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urz8080 Archive

View 6 posts and 73 comments by urz8080 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Yes I do! One kid who seems to be adjusting alright.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/22 02:24 AM
1

I was married a little over 10 year and a high wage earner, settled for 6 years of alimony. Over 10 years of marriage and all bets are off in NJ but fight to stay about half of married years.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/22 01:36 AM
3

Something I realized is that these lawyers have way too many clients. They are damn expensive but that does not automatically translate to better attention span or attention to detail. I stayed on top of everything. I told myself this is the most important project of my life so I better make sure I am totally engaged - reading everything twice, questioning, confirming appointments, etc. Once the lawyer sees you are engaged they up their game too. Not saying this will work every time. Just sharin…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/22 07:53 PM
3

never easy but it will get infinitely better especially given you don’t have kids with her! Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/22 05:54 PM
1

If you have to say this in front of a court and a judge, please make sure you are explicit and tell him/her that you love both parents and need both of them. This way they don’t cut one off based on any one parent’s emotional outburst. Also agree with the comments above, minimize impact on your current patterns and life and please start taking care of yourself too. Start doing regular exercise and please consider therapy for yourself. Sorry this is happening but it will work out for the better f…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 02:02 PM
5

Hey its pretty common in India and Indian culture (especially if she is first generation) but don’t do anything you are not comfortable with. Period. You will just end up resenting the situation and it will affect your relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 09:39 PM
4

this was so frustrating to understand. So many laws and rules around how to determine child support but literally zero rules and guidelines on making sure its used properly.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 11:46 AM
5

great advice!
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/22 11:28 AM
2

I read this after we separated and it was eye opening at several levels. Recognized patterns with my ex. Also made me think hard about the possibility of my ex alienating the kid from me down the line. Something I am going to watch out for and have (partly) addressed in my parenting plan.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/22 01:02 PM
8

This will be very appreciated. I have a couple of friends that check in on me every now and then it means a lot. This is also the time when a man finds out about all the “fair weather” friends.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 02:35 AM
1

thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 03:47 PM
2

damn that sucks! I am yet to get to the RSU part but something to watch out for. Appreciate the comment and validation that this is in line with what is happening in NJ.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 03:47 PM
1

I think you are allowed to file ‘married filing jointly’ until the FY your divorce is finalized. Run both scenarios and file accordingly. Usually married filing separately will increase your tax burden but run both scenarios with with help of an accountant and then decide. As long as she agrees to filing together lawyers won’t have a problem.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 11:20 PM
1

Thank you! this is very helpful. Pretty much what I heard from my lawyer too.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 12:43 PM
2

thank you! makes a lot of sense.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 12:36 PM
2

yes it does. It is basically the difference in gross salaries (with a cap on mine only). So the % remains the same but the payout could vary based on income. I do need to get clarity on what happens if either of us get unemployed. Good point.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 12:32 PM
2

Yes, that is the sense I get too. Just want to avoid trial and letting a judge decide. Mediation, as bumpy as it has been, is still my best bet.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 11:42 AM
1

thank you for sharing. Looks like the “rule of thumb” is very state specific. I wish NJ had something based on net income as taxes make a big difference. But that would mean more time in mediation. Seems to me that lawyers and mediators get comfortable in one approach and stick to it. I wish you all the best!
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 11:38 AM
3

Thanks! 1/3rd of the difference in gross pay was the norm before the tax change that resulted in alimony not being a deductible from income for tax purposes. Since then the norm is between 20 to 25% of the difference in gross pay (in NJ) to account for the payee’s higher tax burden. Subjective to each case especially if over 10 years of marriage but that is my understanding as of now.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 02:22 AM
2

can you share more?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 12:30 AM
3

thank you! good to keep perspective even when it feels unfair.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/22 12:30 AM
1

yes agree. regular monthly alimony based on base pay. And an annual bonus payout based on the actual bonus I got (with a max cap).
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 11:59 PM
3

yes! but that is a separate calculation
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 11:58 PM
2

Thank you! its a lesson I have learnt the hard way. Now just trying to move on as quickly as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 11:20 PM
2

thank you so much! this is very helpful. I will looking into all of this and discuss with my lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:56 PM
2

agree, and I appreciate it. I just need some perspective and a frame of reference. that’s all!
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:46 PM
3

thanks, I will consider that.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:36 PM
3

yes! finding it out the hard way. But ready to move on as long as the agreement is reasonable and I have a future to look forward to.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:32 PM
1

Seems pretty normal given bonus is a significant component of my income. See below from a NJ law blog post. Will be hard to exclude bonus I think. “When it comes to determining how much one should pay in alimony, the court will carefully examine both parties’ income. But what exactly is “income?” As the Superior Court of New Jersey’s Appellate Division in Somerset County recently noted in the case of T.J. v. M.J., income definitely includes bonuses and deferred compensation. For a lot of folks, …
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:30 PM
2

have a 5 year old. so child support on top of this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:28 PM
2

thank you mate!
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:20 PM
2

We are still mediating and I am hoping to avoid trial. This process has been exhausting. Weighing the cost of fighting vs trying to settle quickly without completely giving in.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:12 PM
5

exactly, there are no rules beyond 10 years. Judges can decide whatever. Hoping we settle at 6 as we are still mediating. Anything more and I probably will be prepared to fight longer. Goal is to settle and move on quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 10:05 PM
2

thank you so much! Is 6 years fair given it was a 10 year marriage and the difference in income?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 09:42 PM
2

my understanding is that its based off the difference in gross total income. but my gross is salary plus variable bonus. If they based it off the total now and I don’t get a bonus or a small bonus any given year I am screwed. Hence the agreement to say 22.5% off base (paid monthly) and 22.5% off bonus (paid annually). Makes sense?
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 09:33 PM
3

I just wished there were as many lawyers and laws involved before we naively say “I do”!!
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 09:20 PM
2

Sorry I just updated the post. Its 22.5% of the difference in annual base salary (plus 22.5% of the bonus)
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 08:57 PM
5

thanks! just want to see if there is someone with similar situation and if this is close to being reasonable or not. everyone is going to be different agree, just want a perspective based on people’s experience, that’s all.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 08:47 PM
1

gross
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/22 08:43 PM
2

As a “woke” man I am happy for you. Politics aside this would not have worked out for you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/22 05:41 PM
2

Thanks! haven’t done that but started a little bit of strength training recently and that has helped me a lot. Feel younger (and a little sore) most days 😀
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 09:58 PM
2

this is awesome! I am trying to do something very similar. what do you mean “get on testosterone”? can you be specific?
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/22 09:51 PM
1

That was fucked up. Sorry you had to go through that. Glad it was a much better day this year!
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/22 12:49 PM
2

😂
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/22 11:23 PM
1

sorry about what you are going through! it will get better for you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/22 04:33 PM
2

Happy birthday!! you deserved that!!
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/22 02:36 AM
10

agree with this!! get out now. You are in an excellent position. consider this a life lesson and check out now. Some folks are not meant to be together. Period.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/22 11:45 PM
1

thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 08:04 PM
1

Thanks! I have a lawyer and she does take a lot of that income for now :) But I want to understand what the rule of thumb is as well as what other folks have experienced.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 06:40 PM
1

Thank you, this is great info!
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 06:05 PM
1

Thank you this is really helpful!
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 06:05 PM
1

Thank you! Yes this can become a nightmare. I will definitely include this!
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/21 08:49 PM
1

Ratio of parenting time. Did you mean overnights or waking hours? I am looking for my son to be with my ex Sunday to Thus night and with me Friday and Sat nights. This gives him stability during school nights and me the flexibility due to work travel. Overnights look skewed in her favor but given she only has limited time to spend time with him on school nights and her work, its a more even ratio in terms of waking hours.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/21 05:26 PM
2

Very good point! Thank you! I am not prepared to cave in on this one. This is the most crucial of all issues. The blog post is great.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/21 12:19 PM
1

thank you! this is a great list!!
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/21 12:17 PM
1

Thank you! How do you really track that? They send a monthly invoice and I have gone through the line items. Seems legit based on rates. What else can I do?
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/21 01:07 PM
1

Thank you! Yeah I have been working on it on and off. Looking to wrap up in a week and send it over to the lawyer. I suspect I will see something similar from my STBXW.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/21 03:59 AM
2

True, I did not think of that. My point being spend a lot of time together before deciding she is the one.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/21 12:49 AM
1

This is my two cents. I was naive when I got married. The first few months were great. But I never really lived in with her for an extended period of time before I got married (cultural reasons). So no you are not overthinking this. Marriage is a huge commitment and risk. If you ever want to do it, live under the same roof for over 3 years and if she still is the sunshine in your life (and not just superficially!) she maybe the one. Along the way you assess her for financial, emotional, sexual, …
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/21 11:21 PM
19

Reach out to him and be there as a friend. He will appreciate it more than you realize! Divorce can be extremely lonely. As for dating, I am not sure if there is a template/good time. Everyone is different. Check how he is doing and if he seems to be doing okay emotionally, ask him out!
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/21 01:57 AM
1

thank you! this is super helpful. Yes I don’t want the paralegal to actually do it. Just need a quick chat to see if she can clarify a few line items. If she isn’t super detailed I will do my best and be done with it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:57 PM
1

Yup, will definitely help with Cash Value calculations. But STBXW will think its a rip off and want $600 (e.g) x the duration of the alimony all in lump sum! That’s the hard part, explaining and making an emotional (often irrational) ex understand that you are being fair.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 12:40 PM
2

Thank you, that helps! I will prepare a list of questions for the paralegal. Hopefully she will provide enough clarity and then I can decide if I really need one. I am not sure if there will be a fight but I want to be well prepared.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 02:40 AM
3

Sorry this is happening. I am going through a divorce myself. My mindset around financials is I am going to do the best to protect my interest during this process. Make sure I am liable for only what I absolutely legally need to be liable for. If post divorce there is a need to be any more accommodating, for the sake of my kid or my own sanity, I will consider it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 09:01 PM
1

I did the same
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 01:04 AM
2

I agree, my boy was 3 when we separated. I was a wreck thinking about the impact on him. 18 months on he is growing up just fine. All the fun, pranks and occasional tantrums of a 5 year old. I picked him up today and he was singing along to Under Pressure / I want to Break Free / Bohemian Rhapsody. Big Queen fan and he is only 5. I had a big smile all the way back! Kids are resilient! They adapt. Just need to be the best role models we can be.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 03:02 AM
2

I have to keep reminding myself this through this process. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 12:00 AM
2

Fair point. I don’t even think she knows what a 529 is right now.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 06:05 PM
2

Yes, thank you! Made a note of this!
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 11:43 AM
2

This is great!! I have been saving in a 529 since he was born with zero contribution from her. Zero! Excellent point, she will use anything to hurt me down the line so this is great. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 11:42 AM
3

thanks! Love the Russian drivers :) I get the point about being fed at the time of pickup! Its happened to me already. The kid was in a foul mood by the time he was in my car - Hangry! Don’t think she meant to do it but it ruined what is usually a special moment of joy every week for my son and me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 11:32 AM
3

thank you thefundmaster and the paralegal! great point!
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 11:32 AM
2

I am starting my divorce process this week but have been separated for around 18 months. Agree with everything you say. My 5 year old boy is doing just fine. I have him Fridays and Saturdays and we have a good, healthy and fun relationship now (something that she would try and control when we were together!). I can be the Dad that my Dad was to me. God bless his soul!
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/21 01:22 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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