’ve reached escape velocity. For you… if you can handle the emotional side… get all you can.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 08:22 PM
6

Last time was about 6 months ago. Reason for the divorce wasn’t any of the typical things… no cheating, no abuse, no addictions. The high level explanation is that her dad died and I was emotionally closed off and not supportive in the year that followed . There is a deep hole there on explaining why. Net-net… I was wrong and I did make a number of mistakes and have addressed my deficiencies via therapy. She still says she doesn’t trust me enough to be in a relationship with me. It’s a bit insan…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 08:18 PM
10

During the process and several times in the nearly 2 years since it all started. Frankly, very confusing. She likes to say that actions speak louder than words but she won’t reconcile.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 08:12 PM
2

Love that she came to me. I was impressed with many of her questions… incredibly direct.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 08:52 PM
2

Great question… it’s not easy determining how much to say. I try to keep things about the divorce higher level and go out of my way to not throw my ex under the bus. Doing that would hurt her but it would also hurt them…. As I believe that they need both parents. Most of my transparency is only about things they kind of know already. They know I’m sad to be divorced, they know I’m heartbroken that their mom has a boyfriend. Kids are very intuitive and they have read it on me. They have mentioned…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 08:41 PM
13

Since the divorce I’ve totally changed who I am with my kids (boy 6, girl 9). I rarely raise my voice and I don’t yell at all. I have calm conversations with them when they make mistakes. I still punish them but it’s a calm and non-dramatic delivery. I’ve also become as transparent with them as I can be. Both of these things are only possible because I’m divorced. Their mom is more volatile still and isn’t nearly as comfortable being honest with them.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 08:21 PM
4

lies: I thought they were restricted to little white lies. Seems that wasn’t the case. She didn’t cheat, I’m certain of that but there were many other lies. lack of financial discipline: figured it wasn’t a big deal as we make good money but… tied to lies and omissions… buying your sister a $2,000 purse for her birthday without even discussing it with your spouse is never ok. communication: she’s fluent in English but it wasn’t her first language. I thought some of the communication issues were …
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 08:13 PM
2

My sad confession is I do still wish we could reconcile. If it were to happen that resentment you reference would be a big mountain to climb. Reality is though, she’s not coming back. I’ve finally got myself to accept that. The next step is putting distance between us so I can heal. Once I’ve healed enough, I won’t want her anymore. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point. I’m still sad but for the first time since the divorce I actually feel like I’m going to be ok. Since her outburst on…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 12:38 AM
3

The irony is she claims to have moved on (has a boyfriend) and I’m the one that has struggled with that. I’ve tried to play nice and sacrificed my own emotional well being for almost 2 years… all in the hope she’d recognize her mistakes and come back. That was a waste of my energy and now I’m building myself a wall.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 12:12 AM
3

My ex texts and calls way too much. I’ve started answering the phone less and I sometimes take hours to respond to texts. I was watching the playoffs on Saturday and had the ringer off and phone face down. She got angry that I didn’t respond quickly enough and accused me of keeping the kids from her, etc. However, I have her number on emergency bypass so it will always ring (I do this so I can always be reached in an emergency) and our daughter also has a phone that my ex can contact her directl…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 12:01 AM
3

Been there! The worst thing she said to me… after the papers had been filed but before the divorce was final… “you fucked up! You lost your wife!” Truth is we both fucked up. That one still haunts me a bit though. Of course, we had a fight a bit over a week ago and she told me she hates me. That felt pretty good too. I’ve decided she is basically a stranger I coparent with. The thoughts and words of strangers don’t hurt me.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:30 PM
2

I hear you. I’m facing mine… it’s not pretty but at least I’m moving forward. Biggest challenge now is determining what is real vs hate she just slung at me in dark moments
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:21 PM
3

Totally agree with that. In my case, she asked for the divorce and I wanted to have control. I actually blamed myself for things that weren’t true just so I could have that illusion of control.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:16 PM
2

You have to do your best to get to a point that you can live with whatever the outcome is.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:09 PM
4

We both knew each others. Her’s is ‘acts of service’ and mine is ‘physical touch’. The irony… she did many great things for me and I touched her frequently (I don’t mean just sexually)… we would have been great partners if we were married to ourselves.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:03 PM
11

Stripper grabbed my dick (that was not out of my pants). Ex got pissed (o told her because we were open about everything). I don’t think it was cheating at all though.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 10:00 PM
3

My kids are similar ages. We went with a 2-2-3 schedule. Week1: Monday & Tuesday: parent1 Wednesday & Thursday: parent2 Friday-Sunday: parent1 Week2 it flips We get to see the kids frequently which is great. It does make planning trips without them more complicated and means the ex and I see each other more often. That was a plus that has become a minus. A bit of unsolicited advice… I live in the same community as my ex… literally a minute away by car. Thankfully, we don’t have to pass each othe…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 06:58 AM
5

I totally get how you feel. Seems like the facts of our divorces are different but our feelings are similar. You stated it better than I have been able to. My ex actually told me she hates me yesterday… first time for that. Despite that, I love her (maybe I’m a fool). Like you, she’s a part of me and probably always will be. I think the best thing you can do is admit your feelings, acknowledge that it may never make sense and then focus on you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 10:30 PM
3

You are spot on. I did go psychotic and much of what unfolded at the start of the week is 100% on me. I’m also not totally better yet. However, I can’t explain it with words but… it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done and thus I’m free.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 02:21 AM
4

Baseball, baseball, baseball.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/24 01:42 AM
7

In a way, you are lucky. My ex gave up on us too but I still love her and can’t bring myself to hate her. I wish I could, it’d make this much easier. If it’s any consolation… we went to pre-marital counseling and still ended up divorced 9 years later. Hang in there. This may be the best community on Reddit.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/24 10:21 PM
2

Love your thoughts. The kids and I have become very close. I feed off their energy constantly and I do my best to keep most of the hell I’m going through away from them. On the outside, I seem mostly ok. Funny you mention the letter. I wrote one on NYE. Not sending it. It did help. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 03:55 PM
2

I literally feel your pain. I slept like hell last night. Kept dreaming about the ex. In addition, my kids slept with me and that left me with little space and subsequent back pain. I woke up early and just moved around trying to get comfortable. In that moment, I looked at the kids and despite my pain and discomfort all I could feel was love and joy at having them. Then it flashed into my head… the image of their mom in another man’s bed. Not sex or anything… just the realization that as I laye…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 03:09 PM
2

This may sound crazy but every once in a while it’s like I have this moment where I re-realize that we divorced. I just can’t wrap my head around it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 04:36 AM
2

I actually have no idea what’s going yo happen with mine. We have shard custody of two great kids thus we are tethered together for another decade or so. It wouldn’t surprise me if she ended up marrying the new boyfriend and it also wouldn’t surprise me if she ended up as a single crazy cat lady. It would surprise me if she came back. Only time will tell.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 01:53 AM
4

As they say. Fake it until you make it. That’s my plan anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 01:38 AM
2

Agreed, not counting on it at all.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 01:32 AM
3

Sadly, the only direction available is forward.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 01:32 AM
1

Sounds like yours is ‘worse’ than mine. She hasn’t slandered me with others (that I know of), didn’t cheat, and has tried to coparent well. She does have a boyfriend now and the pain I feel is excruciating. My only gripes there are she had sex with me 2 weeks before going exclusive with him and when that happened she did say a lot of good things. Thus, having a boyfriend she now claims to love really hurts. Aside for that, all I am angry about is how quickly she ended the marriage… there was no …
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 12:43 AM
1

I dream of that day. I’m honestly not sure I’d take her back. I still live her but I don’t know if I could ever trust her with my heart again. I sound like a ‘chick’ writing that but it’s true.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 12:34 AM
12

This is going to sound horrible but this would be easier to handle had she died. It’d be tragic but our relationship would be frozen in the moment in time. No betrayal, no harsh words, no new boyfriend…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:41 PM
4

In some ways I hate myself for having more self-respect. I see her frequently and talk/text with her nearly every day. I’m not saying I’m innocent in the divorce but I don’t feel like she basically cracked. I keep hoping one day she’ll wake up and realize what a huge mistake she’s made. I might as well count on winning the lottery… probably similar odds.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 10:25 PM
5

That right there… stop trying to make sense of it. That’s the hamster wheel I’m stuck on. It really doesn’t make sense. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 09:59 PM
6

Same here. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone. Thanks for the sympathy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 09:51 PM
5

Yes, that is true and it’s also sad. Professional help has already been engaged… just walking the path now.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 09:50 PM
2

Yup, reality and feelings are not necessarily the same. The latest hurt is that it just passed midnight here and she didn’t wish me a happy new year. Probably silly to expect that she would have. Yet another data point of where I stand in her heart and mind.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 06:25 AM
3

I feel you. I’m sitting here experiencing my first ever NYE alone. Ex has the kids and uninvited me from the party (hurts but probably good). I’m working hard on just fixing me and moving on but it’s hard to not feel replaced.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 03:47 AM
3

lol that’s a relief! Thought I was going nuts! 😂😂
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 07:21 PM
3

Huh? 🤔
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 07:18 PM
2

That is the transition we are going through. Without going into details… we do therapy geared toward co-parenting. Yesterday, she was going on about how she cares about me, loved me ‘as the father of her children’, etc. I snapped… told her she betrayed me, doesn’t love or care about me and far more. I think that was a point where things are starting to change… the balance of power… her spell over me is fading and that means she’s not going to be getting her way going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 08:38 PM
2

She absolutely has a ton of resentment. I’ve tried talking with her about it but she insists that she has zero resentment. Total bullshit but I can’t control her. I actually got ‘yelled’ at because I told her I resent her for divorcing me without making any attempt to save it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 08:23 PM
3

Totally agree. I have enough ammo that I could destroy their relationship with her forever. However, doing that would hurt them too and they are already hurt by this divorce (and actions their mother has taken they aren’t aware of). I want to protect them so much that I was trying to prevent the ex from doing things I know will hurt them. The conclusion I came to is I can’t make her do anything… reconcile with me or not make mistakes with the kids. Thus, I’m letting go and she’s free to do whate…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 07:48 PM
6

That’s an outstanding point! Thank you. I’ll queue up that response for the next time this happens. And yeah… my eyes are opening… she is a real piece of work.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 07:44 PM
3

She didn’t cheat. Boyfriend didn’t come along until a year after the divorce. That said.. I’m going hands off. She can tell our daughter whatever she wants. Our daughter is smart and intuitive and she has already figured out most of the truth on her own. My relationship with her is solid so I have no concerns there. If I let ex do whatever she wants.. when this blows up (and it will)… it’s not on me. She’ll blame me, of course, but it won’t be because of me. I’m giving her the opportunity to dig…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 06:47 PM
3

Thank you. Your words ring true and they are very appreciated.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 11:38 PM
2

I’m divorced and work from home 100% of the time. Feel free to DM if the question is too delicate for public consumption.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 11:34 PM
7

I thought I was the only one that had thoughts like this… dying alone, etc. I’ve managed to get past that one with the dark realization that everyone dies alone. Where I’m stuck now is the burial. She and I had always planned on being buried next to each other. Now, pretty safe bet that’s not going to happen. Perhaps I’ll meet a new woman and fall in love, etc. maybe I won’t. It’s kinda silly… who gives a shit… it’s just your dead body in the ground. Your spirit (or whatever you may believe) has…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 09:58 PM
3

I have already snapped/gone nuts. Back in May (almost a year after the divorce) I knew she was with a guy… at his house. It was a bad night for me and there were events leading up to it that put me in an even more fragile mental state. Between 11pm and 3am I probably texted her 50 times and called maybe 20. I was demanding that she talk to me and she refused. I ended up telling her I was going to find her new ‘friend’ and kill him. At the moment, I fully meant it. Not one of my best moments. I’v…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 04:56 PM
3

This may sound crazy to say but I wish my ex was cheating. It’d make that switch so much easier to move. To those thinking so was… I’m positive she wasn’t. We both worked at home and she rarely, if ever went anywhere alone. My light switch is starting to move. It’s just a bit slow.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 04:37 PM
5

I experienced the same with respect to social media posts. She even threw me a big weekend one surprise party for my birthday just 3 months before she bailed on me and our family. I’m happy that you have been able to escape the emotional hell this represents. Keep going! Also - that part about suicide… I’ve considered it a lot and that gives me a new perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 04:09 PM
2

More innocent, indeed. At this point I may settle for just coming out of this with some level of sanity.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 03:47 AM
1

Sounds like we have walked on some of the same roads. You mention closure… at one point I asked her to go to therapy with me geared toward reconciliation. I told her if we couldn’t fix things that I’d at least have closure. I begged her to at least give me that and she wouldn’t. This is not the woman I feel in love with. I feel like my life is at a standstill. I work but not with the same intensity as before. I’ve dated but have found the entire experience, even the casual sex, totally disappoin…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 03:17 AM
1

I have trouble imagining her being meaningless but I get your point. Appreciate the PM offer.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 01:15 AM
2

Appreciate your words. All seems spot on.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 01:14 AM
3

I wish I didn’t live my kids. I’d love to sell my house and shit and relocate far far away and never see or hear from her again. Sadly. I do love the kids so I’ll have to play the hard level.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 11:56 PM
1

Yeah, it’s probably the hardest pill to swallow in this entire saga… it’s becoming quite clear that she doesn’t care about me. I was reading Facebook posts from back when we got engaged and were first married. It’s hard to read what she wrote back then… the love and appreciation she expressed for me… and see where we are today. I would have given my life for her back then and I still would. Meanwhile, I don’t think she’d give as much as a fingernail for me now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 11:50 PM
1

That fits.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 11:46 PM
3

Yeah… that’s an idea I’ve been mulling over for a couple of weeks… why would I want to be with someone that would do that to me and our family? I only have one answer… I honestly think she experienced some type of mental break when her dad died. I love her with every once of my being and I believe this is what you do for someone you love. To give them care and understanding. That’s what she should have done for me but she didn’t. Thus, the question becomes… when is enough, enough? I think I’m at…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 11:45 PM
2

Really sorry to hear she was seeing someone else while trying to reconcile. If that was the case for me it’d either push me over the edge or snap me out of this. I’m in this weird zone where she’s hurting me nearly constantly but not so much so that I can label her evil. I wish I thought she was evil… sadly, I just think her head is really really messed up. Maybe my body is trying to tell me something.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 10:07 PM
1

Solid points. Thank you. I just need to find the energy to move forward. It’s a bit of a tangent but a question for you (and anyone else)… frequently when I wake it the morning I dry heave. Sometimes, when I’ve been with her, I come home and barf (this happened last night). Have you experienced anything like that?
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 09:30 PM
3

I’ve considered that. Thing is… the gun is just a tool. I could have sat there with a bottle of pills or a razor blade or jumped into my car with the intention to drive into something. I appreciate your advice though.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 09:27 PM
2

This community makes me feel so not alone and I appreciate it. I really wish I was the only one going through this. No one needs this pain and it’s a shame it’s happening to all of us. I’m working on minimizing it as well. The kids had expectations and I didn’t want to disappoint them. I just need to work on extracting myself without appear hostile or spiteful
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 08:32 PM
1

Agreed. I have had out of body experiences reading some of the posts here. Found myself wondering if I got drunk and made an account and forgot it all.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 07:23 PM
3

Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll get there…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 07:17 PM
3

I wonder if we could turn AI loose on this group and let it come up with a definitive and complete explanation for the woman that we have experienced… lol
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 07:05 PM
3

Your analysis is correct. I do feel like if I just keep sucking up the pain that I’ll eventually win. I guess life has trained me that way. It’s always worked… until now. I think going forward there are going to be very few, if any, shared outings. Frankly, I doubt anything is going to get her attention. She’s a very strong personality and it’s one of the things I love about her. It’s just not working for me in this context. One thing I noted to her in one of the many conversations we had where …
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 06:57 PM
5

Agreed on not making any permanent decisions. I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to feel this anymore. I feel like I’m descending through multiple layers of Hell. The advice I’ve gotten and the research I’ve done are consistent. If I want her back I’m supposed to distance myself, focus on making myself better in every way, etc. I understand the rational and I have no logical arguments against it. That is where I stuck though. It feels wrong to step away from her. In my wiring I’m set to figh…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 06:50 PM
2

Thank you for your kind and empathetic response. I do see the value in the children and the value I add to their lives. My dad died when I was 10. I know exactly what it’s like to grow up and face life without a father. It’s this reason alone that I haven’t ended things. I’m afraid I’m going to run out of endurance though. I’m not sure what the final event could be. My therapist has advised me to pre-game these potential events in my head so if/when they happen I won’t be Caio guard. Of course, …
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 06:43 PM
2

I made the same mistake… reading text messages. We were already divorced but I found myself alone with her phone and I couldn’t resist. I deeply regret it. Not just because I read things I can’t unsee (not just sexual) but also because I violated her trust. I never would have done that before… divorce does not bring out the best in people.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 03:34 AM
1

Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 09:40 PM
1

Oh, brother, same here! It’s literally happened multiple times kids are dicks? it’s my fault. Bad day? My fault. On and on.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 09:26 PM
8

I’ve been trying to maintain a friendship with my ex for going on 2 years. Some days we are really tight. Watch tv together, go out to eat, etc. other days it’s like she hates me. I’ve really been struggling with our friendship for the last couple of months as she has a boyfriend that she says she’s in love with now. The problem is, I’m in love with her and her being in love with someone else, spending time with them, having sex, having sleepovers…. There aren’t words invented that can express t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 09:24 PM
14

I wouldn’t worry about that. If they are judging, it’s their issue. Hell, some may be jealous that you get to be alone.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 01:09 AM
1

Nah, that part I’m sure of. It’s just about the only thing I am sure of.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 11:00 PM
1

Sounds like a lot of us got a raw deal.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 10:59 PM
1

I’m so sorry you haven’t seen your boys in so long. I have a lot of talks with God. If it wasn’t for him… not sure I’d have even made it this far.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 09:09 PM
1

She claims I left her with no choice and that she gave me multiple chances. Aside from being a bit emotionally detached and a bit gruff at times… I did nothing wrong. I also wasn’t aware I was being given chances. She has said that it wasn’t her responsibility to tell me I was getting chances but that just seems totally insane. She’s also stated it wasn’t her job to continue trying to communicate her unhappiness to me. Also seems insane. We were going to marriage counseling and I thought it was …
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 08:48 PM
2

This is so spot on. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 08:44 PM
1

I feel you and am living exactly what you describe. Hang in there…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 07:36 PM
1

I’ve made my mistakes but I’m actually a good man and very worthy. I have a great job, high income, a great sense of humor, I’m not bad looking, etc. She became totally ungrounded and I think she has taken me with her. I have moments of sanity now but it feels like I’m just crazy in most moments.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 07:21 PM
2

Light switch is a good term for it. If I live another 500 years I don’t think I’ll ever really understand what happened here. You are right, she has rewritten history and doesn’t think she did anything wrong. I bet she could even pass a lie detector
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 07:19 PM
4

I wish I could argue with that but I think you are right. It’s been a bizarre 1.5 years. Part of the time she seems to love me. Part of the time she seems to hate me. There are a lot of things she’s done that are just disrespectful. I’m sure she wasn’t in a hurry to get sex from someone else. When she did though… she sure did commit herself to the task. I know it doesn’t matter but I really didn’t deserve this and neither did our kids. I still believe the ‘good’ version of her is in her somewher…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 06:08 AM
2

Fair argument. I guess I’m just saying relative to the things I’m listing… it’s like meh. I’m trying to be empathetic and give her space to make a mistake. Our divorce was lightning fast and she wouldn’t do anything to slow it. The divorce was wrong and breaking the family up was wrong. However, she had problems in her life (death of father) and I figured this was some twisted mid-life crisis. She didn’t cheat so if all it took to wake her up was casual sex then… whatever. Sadly, that doesn’t se…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:56 AM
1

She’s been with several… we made the mistake of sharing too much about our sex lives earlier. This may sound crazy but in the big picture… I don’t care about the sex. That said, it’s like an acid dagger to the heart that she loves someone else and that my family isn’t intact. Sorry to hear you are on this ride too.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:30 AM
1

I’m not in the right head space at all. I’ve considered suicide but I can’t and won’t do that to my kids. I’ve considered killing her boyfriend but it’s not his fault (there was no affair) and that wouldn’t bring her back to me anyway. Seems the only shot I have is gluing my shit together and working on me. She’ll come back or she won’t. It’s highly debatable that I should even want her.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:39 AM
1

Mine isn’t skinny. I’m cool with that… I like em’ thicc.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:37 AM
-4

You are right and wrong. I’m here for the kids and because I love her. I don’t want to be around her boyfriend. I don’t even want to hear his name. Self respect… yeah… that seems to have gone out the window a while ago. I know my story probably isn’t unique. That said, everything was awesome and then suddenly it wasn’t. I made a few mistakes but none of the typical divorce mistakes… no cheating or abuse or addictions. We had something… I’m probably a fool but I think we still do.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:36 AM
0

Sounds like a similar situation in some ways. I guess it’s good and bad she didn’t have an affair. Good because… that’d be horrible. Bad because had she done it I might be having an easier time letting go. Her behavior with the kids has changed since she divorced me. Actually lied to me and claimed she had a work event on the daughter’s birthday earlier this year. I later learned the truth is she picked her fwb at the airport and went to his place and… yeah. When I call her on anything kid relat…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 12:38 AM
2

I’ve dated a few women. I was having a casual relationship with the last one. I broke it off with her the first week of August… right after the ex and I had sex. The reason I broke it off was because I realized my ex is all I want. She admitted she loves me, that we click, that I am the only man she’s ever really loved (she’s 44), that we have crazy good sex and passion. Then 2 weeks later she turned the guy she was dating into an official boyfriend. About a month later she told me she’s in love…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 11:51 PM
2

I appreciate your thoughts. Sadly, I don’t disagree about her wanting me. There have been numerous mixed signals including having sex with me after she started dating the boyfriend but before they were exclusive (that happened 2 weeks later… ouch). The kids have no idea I’m experiencing internal trauma. I’m good at hiding it and I’m interacting with them as if it’s just another day. All that said, your advice is reasonable and this may be our last holiday as a ‘family’
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 11:47 PM
4

Yes, not doing holidays together seems to be the clear answer. I’m holding on for me and the kids. Getting to the point that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 11:42 PM
0

Nope, hasn’t always been a narcissist. However, when she snapped (due to father’s death) she got this ‘I have to put myself first’ mantra stuck in her head. I am concerned that she isn’t putting the kids first. She claims the kids always come first and gets beyond angry if I say anything to contradict that. I’d be willing to take the hit to my feelings and ego if I could protect the kids. The divorce agreement doesn’t allow me to do anything so it’s on her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 11:40 PM
2

Really sorry to hear this is happening to you. I went through a period of drinking. If it’s legal where you (or not and you can get it)… I suggest edibles. I’ve used those to numb me in rough moments and it doesn’t come with the volatility of booze. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 06:35 PM
1

Legally? I don’t think it matters. I suppose you could argue you that you are the primary care giver if you want to take full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 03:09 AM
3

Sounds like a horrible arrangement. Of course, depends on the age of the kids. If they are old enough to be left home alone… of course, if you are being discreet about your dating life it’s still a problem. I have a 6 & 9 year old. The custody schedule we use is called a 2 2 3. Week 1: I have them Monday & Tuesday, she has them Wednesday & Thursday and then I have them Friday- Sunday. Week 2 it just flips. Works out to 50% of the time over 2 weeks and it allows the kids to see both parents with …
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 01:53 AM
7

My ex and I had very similar income and it wasn’t small. Since we’ve divorced she has had money problems. It’s related to three things. First, even though she works as an accounting and finance consultant, she isn’t good about maintaining a budget in her own life. It was further exacerbated by her needing surgery in July and her insurance was a high deductible plan. Finally, she took a promotion that actually turned into a roughly $30k pay cut (she was paid hourly and this is salary with a heavy…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 12:54 AM
30

Speaking from the point of view of a guy that often bites the hook… There is a hook being dangled in front of you. Don’t bite it. There is nothing to be gained here. I’m currently coming to terms with the fact that I can’t make my ex do anything… not even for the kids. None of us can. Let her do her and she will have to face the consequences. Just be there for your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/23 07:11 PM
2

I’m on my second divorce now and will be with the ex and kids (that’s a whole other story). However, this same situation happened after my first divorce. I made some really tasty baby back ribs and spent the entire day watching movies. I avoided talking to anyone and just focused on my peaceful bubble. It’s strange to say but I wish it was that easy now.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 09:04 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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