Names have been changed. The girl in question is going to be D, Mr. R is the lovely new specimen of man she has managed to acquire.

So this is my exchange this morning with a Mr. R... R something. Who happens to end all of his texts with the signature "California Grown". I guess he is either implying he smokes a lot of pot or... was grown in California. I guess thats the "joke", I just for the life of me can't imagine him being a stand up guy. I read California grown and start thinking GrandTheftAuto, 100's of empty bags of Cheeto's in his moms hazy basement which he occasionally brings his kid to on weekends? I wouldn't be surprised knowing that this, "man" we'll call him has a child somewhere considering he is 30 years old and currently, sleeping/slept/banging my old friend/fuck buddy who might I mention is currently 19.

Preface: I have left grammar completely in tact as it was written for the sake of hilarity.

Here we go:

Mr. R: 4:41AM sorrydogg california grown

Me: 7:12 AM Huh

Mr. R: 7:12-13AM said sorry california grown

Me: 7:14AM Who is this

Mr. R: 7:15AM Mr. R california grown

Me: Same time Why exactly would you be telling me sorry. I don't think you know me.

Mr. R: Same time no i dont know you i know your girl california grown

Me: Same time I know who you are, I'm just asking why I'm getting sorry?

Mr. R: Around the same maybe it should be thankyou i dont know and no you dont know me at all just what your girl told you open your eyes kid what do you think im doing with your girl thats why i said sorry california grown

Mr. R: Bit later.. I cant beleive you would ever put your hands on a woman not D never again you do anything to hurt her again i will fuck you up be a man not a fucking punk california grown

At this point I called thinking I would just tell him rather than text this long story of why I don't give a flying shit, but this "man" would not pick up his phone. When I say "his" phone, I mean the phone that D gave to him because he couldn't afford one. So really D's phone which probably explains the next text because he probably figures I'm trying to call her.

Mr. R: 7:31AM shes sleeping no need to text her california grown

So keep in mind it has been about 15 minutes since I last responded, only having yet asked why I was getting a sorry, and a phone call to just tell him rather than text over the phone like two high school girls.

Me: 7:32 AM I wasn't trying to call her I know she gave you her phone. But if you don't wanna talk to me direct then doing it like a child seems fine with me.

Mr. R: 7:33 AM i dont want to wake her up now you want to talk shit remember this mother fucker and dont get it twisted im not a child and i want to talk to you in personto tell you that pussy is mine not yours california grown

Mr. R: Same-ish time i dont know you at all i just know you put your hands on the wrong person shes a girl what are youlike six three two hundred something common dog not cool just let her go because once again you do anything to hurt this girl again i am going to fuck you up california grown

So I still have yet to say much other than accepting the challenge to be a child, if that can be considered a challenge. This is my first response to a barrage of harasing messages involving topics which this "man" knows very little about.

Me: 7:muther-fucking 47 (like a jet) One, I don't hit nor have ever hit a girl. D in fact hit me. You can play into that sob game all you want, whatever justifies you feeling better about being a 30 year old working at Coco's who just slept with someone else's friend. If anything your the scumbag but whatever helps you sleep at night, I mean come on your old enough to know better. Secondly, maybe I should thank you because she would never have the balls to tell me to my face. You think this is the first time she's cheated. Welcome to the flavor of the month club in a game called who can get wrapped more deeply around her finger. By all means feel good about what you've done. Enjoy buddy. Sad, I'm sure you we're pretty cool too. Maybe we could have been friends. I'm not gonna harbor resentment just know life's a bitch.

Mr. R: 7: ish def. not 47. have a good day at work thanks for D she is a down ass girl sorry about your bad luck keep trying to clown me miles you know we are going to see eachother if you kow who i am why would you do that did i look like a punk or what dog im just being real with you your bitch chose me cant help it weouldnt if i could california grown

I'm not really sure what he was saying at the end of this^.....

Me: 8:24AM

And Lastly, stop referring to D like an object. Thanks for D? What do you think I've been handing her around like I or you own her? You think I don't like some things about her? Check your machismo anger. Who's the asshole here? You woke ME, up threatening ME at 7 o'clock in the morning. Remember that before you start yelling at me about a relationship you only know from the point of view of a perpetual victim who will embellish to make everything everyone else's fault but her own. I don't need that shit. So, please leave me out of the macho/victim headgames. You're wasting your breath on me.

Mr. R: close to same all i said was sorry dog you are the one hitting me up at seven in the morning i sent that shit at like three or four you know what you did to her so do i that shit doesnt fly with me california grown

Oh right because rubbing it in my face that your fucking a friend of mine at 3-4 in the morning is better than 7....

Me: directly after I don't need to defend myself, I already explained, you only believe her because it's convenient. Like I said whatever makes you feel better for me to be the "bad guy". I'm not getting in a fight over her lies. Done. Over it. Don't bring me into it. Bye.

Mr. R: 8:30ish later sorry again dog better luck next time california grown

Just wow, Im feeling better at least typing it out its even more hilarious. Just thought it was worth a read that this scumbag of a human being accuses me of mistreating this ex of mine and then proceeds to objectify her in every way. "his pussy" etc.

Let the comment storm begin.