(Please don't get confused by me writing in past tense, most of this stuff still applies today. English is my 2nd language and I'm just used to it this way.)

If you read the other post on my account you can see I've never really had a good dominant father figure, so instead I spent most of my life running around in the shadows of school Chads, never making a name for myself. I knew how to make myself useful for them and in exchange they'd spare me the bullying, with the occasional getting put in my place when I acted up. Even though I've always had amazing potential in life and excellent grades all throughout school, my self esteem essentially depended only on getting the approval of these 5-6 assholes. Even more frustrating, they never actually worked on themselves and only fucked around, but in the end I'd always be the one sorting out their problems. I was the universal go-to NiceGuy™ for everything. I was better at literally everything but sports, and yet always ended up getting used (but I would always rationalize it for myself, to calm the anger). Honestly, seems like I developed an inferiority complex.

Feels horrible describing myself like a 4 year old but it's true, I gotta get this shit out of me.

Anyways, things changed when I found TRP. For 8 months I've been lifting hard, fixing my posture, acne and teeth, replacing shitty habits with useful ones like getting up early, meditation and reading. I do all of the good shit and have never looked this good in my life, so by all accounts I should be out there gaming girls and not writing this shitty post.

My problem is that I turn into that same old agreeable, easily manipulated scrawny beta bitch the moment I step foot outside my house and into society. My mindset does a complete 180 degree turn, and nails self interest to the last fucking spot. Instead of being proud of what I achieved in monk mode, I willingly let people shit on me and verbally proclaim that "I don't really feel as buff and dangerous as you all treat me haha!". Literally said that yesterday. It's like I feel a subconscious desire to destroy my own frame and be dominated. I don't understand why this happens or if it's really such a big problem or I'm making shit up, but it's become a HUGE obstacle in my life and I would hate to become depressed again.

If anyone could give some clarification I'd be very VERY thankful.