I am a ~17 year active service member with a wife who has been with me the entire time. Currently stateside, no deployment or anything in the foreseeable future. Two kids, 5 & 1.

Wife has an anxiety disorder and depression (bipolar). She is a lovely person but it has been getting worse and worse over time. She was never much of a home-maker, but I didn’t really expect that from her. But once we had kids it started getting bad. I would do all the housework and all the cooking after work and take care of the kids for the most part (though we split bed/night duties). But we never got out of the house with the kids and, if we did, it was like pulling teeth. Weekends were brutal- she would take 3-5 hour naps to leave me with the kids (not an issue, love spending time w kids, but I can’t really do housework without help watching the kids). And we would not do anything. Eventually we would hire college girls to help her watch the kids till I got home so she could “de-stress”.

I felt really uncared for and started getting distant. We never cheated on each other, but it was just not there anymore.

So I go on a long work trip (1.5 months) and, in the first week of it, she decides to go home to her parents place (great people but this was not planned). I have an unexpected day off (work trip was scheduled for no time off), so I go to play poker. I take out $600 to play ( we have plenty of money) but don’t tell her because I feel guilty (not sure why).

Now she wants a trial separation, at least so “she can work on herself” with a trusted family therapist. Is going to have the kids two states away until at least December. I can’t move close or change jobs- it is not feasible. I can’t take care of the kids with work, I need someone who can take them to school (I don’t work on a base and don’t have base daycare that opens early enough). So having the kids with me is not an option, short of getting an au pair.

I feel betrayed. Not that I am guiltless in how distant I am or the stress of military life, but I didn’t deserve this. What can I do?