I've come to the depressing realisation over this past week that despite how much I've taken this information in and no matter how hard I've tried to improve myself and my relationship, I am far from where I thought I was.

Last night I was hyper aware of my interactions with my husband and although I didn't say anything to him, I was horrified for most of the night and super embarrassed. If I'm not paying attention and I'm just responding to him automatically, I'm constantly contradicting him! I don't do it on purpose and most of the time it's for the sake of conversation or my argumentative nature (for example, I love a good debate etc). If I really feel a specific way about something then forget it, I will get passionate and most likely, fucking annoying. I think my parents relationship was like this as well and it's not a relationship that I aspire to have.

I understand that this can be interpreted as disrespectful or even that I'm trying to compete with him, which I am not. I'm really not. Ideally I would be a housewife and focus on taking care of him. We had a 4 month period when I wasnt working in 2020 and I will always remember it fondly. It was a lot easier to be present in the moment when I wasnt simultaneously thinking about work projects, deadlines etc.

Today I woke up super down, embarrassed and deflated. I can't believe that I'm like that and the worst (best?) part is that he's such a gentleman that he'd just never say anything, for fear of hurting me. It's up to myself, always, to identify problems in our relationship or myself. Sometimes I fear that by the time I do get an epiphany moment, it will be far too late.

I don't really know where to go from here but I do know he deserves better. We've had a couple of other arguments this week and once again, he's amazing about it all, but I can't shake the feeling that I could be so much better to him and for him.