I’ve posted here a couple times recently and I’ve found you all helpful. I just need to get what’s in my head out today.

Selfies… one thing about my ex was when we were friends, post divorce, she’d frequently send me selfies. No nudes or anything… just her beautiful face. As soon as she got a boyfriend that stopped. I feel used… like she was just sending me selfies to get me to validate her.

Despite not being friends any longer (and tangent, I realized I don’t want to be her friend, I want to be her husband. Fuck this participantion trophy bullshit) we still frequently see each other and spend time together with the kids.

We were together on Christmas Day. She got me gifts from the kids but not anything from her. I got her stuff from the kids and me. Everything was going great until her sister called. Her sister divorced the year before us but has recently reconciled with her ex. Said ex proposed on Christmas Day. My ex was going crazy with happiness, screaming, going on about the ring, etc. It was more than I could take… exactly what I want was taking place but for someone else and ex was so happy about it. It was like I could feel the knife being used on my guts. I decided to just get up and go sit on the patio. I could still hear it though. I tried breathing, I tried closing my eyes and going somewhere else in my mind. I failed. My standard instinct is to fight but this was so overwhelming that flight took hold. I went back inside, put on my shoes and went home (I live about one minute away). She’s immediately calling and texting and I’m just ignoring it. I went and sat on my bed and pulled out my gun. Not the first time I’ve done that but, for the first time, it went further. I chambered a round, ejected the magazine (so the gun wouldn’t be loaded when I was found), and put it to my head. I stayed that way just trying to both convince myself to pull the trigger and at the same time convince myself not to pull the trigger. I decided to put the gun down and check my phone. Ex said the kids were crying and it snapped me out of it. I went back, apologized to the kids and spent time with them. I argued with the ex in text throughout the day. It sucked. Sometime during the day I got a facebook notification about a memory. It was from our first married Christmas and it was a post she made about what a wonderful husband I was and how much she loved me. Just a little bit of acid in the wound…

The day after Christmas (yesterday) we had plans to take the kids to the movies. We get in her car and she’s getting set up to go and her infotainment screen popped up her favorited contacts. Her sister and boyfriend. Logical, of course. I just sat there staring at it. I wasn’t on the list anymore (I was until him). It was like another knife. She realized it was up and changed it. I didn’t say anything, I just looked out the window and tried not to cry.

She told our daughter about the boyfriend on December 23rd. Since then the daughter has made references to her mom being on the phone with him at night. Again, not surprising but it hurts.

I keep having this repeating vision. Her sister is going to get married some time this year. Of course, she’ll go and she’ll take the kids. Will she take the boyfriend? Will he be at a wedding with her and my kids? Traveling with them? Staying in a hotel room with them? I know some of you may say something like this is the new reality, get over it, etc. You aren’t wrong but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel replaced.

Ex and I moved halfway across the country (California to Texas) in 2016. When we did, we left all of our friends behind. I made a couple of friends here but not many. I was too focused on my family. I feel too old (almost 52) to go out and find friends. I still call and text with my old friends frequently but I’m still mostly here alone. To make matters worse… most of my family died many years ago (add that to the list of my mental issues). I have a sister I talk to frequently but she’s not near me either. Ex’s family became my family… I lost that too. I’m alone, old, and emotionally destroyed. My ex was my best friend… she was my entire world (yeah, that was a mistake).

A friend pointed out that I’ve overcome so much in my life and that by most measures my life is better than many people. He’s not wrong. I’d give everything up though.. just to have my family back together.

I had a dream about my ex last night. she was touching my face in a kind and loving way.

I feel like she doesn’t appreciate me. Yesterday, her custody day, she asked to leave the kids with me for a couple of hours so she could go to an appointment (with a nutritionist). I love having the kids so I agreed. Today is the day we switch custody. According to the divorce agreement, it should be at 5 pm. She asked to drop them with me at 9am because she has meetings to go to. Again, I agreed because I like having the kids around. This Saturday, she has asked if I can keep our son for a couple hours so she can go somewhere with our daughter and, of course, I agreed. Despite all of this I’m still officially uninvited from the kid friendly NYE party (due to the argument Christmas Day). It’s probably for the better that I don’t go. In another post here recently I mentioned that I ‘loaned’ her $4k. She hasn’t put any priority on paying that back and has taken two trips since the loan was provided. She has a trip to Vegas planned at the end of January and I learned the other day that she’s planning another trip to Vegas in May. No appreciation.

I’m just spewing random shit from my mind right now. I’m going to stop. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Final note: I’m on psych meds, have a psychiatrist and also a therapist that I talk with frequently. I am working on my mental health… I’m obviously struggling though.