Found MRP in later 2018. I was a fat ass at 35%+ body fat. A sad fatass. Looking at photos I took at the time make me hate that guy.. because I let it get so bad. But mostly I just feel sorry for him because he did not know any better. After finding MRP, I read and read for days and weeks.. trying to get all that info in. Internalizing things has always been tough for me. I do not think I have full internalized some of the stuff yet.. even 4 years later.

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39 years old. Married 15 years, 2 kids. I have posted in OYS a few times under different ids but always stopped after a few weeks and self sabotaging myself for some reason (see below).

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Prior to finding this place, I never touched a bar to lift. After finding MRP, I convinced myself that the lifting part was not applicable to me.. for several months.. before starting. Felt like an idiot lifting that 45 lb bar for the first time. I did not have the flexibility to do more than a quarter rep squat for several months.

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Currents lifts are 405 DL, 225 Bench, 275 Squat, 160 OHP. All 1RMs tested.

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Body fat dropped from 35% to 19% right now. I am still fat but objectively much better than where I started. There is no excuse to not be further along than this but more on that below.

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Have read the sidebar books multiple times. NMMNG was written about me. I got a lot out of it and still do every time I read it. And yet there is still stuff that I struggle to full internalize in many of the books.

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Sex in 2018 was once a week scheduled on Saturday night after the kids were in bed. If you can call it sex. Mostly just consisted of sad oral sex and getting each other off. I was terrible at sex and did not have the stamina for it many of the times. A sad sad shell of a man.

Right now, sex is 2-3 times a week. Actual sex. And most of the time it is pretty good sex. I have to lead sex and get it to where I want to get it. Blowjobs happen if sex is not possible for some reason. Deep throating, ass play, multiple toys, blindfolds.. tried a bunch of stuff.. and all of this is constantly expanding. My imagination is the limiting factor. That and having the guts to just go for what I want without any fucking shame.

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Apart from sex life, family life is great. I have the respect of my wife, my kids, my peers. My work life improved leaps and bounds. I became much more assertive with friends and acquaintances. A little more confident in my day to day dealings with people. My salary/work increased 2-3 times over the years.. even though things are slow right now.

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So on the whole, my life is dramatically different from how it was in 2018. And yet.. I keep fucking up in a few areas.. It is almost as if I do well for a few weeks maybe even months and then self sabotage myself or fuck things up go into a spiral and then take a long time getting back on track.

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No 1. Issue. Porn. Before finding MRP porn used to be my solace. Multiple times a day. Then get drunk after. Repeat the cycle. I was Omega to the core in most of my behavior. I made the decision to quit this behavior shortly after discovering MRP. And I don’t drink nowadays except for the rare social occasion. And I do not enjoy it very much either. Porn on the other hand. I stay away for weeks months even. And then go back into a binge lasting couple of days. Then resolve to not do this again and get back on the same cycle. Rinse and repeat. Every time I promise myself that I won’t and then something will happen and I will convince myself that its ok. I can watch once. And then I am in that spiral again. And when I go there, I think oh did this.. might as well fuck up my diet also.. and drink too to deal with the shame around the whole thing. And this sets back my overall progress for weeks.

My triggers. It can be a lot of things. A few times it was due to not being as fulfilled with sex with the wife. Maybe I did not feel validated enough - the shittiest of reasons because I know porn fuels the sex for validation mental model. The other times it has been usually reading something about someone else having better sex experiences that I may never get to experience.. and I go to porn to experience whatever that is in a shitty substitute. I always hate myself after these incidents and vow to not do it again. But the cycle repeats.

My question: Why do I keep doing this? What can I do to help myself not repeat this spiral? What helped you? Am I just being a victim and a pussy.. and is the answer just suck it up and do it? I do it.. but I keep breaking. Why do I keep fucking up? Why do I care if someone else is having a better sex life than me?

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No 2. Issue. Sex. Sex and the obsession around it. 3KL wrote up a post on this and I have been laser focused on building a life outside of the house. I have a bunch of stuff I do and enjoy and I am still building on it. But I still get comments around sex like she is not that into it. She does not have the libido now. She is ok even if we don’t have sex for weeks. Or that I have to get someone younger maybe. Or some other mouth noises. But actions do show that whenever we do have sex, she gets into it and we have fun. Is the answer here just - Too fat bro.. Or that I still suck and am still exhibiting a lot of unattractive behaviors? I also know I do a lot of validation seeking. I care too much about her pleasure - good lover validation nonsense. My question here is.. at this stage, I am struggling with the path forward and the mouth noises throw me for a loop and I find myself overthinking if I will ever get to where I want us to get to in our sex life.

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No 3. Caring too much about what others think about me. Compared to where I started, I am much more confident. Much more DNGAF etc. But I still care. I still care about others opinions far too much. I have done the work building myself, lifting, building other hobbies, building a social circle. Doing stuff I am not comfortable doing. But even after all this, there are instances where I care about others opinions and wondering if someone else likes me or some other nonsense like that. The opposite of having frame. How do I change this? How can I get more to a place of not giving a fuck at all about anyone else’s opinions except my own?