So I got myself a strong, independent woman.

Strong cause she don't need me to protect her. I want to be there for her because I am sure she can't be strong forever. I find that this conflicts with the teachings of Jordan Peterson and that it may prove that I am emasculated.

She doesn't seem to think that I am so maybe hooray?

Independent cause she's going around here and there. We are not yet officially going out together but we go on dates, or rather I ask her out on dates which gets kinda costly for me. I do enjoy her company but yeah. I sound and act like a total simp.

She finds me sweet though.

Man, in hindsight I am head over heels over her because she gives me this kind of attention that I've never been able to find before. It's kinda addicting.

What do I want? Comfort and peace and someone to get a lap pillow. So I can forget about myself and my woes. So that I can forget about my past for even just a moment. I am willing to spend time and money just to be with her.

I am afraid that this would not be a sustainable system. I believe she would accept if she'd be willing to pitch in her fair share when able. Fair share being 25% of her meals or something.

I am aware I am a simp but the other alternative is something I truly despise. I can still stomach being a simp. I can still stomach being the kind of guy that Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson derides. Because the alternative is a type of loneliness that I would never want to experience.

You can never be lonely if you enjoy your own company is what some say but I don't. I don't like what has happened to myself and my past. The one thing I can truly forget it is when I'm with her.

Why did I make this post? Maybe someone here can slap some sense into me because I am fully aware that I am being blinded by either comfort or love. I am aware this does not make me a man in Mr. Peterson's sense or anyone's traditional manly sense. I feel like I should just give up and wallow in my own self-pity.

I don't want that. I don't know what I want.