I last saw "John" when he was about ten years old. I married his mom when I got her pregnant (I know, I know), divorced when he was two. Both of my parents were dead by the time he was three, I was 23.

My mom was a suicide when I was a teen, my dad dead of a heart attack in his early forties. My depression and anxiety would go undiagnosed until my early forties. In the meantime,I was trying to kill myself with alcohol.

When she told me she was pregnant, I asked her if she was going to get an abortion. I know she has told him this. Needless to say, my performance as a father was near total failure.

The ex told me to stop trying to see him when he was about ten. I paid up my child support obligation just about the time he turned 18. I had written him a letter a couple of years earlier, which was returned, I think it exists in a box somewhere in the house after two moves.

My ex was/is a vindictive woman who was/is quite capable of lying to me and herself. A rather good example of the woman scorned. She would tell me (when we still spoke) that she never bad-mouthed me to the boy, and then he would come over for the weekend and tell me all the shit she had said about me.

I post this just to see if anyone has gone through a similar situation, and just to solicit advice from kindred souls. I'm in my late fifties, health is moderately good, but the men on both sides of my family are not known for longevity. I recognize that if he has not contacted me by now, all bridges (if they ever existed) may be down.

I've not talked to anyone about this, and my child from my second marriage does not even know of the first marriage.

All of my actions (and inaction) were deliberate, I seek no pity.