Cheating friend

Fielder57 · 2016-05-05T08:55:31+00:00

I've watched some friends who married young go through the same thing. Both men and women cheating. I'm happy to say that they are no longer close friends.

I would advise you try and stay in frame and 'wait it out. Seriously these affairs rarely work, They come crashing down around people and cause major clusterfucks. If that doesn't scare your LTR off of cheating nothing will.

And as i say every day here. Before entering a LTR ensure you are Emotionally, Financially and Mentally stable and secure enough to be able to exit the relationship with as minimal damage to yourself as humanly possible. Keep your car in your name, Keep your savings secret and in your own account and keep someone else in backup if you can. Breakups will always suck but at least that way you can make them suck less.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2016-05-05T14:48:22+00:00

And you are wise to be suspicious of the friend. Having a cheater as a friend "normalizes" cheating for her, if only in part.

As she is your LTR, I trust you have set expectations. You might opt to reinforce the point when she mentions the hosebag friend again or she comes up in conversation, i.e., "Oh, and just so we are 1000% clear, if you cheat--and I will find out--you are Way Long Gone. No crying, no 'It just happened', no amount of 'I'm sorry'. GONE."

No butthurt, just maintain frame, and keep the LTR on "watch". Having shitty friends is a red flag. Set expectations and maintain consistency. Like with a puppy.

Questionablechoice · 2016-05-05T08:33:14+00:00

If you are worried about her cheating and show the slightly emotional response towards it, you pushing her right on to Chads Thundercock.

The only appropriate response is one of ennui. Your LTR tingles are not going to go away unless you begin to appear less valid. A friend cheating is at most going to give her a cathartic emotional engagement similar to a parent pushing a child to succeed.

If your LTR is going to cheat she is going to cheat and her female friend circle will only be an issue if she already is expressing frustration in your quality followed by encouragement to leave. It helps for her friends to also see you as a quality mate but if they are neutral it's not going to hurt and they would need to be significantly negative or have multiple negative influences for her tingles to change.

Jealousy however will ALWAYS ALWAYS push her away. Getting cause unjustly controlling or investigating are sure fire ways to end up single.

If you are not having issues with intimacy, disrespect or irregular behaviour you are very unlikely to have an issue. When you see changes in these areas you might have some cause to be suspicious.

I don't see any reason here to advance into dread except the standard passive dread of keeping fit, well educated and desirable to others. In general this should be a base line for any LTR situation anyway.

sqerl · 2016-05-05T11:40:23+00:00

the close friend of previous LTR was a prolific cheater. The friend spoke openly about bedding a new guy every week but she's married. I sort of accepted this "friend" in my ex's life because she lived far enough away that it wasn't an issue.... until my ex went on vacation to visit her... some strange shit went down, I questioned it, and was told, "if you wanted to know exactly what happened, you should have come." That was the last straw and she was nexted.

Anyway, it's been said that you're as good as your 5 closest friends. If that's one of her closest friends, it probably won't be an issue until there's an issue in your relationship. Just realize there's an influential hamster in the closest that will come out.

quicklogaccount · 2016-05-05T13:03:25+00:00

Yeah, she's not a decent friend to have around. You gotta think about your internal boundaries here though.
Having the friend isn't a red flag per si. Her behaviors towards cheating and friendship are. If you want to go an extra mile to be safe, pay closer attention to these.
Is she heavily influenced by her friends? Do they mutually encourage each other? If they do, how are they reacting towards the cheating?
Does she gives signs she finds those behaviors exciting? Does she bothers to offer explanations to justify her friend somehow (be wary of the "if that wasn't wrong per definition, she would be right")?

Another thing. Don't be paranoid man.

but we all know they giggle in the meantime and talk about how cool this guys is or whatever.

We all know SHIT. You can count on women underestimating men's perception and giving red flags if she thinks her friend's behavior thrilling or acceptable. Just keep an eye on your own hamster so he doesn't justify her. :)

On some second thoughts here, one thing I understand as a red flag when it comes to friendships for a LTR is sharing CLOSE social circles with gay men. It might be a cultural thing but around here these guys are notoriously promiscuous, extremely supportive and extremely encouraging (cute adjectives apply: Empowering, sex positive...). I guess there's reason to be wary if some of her friends have these traits.

cozgw · 2016-05-05T23:16:19+00:00

Tell your girlfriend that if you we're in your friends position you'd dump her ass. It's a subtle way of letting her know she'd be out he door if she pulled that shit.

AZTRP · 2016-05-06T02:20:37+00:00

Because this is a LTR:

Consider planting a seed the next time the friend's name comes up: "yeah about that, how does she add value to your life?"

When she presses for what you mean: "She's openly cheating on her husband, X, Y, and Z. Birds of a feather flock together and all that and you aren't the same birds." (xyz = other negative attributes your LTR has mentioned).

If your perceived SMV is high enough you could even (or just) say something along the lines of "I don't condone cheating and have no room in my life for people without integrity, you shouldn't either."

ecosci · 2016-05-06T20:56:41+00:00

We have all been warned that women dont have tingles for good men they will destroy anything to get those tingles jumping but thats why you have to be ready to exit even if you thinks shes cheating because thats what makes you redpill so your tingle inducers have to atleast match the other guys so she can use some logic because it puts them in survival mode which is the only time she will use her senses.

thechaosz · 2016-05-05T08:18:53+00:00

Never stop Cheating

Title	Cheating friend
Author	Dronitto
Upvotes	4
Comments	16
Date	May 5, 2016 8:06 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4hyzkv/cheating_friend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/cheating-friend.104987 https://theredarchive.com/post/104987

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