Previously in “The Husband Store”, I promised to deliver on a practical framework in which to accomplish and enable two things:

  • provide grounds to discuss post commitment and pre commitment risk men

  • provide a simple and effective process for screening and vetting men based on shared relationship goals and values

We briefly covered the importance of how having strong vetting skillsets and improving relationship market value acts as strong support in any RPW's toolbox. I then included a few posts from the wiki on the specific actionable tools that many endorsed contributors and founders were involved with in writing. Today, I'm continuing with this post to expand this area by providing a descriptive map of men and their goals to assist in vetting effectively.

Before we move into the four categories of men and their goals and close off the post with a fast and easy method on how to read people using this framework, I want to make a quick point on maps and theoretical models.

The Map is not the Territory

With over 7.5 billion humans on Earth today, there exists a large amount of complexity in accurately and reliably categorizing and predicting future behaviors.

Given this information, we should not mistake any map as the actual territory. Maps only act as models in which we can use to help us navigate life more effectively, but not perfectly. No framework is perfect, the terrain (real life) adds complexity; if you see something that does not make sense in this post or goes against your intuition, trust your personal mental models.

I like the quote from Alan Watts, “the menu is not the meal” as clarification for this metaphor. When a customer orders from a menu, the intention is to eat the meal not the menu. How that meal comes to you may vary and can appear different than what is pictured. This is freebreakfasts personal menu. You'll want to use this framework simply as another tool in the toolbox to help you more effectively vet for the types of men you would want in your relationship.

As previously mentioned, there are 4 categories of men who can operate from a position of:

  • Emotional deficit - Emotional

  • Functionality, Ideology, Physicality - Functional

  • Goodwill, Intention, and Success - Intentional

  • Intellect - Intellectual

From my observations, people have a tendency of developing and operating from one of the main categories and will have mature or immature pockets from the others.

Based on this information, you can make heuristic estimates about behavioral probabilities and an individual’s levels of reliability when it comes to different goals. This is due to the powerful link between identity and goals. Identity is one of the fundamental keys in predicting behaviors as humans have a powerful tendency and desire to stay congruent to our self-image and self-concepts.

There are three levels or substages in each of the following categories. I will touch briefly on the first and fourth categories, but the primary focus will be on the second and third categories of men as they have a higher probability to be stable and functional for long term relationships, open to having children, and open to marriage if they’re marrying.

Categories of Men and Their Goals

Category 1 - Emotional

The first category of men operates from a position of emotional deficit. These men are almost always constantly lacking something and needing something or other in order to feel at ease.

The men who operate primarily from this category will have some form of serious dysfunction on the basis of functionality and stability in the everyday ‘functional sense’. Given a dysfunctional and chaotic environment, this category could potentially be more preferred in a survival and war sense. The highest values and goals for these types of men will typically be strongly self-interest driven and completed without concern for morality, cost, or social ramifications.

The men who have immature pockets from this category will display minor to strong dysfunction depending on how deep that pocket is (mental illnesses, personality disorders, addictions, insecure attachment style, etc.)

The men who have mature pockets in this category will have control over their emotions and other’s as well as the ability to rapidly spot as well as utilize machiavellian and dark triad tactics and strategies in their life when needed.

First Stage: Guilt, Shame, Psychosis, Humiliation, Hatred, Apathy, Despair, Depression, Hopelessness, Grief, Sorrow, Self-Pity

Towards the end of his life Elliot tapped into deep pockets of inferiority, self-pity, hopelessness, humiliation, and hatred that eventually led him to his goals. The quality of our emotions is the quality of our life. Accumulated life experiences and the resulting emotions, memories, and beliefs formulate identity.

In the case of Elliot, when an individual's sense of self-worth, self-image, and reality (identity) become massively distorted (which is common for people operating with category one energy) they are strongly hijacked by their emotional systems. In his case: psychosis, despair, shame, extreme hatred, and guilt eventually possessed him to end his life by a murder suicide spree.

At this level, external professional help is needed.

Second Stage: Fear, Worry, Shyness, Inferiority, Paranoia, Craving, Need, Compulsion, Unfulfilled Desire

Prior to his final days alive, Elliot’s day to day life was centered around fear, worry, shyness, paranoia, craving, need, and unfulfilled desire. His highest levels of emotional wellbeing and state ascended towards criticism, contempt, antagonism, and a false sense of superiority. His lower days were self-pity, hopelessness, and depression. He had small pockets of functionality when he attended school, but operationally his emotions had him in its grip at the second stage of emotions.

Third Stage: Anger, Domination, Aggression, Coldness, Antagonism, Criticism, Discontent, Complaint, Blame, Pride, Superiority, Arrogance

As mentioned in The Husband Store, the first category of men can be roughly divided into those who utilize submission as a strategy (and later manipulation) to accomplish their goals and those who dominate others. No human is pure submission or domination, we’re a mixed bag of traits and personalities. In the case of the third stage of emotional men, these men are highly competent and capable in accomplishing their goals which are commonly centralized around sex, money, and power (reproduction and survival). These men typically operate from Machivellenian principles and varying amounts of the dark triad, are highly charismatic, and have strong ability and skills to be cunning and deceptive.

Notable Examples:

Outward appearance of a successful hedge fund manager and philanthropist, but secretly led a double life involving blackmail, sex trafficking, and other shady activities.

I’ve clipped an Inside Edition ambush interview that initially caught the preacher off guard and he responded in a brusque manner. A few moments later, he turns on the charisma. Most normal people coming from a position of religious ‘humility, honor, and integrity’ (category 2 traits and familiar themes) would not exert such a strong frame deflection and control if they were confronted with that type of situation.

I cannot make any substantial claims with evidence as to where Kenneth measures at, but from a simple human to human trust relationship I couldn’t see him passing the unshakeable integrity test (i.e. if I left him with a large sum of money for a period of time or needed to travel and leave behind my SO or child in his custody, could I trust that nothing bad would happen).

Outward appearance of a reformed, devout, and active christian who graduated from Carnegie Mellon University and a son of a pastor. His machiavellian self-interest involving lies, subterfuge, market manipulation, and insider trading eventually cost banks over 10 billion dollars in loss from high risk equities trading.

Part 1 Emotional (c1), Part 2 Functional & Successful (c2 & c3), Part 3 Intellectual (c4)