Hi all, long time lurker and first time poster in need of advice and encouragement. I (27F) met a guy (28M) on Hinge who embodied many HVM traits (respectful, secure attachment style, emotionally mature/available, great communicator, etc).

He and I were both looking for something serious and I stuck to FDS principles (he made the first move, initiated each time, planned and paid for dates, etc.). We could talk effortlessly for hours and enjoyed each other’s company, and I felt safe and comfortable around this person — as far as I could see, all green flags. Given the positive trajectory of how things were going (six dates in), I had a good feeling he’d try to make things exclusive/official during a special date he had planned for New Years Day.

To my surprise, he instead decided to called it quits because our connection apparently seemed more platonic than romantic, citing that he did not feel “the spark” between us. He commented on how his previous relationships had always started off with a “hot flame” and “off-the-charts chemistry” and mentioned that he and his previous partners were open books from the very beginning, whereas I had been slower to open up. (Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t believe in creating a false sense of emotional intimacy by sharing too much too soon?) He noted that on paper, we are very compatible (similar communication styles, shared interests, aligned values, etc.) and that we get along extremely well. He said he didn't mean to string me along in any way and kept asking me out in the hopes that the “spark” would eventually come as we got to know each other better.

He was rather upfront and cordial about the whole thing, which I appreciated. He also said it was his genuine hope that we could meet up as platonic friends (e.g. grab coffee or go on a hike) if I was open to it, expressing how much fun we had together and how conversation between us flowed very naturally.

On a random side note, something that he had also brought up (which he had shared with me before) is how I happened to have the same first name as his mother, which created a mental block in his head that he knew was a bit silly. He admitted this may have subconsciously played a part in the platonic connection he had been feeling.

So I get it, he just wasn’t that into me and it just wasn’t meant to be. I now realize we had fundamentally different approaches to OLD - whereas he was looking for that romantic spark from the get-go (chemistry), I focused on a foundation of friendship (compatibility). While I don’t think that chemistry and compatibility are mutually exclusive in a relationship, I can’t help but feel a little blindsided by how much the spark mattered to this HVM. He himself seemed to be surprised/confused by it, especially since he's talked about how important compatibility is in dating as opposed to just "catching feels."

  • I feel like I did my due diligence in following FDS and establishing myself as a HVW, but should I have done something differently/did I just totally misread things (i.e. confuse compatibility with romantic chemistry)? How critical is this initial “spark” vs. compatibility for long-term relationship success?

  • Also, can a HVM and HVW go from short-term dating to being platonic friends with clear boundaries? Should I proceed with caution or avoid altogether? Advice appreciated.