TL;DR: My girlfriend has full legal and physical custody of her kids (4 and 6), her ex filed the paperwork to release his rights. I'd like to adopt her kids (second-parent adoption) and I'm looking to hear some thoughts on the both the legal/ethical/social process of this.

Background: L- my current girlfriend. D - my current boyfriend. J - L's ex, also D's brother.

I've known L, D, and J for about six years, since before the littlest kid was born, back when L and J were still together. They've never been married. I used to be a junkie, J and I hung around together. We were both in prison together for a brief period. Different charges, we just ended up overlapping our time together. I got out, got my shit cleaned up. J didn't, his charges are much more serious, and as of the last time I saw him (I visited him inside) had no desire to be clean. The earliest he's up for parole (due to behavior) is about 10 years from now.

L got to a point where she needed a change, I started dating D, and both of us were also looking for a change. At some point, L and J filed paperwork that L would have full legal/physical custody of the kids. I wasn't dating her at that point, and it wasn't anything to do with me, at the time, so I'm unsure of the details. They didn't go through a judge, worked it out between them. J is a decent guy on the occasions that I've seen him clean, but otherwise has a nasty temper and is- a junkie. I empathize, I've been there. It sucks a lot, and when I was using, I would have been an unfit parent as well. Abso-friggin-lutely.

When J was in prison, and I was out of the picture, L and D raised the kids. L is a solid chick, D is a solid dude. (I'm crazy about them both :} ) L, D and I moved across the country about two years ago, and bought a house together and have been living as a family. Everybody shares responsibilities with house/kids/family pretty equally (our house contributions are scaled according to how much everyone makes/what resources they use the most. L like long showers and uses twice as much water- so she pays for that. I like high speed internet, so I pay for that and so on)

At this point, if something were to happen to L and J, D is already next of kin, plus he's been in the kids' lives since day 1. Our family is already a family. The reasons I have for wanting to adopt the kids are:

  • I have pretty awesome insurance, with a union job. I definitely have the best coverage of anyone in the house, and it would make any medical bills with the kids much cheaper.
  • If there's an issue where I would need to get the kids from school, or at the doctor's, or an emergency, right now I'm in kind of an SOL position. I'm not related by blood or by legality, which means legally, the school can't release them with me.
  • Not that it will come up in the near future, but when it comes to social security/inheritance, I'd rather neither kid got taxed out the yang for anything I left them. (Waaaay in the future, but it doesn't hurt to have a plan.)
  • Family-wise, regardless of what happens with L and D, I'm invested in the well-being of both kids. Legal documentation to back that would mean a lot to me.

Thoughts? Or- am I nuts? (Which is totally possible.) And if this is the wrong subreddit for this, my apologies, but this is a complicated kind of issue, and y'all seem to have a generally good grasp on how very-fucking-important the roles of men are in kids' lives.