Ok so my ex and I (22F and he’s 22M) broke up 2 weeks ago so it’s still pretty fresh but DAMN i’m having so many realisations after opening up about what happened and I just want to share with you guys my journey and lessons. Fair warning tho, this post is quite long. Enjoy the long read i guess haha.

So what’s been happening is i eventually opened up to my mother and just... wow. Several times i started venting to my mother and she interrupts me saying “Shhhh! Dear, not so loud!! Your dad will hear you!!” and i’m thinking omg what why do i have to hide my venting from my dad?? and she was like “If your father EVER heard these things about (ex’s name) he would lose ALL RESPECT for him. If he had known about this earlier your ex would not have been allowed in the house.”

The things i vented about my ex:

  • He didn’t believe women should be in the workplace!!
  • Invalidating my feelings
  • getting mad/frustrated at me for getting hurt by something insensitive/offensive he’s said
  • Claiming he has always had “uncontrollable urges” with sex, porn and masturbation.
  • Groping and even fingering me in public while in crowded shopping stores.
  • Breaking our boundaries not to follow private porn/onlyfans accounts of pornstars, girls who look 16 and photoshopped pawgs. when i got upset about this he said i wasn’t allowed to be upset coz clearly that shows i didn’t understand his insecurities and crap life and that he couldn’t help himself.
  • Proclaiming to my face that these insta girls were very attractive to him and he craved them.
  • I ended up developing my first ever major body image issues (i am an athlete and always liked my body but that changed dramatically in the relationship).
  • Getting mad at me when I bought a bullet vibrator and called me perverted for doing so.
  • Calling his male friends lame and gay when they started manscaping or exploring sex toys with their partners.
  • Believes that all sexual energy should only ever be saved for sex with your partner (such hypocrisy right here).
  • Holding grudges and saying in arguments “yeah sure i did a really bad thing today that hurt you pretty badly BUT i still haven’t forgiven you for that one time 10 months ago when you called me immature. How dare you. Im not happy with you.”
  • Severe hatred for himself, his appearance, his career indecisiveness, his questionable druggo high school friends that cheat on their girlfriends and threatened to rape me if he kept making fun of them, his mentally unstable family and other things i couldn’t make him feel better about no matter how hard i tried.
  • Saying he appreciates everything i’ve done for him and been the most perfect gf but he doesn’t accept me for who i am because i keep getting hurt by things he says, that we are emotionally incompatible and we always end up fighting.
  • No accountability, responsibility and forgiveness
  • right wing racist/sexist and homophobe that made fun of my bisexual friends and would drunkenly egg me on to say the n-word just as a joke.
  • Just before we broke up he started following those insta accounts again 🙄

Um i could honestly go on and on about this but i won’t because you get the idea. I legitimately fell in love with this guy and dealt with him for 1.5 years... And i felt like we could make it work and that this was what i was willing to settle for. And yes he had his real good moments taking me out on dates a lot and being affectionate/loving and i honestly thought we’d make a good power couple (the lawyer/lawyer combo). My mum called me out saying that’s bs and i deserve way way more than this. My ex was a lost boy and i had to let him go.

And further, she said my father would be severely offended if he found out i was with a man that didn’t believe women should be in the workforce. And he would be disturbed by my exes habits and wonder why they even talked at the dinner table and stayed over at our house. Apparently my father would have been very protective too and not happy that a guy like my ex had his daughter wrapped around his finger.

And then my mum told me all the things my dad did for her back in the 80’s/90’s before they married:

  • Bought her flowers every week and offered to take her out to many many places.
  • Supported her in her career endeavours and they both ended up being a power couple as very successful career people
  • Respecting all her decisions- like when she wanted to move out of home alone, try a new hobby, go to someone’s party. If she wanted to leave a function or go somewhere else he’d let her and simply meet up with her another time.
  • Respected the fact her time was precious and she had a busy life. Was never needy/clingy or seeking attention/validation or prodding for an argument like a child or for sex.
  • In fact he never pushed or persuaded her for sex early on until she was ready and she felt that trust/commitment was established.
  • If things were not great in his life (E.g noisy disrespectful lad kinda friends from his high school days) he’d accept, learn from it and actively try to improve it.
  • If they ever fought, he’d give her space and then come back ready to discuss and had clearly thought about her feelings and her side. Was able to settle and compromise with her and forgive/accept.
  • If my mother pointed out something that was not right, he would LISTEN to her first above anything else.
  • Always giving her choices or offering suggestions rather than deciding straight up for her.
  • Not afraid to admit he was wrong and doesn’t say so in a defeated mopey way but rather admiring he has a partner that can help him realise himself and guide him onto a better path.

Again, i could go on and on about this. But i guess what i’m saying is HVM is possible!! It’s not just a new concept either it’s been there for ages!! My mother looked for a guy that was a HVM all the way back in the 80’s and made him work for her. Not in a hard labour kind of way because she never asked him to slave away for her. All these things he was required to do are just basic things out of respect and she deserves that and he has to prove that he will respect her. Men these days aren’t exactly correct for saying women are selfish/cruel by expecting “too much” from them and have unrealistic perceptions of a boyfriend. Sometimes that is the case but in the context of HVM vs LVM, no it is not too much and too greedy to be looking for a HVM.

However, my mother does say that men like my father may be harder to find these days because in her opinion, parenthood and the upbringing of their sons these days have slackened a lot. But they’re still out there and don’t let anyone change your goal to find a HVM that you deserve. Don’t settle for less. I swear i have trauma from both my pornsick, immature, mopey exes and it’s honestly not worth it.