Question in title.

My (27F) ex-husband was emotionally abusive/incapable of falling in love with me. Honestly, the signs were there early on. But I stupidly kept working at the relationship, and slowly over time I began to believe him when he told me that I was a bad communicator, that he was more emotionally intelligent, etc. Dated 7 years, married <1 yr, divorce is finalizing by early 2021.

My husband (29M) asked me (27F) out when I was 18. He was upfront about wanting marriage/kids and a serious relationship with me, which I thought was a good sign; I also loved his family/their values and was very close with them. We dated for 6 years (3 LDR), I moved closer to him, we got engaged, married, and we moved so I could attend law school. I wanted almost a year to have PIV sex with him, but that wasn't enough. The first time we did it, he immediately tried to go into doggy style (which is a fine position, but it was my/our first time!). He didn't say "I love you" until 2 years into dating, after I alluded to loving him. He told me that my feelings were silly/unreliable.

Once we were at the engagement stage, he said I was materialistic for wanting an engagement ring and made fun of me. He knowingly invited someone who sexually assaulted me to our wedding, in order to avoid "awkwardness," and then criticized me for being upset and not "moving on." Sex was often rough, and he mocked me when I tried to make it more intimate and said that I thought sex should be emotional (we never "made love"). After we got married, he revealed that he'd never been in love with me and just wanted a "companion" and mother for his kids; he has suggested that if I became more like his brother's wife, he "might" fall in love with me for the first time, or (alternatively) that being "in love" is a fairytale, and other couples in love are "just infatuated." He says that if I "wanted more" from marriage, it was my responsibility to make that clear when we were engaged.

I separated from him in April/May and moved back to my family across the country, which was the right choice. I'm focused on myself and on law school, I go to therapy when I need to, etc. I feel optimistic about finding a better relationship someday, if I want one. But I'm having such a hard time letting go of the shame of staying with a man who clearly was sh*tty. I know he gaslighted me continuously, but I feel like I should have been "smart" enough to cut and run years ago--and especially when I started getting uncomfortable before the wedding.