Want your take on visitation with an alcoholic

BurnerKiwi · 2020-05-13T03:08:28+00:00

He should complete a program anyway, regardless of that being visitation criteria.

He sounds really unhealthy and in a bad space and I hope he can come out of it OK.

I think it’s pretty gross that he’s committing DUIs, especially with your kids in the car. That’s absurdly irresponsible.

Obviously I’m not in the situation so take everything with a grain of salt, but I would hope his mental health was a focus and some amicable result of visitation for when he’s stable. Who knows he might be a new man when he gets some more control of his life.

You sound fair and hopefully you’re not posting one thing here and acting completely irrationally in reality, so benefit of the doubt there :)

JEMColorado · 2020-05-13T04:58:11+00:00

I consulted on a case several years ago wherein the alcoholic parent needed to undergo an independent evaluation, and was required to abstain while being with the children. The AP was tested for this as a condition of the kids being dropped off at her place. Personally, I would insist on the children's father undergo something similar. If he's not ready to make changes/get treatment, then the kids' safety is the priority.

mollitried · 2020-05-13T04:10:50+00:00

I don't think it's safe for the kids to be alone with him, drinking and driving to really bad for everyone. He should only have supervised visits while sober until he cleans up his act. I hope he reflects on his poor choices and changes his ways and i hope you give him the opportunity to have a relationship with the kids if or when he legitimately gets sober.

Lion_amongst_gods · 2020-05-13T05:42:20+00:00

Custody (supervised) during rehab and equal custody after sobering up. Fair?

WHYSOYEET · 2020-05-13T03:09:36+00:00

I feel bad for you and your husband.I think he has been trying to drink his problems away.I used to have a abusive mother that would get super drunk and try to beat the ever loving hell out of me.I love her still but it got to the point when she didn't give a shit about me and only her boyfriend.My mom and dad split up when I was young and when I got older she admitted she was depressed and lives with regret each day from abusing me. I feel like that is the same thing your husband is going through but without the abuse part.

Edit: In visitation terms, I'd say he should still be able to visit the children at minimum 3 times a week.That can extend when he gets river his problem.

rabel111 · 2020-05-13T03:58:52+00:00

Heard of many many mothers being caught driving with their kids in the car, with high blood alcohol. None had their children removed from their care. None had to prove their suitability to be a parent. Why would it be different for these children's father?

Alcoholism is a disease that can be treated. Alcoholics range from the stereotypical homeless derilict, to functional alcoholics, able to conduct normal lives and careers while living with the disease. Is there any violence or abuse?

AskingToFeminists · 2020-05-13T09:19:30+00:00

He’s also recently admitted he’s not happy

Not surprising. Addiction is highly dependent on circumstances. The idea people have that addiction is only due to a substance is based on bad science. A guy put a rat in a cage, with access to drugs. The rat overdosed. The guy concluded that some substances create addiction.

Another guy said "wait. Your rat had nothing else to live for, in his cage". He built a sort of rat heaven, where they ad plenty of food, of mates to play and mate with, of toys, etc. All a rat could want. And he gave them free access to drugs. Sometimes, a rat would take some, in a recreational manner, but it was rare, and never in an addictive manner. They just had better to do with their life.

You don't get addicted, if you are satisfied with your life.

I'm not saying it is your fault. It might very well be things of his past. Many people are addicted to deal with past traumas.

But that makes your choice harder. In the short term, the divorce makes it harder for him to be OK with his life.

I agree that leaving with the kids is the best for them. DUI is serious, it's not safe for them.

But kids generally need their parents, and you didn't mention abuse from him. They need him, and he needs them. He should have visitation rights while he is trying to get better. And some amount of custody once he does, if he does.

You should of course make sure it is safe for your kids, though. I have seen some suggestions that seemed reasonable in the comments, and I am sure you can find some more.

GingerRazz · 2020-05-13T17:53:24+00:00

To me, he needs to get help for his alcoholism and depression regardless of circumstances. After that, I can fully agree that as he has had cases of DUI with the children in the car that it would be unsafe to give leave the kids with him alone until he has gotten help for his alcoholism as his behavior has shown him to allow his addiction to risk his childrens' safety.

That being said, he should have at least some form of visitation or arrangement to spend time with his kids even before he completes a recovery program. Divorce is extremely difficult for me, especially if they don't get much time with their kids.

The depression caused by divorce, if managed poorly, hell even if managed well, will make it harder to kick an addiction that is an unhealthy coping method. Even a few hours at a time of seeing his kids would vastly improve the odds of his recovery so that his kids can have a healthy and stable father.

I wish both of you the best of luck figuring out this difficult situation to enable successful co-parenting so your children have the best chance of happy and productive lives. The core thing to remember is that even if you are mad at him or sick of this, helping him to work through this so your kids can have a healthy relationship with their father is in the best interest of your children.

luckydiceroller · 2020-05-14T00:36:47+00:00

A non violent alcoholic isn't a big problem, as long as he doesn't have access to car then everything is fine.

"But the DUI" if it was that big of a deal he'd be in jail, being caught with DUI is rarely a big issue for a reason, if they don't get a car then there's no issue.

Which doesn't mean it's all fair and dandy, someone can always provide a car, so tread carefully.

Dunkolunko · 2020-05-13T06:57:15+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Want your take on visitation with an alcoholic
Author	mollitried
Upvotes	17
Comments	22
Date	May 13, 2020 2:16 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/gipvpp/want_your_take_on_visitation_with_an_alcoholic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/want-your-take-on-visitation-with-an-alcoholic.1198311 https://theredarchive.com/post/1198311

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