I woke up today feeling hungover despite not having drank last night. No doubt it’s related to the emotional turmoil from yesterday.
I won’t go into my long story here. Read my previous posts if you are curious. Short summary is divorced about 1.5 years. Have had trouble moving on from the ex for various reasons. I’m now realizing she used me for sex, comfort, and a backup plan until she found someone to be in a new relationship with. I have dealt with that well.
Post divorce we both bought houses in the same neighborhood in order to be close to the kids and easily available for coparenting support and emergencies. That worked great until she got the boyfriend. Now, as far as I can tell, when she doesn’t have the kids she frequently spends the night at his house (did I mention I’m not dealing with that well?). As of Tuesday night this week I’ve now contacted her 4 times in the evening/night for coparenting support and she has refused each and every time. It’s not that I can’t handle situations but when your kid is asking for mommy… you try to provide that.
This week I called her on not being there for her kids. She ended up coming to my house that day to “care for her baby”. I don’t know exactly what happened as I was out of the room but when I returned my daughter (age 10) and ex were arguing. I guess the daughter told her mom she doesn’t like that she works all the time (at night when she has the kids) and doesn’t like being around her boyfriend. The ex exploded… screamed at our daughter to the point she fled to me and basically hid behind me. She accused me of “poisoning the well” and “turning the kids against her”. To state it again… I’m not doing that. I think it’s really important for the kids to have good relationships with both parents and so I wouldn’t that. She’s super paranoid about it and has been bringing it up for months though. During her verbal assault of me and our daughter she told me that she hated me, that I’m a horrible human being, and that I’m going to be alone forever because I’m a horrible human being. I know all those things are false (with her hating me being debatable) but it still hurt. Eventually she left in tears.
A stream of text messages followed mostly telling me that she’s disgusted by me, she’ll never forgive me (I told her to add it to the list), she doesn’t want to see or hear from me anymore unless it is about the kids, etc.
My friends, family , and therapist have all basically expressed that I’m crazy for wanting to be back with her. Logically, I totally agree with them. Emotionally… I’ve been stuck. Yesterday was really horrible for me and my daughter. Unfortunately, I still love my ex and I probably always will. You don’t have to like people you love though and I’ve certainly moved to that point. It’s sad this happened but it’s changed my emotions… I’m out of energy to keep living in this purgatory and I’m not doing it anymore. I’ll be a good coparent but I’m done doing anything extra… I’m done being super friendly and playful. It’s just business now.
Not really seeking advice. Just wanted to share/rant.
