I’m feeling pretty helpless

Sydnaktik · 2023-03-09T21:04:49+00:00

My whole adult life I've only had one way to make friends: meetup.com

The best groups are usually the "New in town" groups. Because this is where you find lots of people looking to make new friends groups.

Expat / language groups are pretty decent too.

You'll naturally be asked where you're from. Just tell them you're local and like to meet people from other places. Or you're just looking for new friends.

It's good you're getting professional mental help. But they're not all the same there's a very wide variety with very different quality of results. From what I hear, cognitive behavior therapy is the most effective.

Take things easy, don't judge yourself against what others are doing. Judge yourself against your past self. This helps you to be proud of yourself for each little bit of progress even if you're still far off from where you want to be or where you perceive others to be.

Now for social skills, I'm starting to think we should have a professionally researched set of advice on how to get good social skills and put that on the side bar. But here's my amateur attempt at it, based on personal experience:

Experience is king. You can't learn social skills by thinking about it. It's just too complex.
Learn the basics: "hello, my name is X. How's the weather?" type of stuff. So just go somewhere where it's sensible to exchange basic pleasantries and practice (meetup.com is a good place to look for something).
Have at least a tiny little bit to offer (charm, funny, interesting). At this stage very little is needed and 99% of people naturally and effortlessly have enough, but I want to cover the 1% as well. Don't overestimate how much you need, just a tiny little bit. I strongly recommend being interesting by being just the tiniest little bit open about your opinions on certain things while also listening to and being understanding of other's opinions.
1-3 gets you friends. The bar for making friends is surprisingly low, so long as you're talking to someone who's also looking for a friend.
But you have to be able to hang out, so you need to learn logistics. Organizing events at a time that is opportune for everyone that you want to invite and doing something that everyone is interested in doing.
There does need to be a thing, whether it's just hanging out and chatting, playing board games, having a drink at the bar, going out for dinner, going for a hike, going for bobba tea. You pick a thing and you gauge interest and you invite.
It's often very difficult at this stage to gauge whether a rejection is because they don't want to be friends with you or if it's because they're not interested in the event or there's a problem with timing.
Usually if someone already has a social activity planned when you invite them, they'll invite you to theirs. If they have one and they don't invite you, it probably means that you need to look for someone else.
Don't take rejections personally. And don't worry, even the most abrasive weirdos can find friends, it just takes a little longer and the quality might not be as good.
Manage boundaries. Basically this is about respect. Pay attention to whether others are doing things that make you feel uncomfortable and address it.
The earlier you do it, the better. Otherwise people will start taking it for granted that they can do certain things you don't like and you start to feel like you need to explode to make them stop.
How to make your boundaries respected is extremely complicated because it depends on culture, personality and the "vibe" of your friend's group. The last resort is to disengage, either permanently and find new friends, or temporarily, you leave the event. Basically, if you're not able to figure out how to get you boundaries respected then you're just not culturally compatible with this friend's group.
Also try to pay attention to and respect other people's boundaries. A lot of people are pretty bad at making their boundaries known, so when you respect them they notice.
Now that you have the foundation you can start looking into what you have to offer. Are you entertaining, helpful, or the organizer, etc...

surrealstrength · 2023-03-09T18:14:44+00:00

Your could be my friend good sir if you wouldn't mind.

As for your answr, I don't know if I qualify to answer but I've made a few good male friends at the gym. It usually happens when I have the same time slot as them. A simple hi is all it ever took. If you would like you could join another activity of your liking. It could be at a shooting range, a playground, at the bar while you watch a game. As for maintaining friendships I think it depends how your schedule matches with theirs. It's not necessary to always be available.

kenbrucedmr · 2023-03-09T22:00:09+00:00

Hey dude, I guess you came to the right place!

I second the meetup.com idea. I used it with some success some years ago. I recently advised a poster to take martial arts lessons. It seems like it would be good for you, also (attendees there tend to be guys). You might have to try more than one school to find one where the group actually keeps contact outside lessons.

There are more nerdy options, like Dungeon and Dragons (or similar role playing games) groups. It might be easier/lower pressure.

Title	I’m feeling pretty helpless
Author	jimborn1314
Upvotes	26
Comments	7
Date	March 9, 2023 4:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MenSupportMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/mensupportmen/comments/11mwlot/im_feeling_pretty_helpless/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MenSupportMen/im-feeling-pretty-helpless.1173009 https://theredarchive.com/post/1173009

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