So its been a hell of a decade for me yall... I got out of the army in early 2013 fresh after a combat mission to afganistan where i sustained a head injury and a lifetime worth of trauma and ptsd.. during the last deployment i was engaged to my stbx and ended up breaking the engagement off while i was there because i honestly didnt know if I was going to make it back alive after a freind died from an ied blast, it was easier for me to dedicate myself to rage and getting revenge... I got back stateside and we got back together and went on to eventually gettting engaged again. Of course with a much bigger ring and all the crow i could ever want to eat. I also had a raging addiction to pain pills and anxiety meds for a few years post exiting millitary.. so there was that .. def not easy to put up with from her side.. about 6 years ago i got clean (totally straight edge) changed my life, no more pills, no more alcohol, got 2 degrees and a good job, got into stellar shape. I did everything in my power to make this woman happy and make up for all of my royal fuck ups. It was my mission to make good on all the empty promises and let downs. I am proud to say that i did however im afraid it may have already been to late..I went to war with my former self and walked through all of my pain and struggle for this woman and i love her for that because i needed that. We ended up getting married 2 years ago now 2021. Honestly looking back it was a band aid type marriage as we had a rough go for many years despite having everything we needed and damn near everything we wanted. Money dosent buy happiness however.

So, 3-4 months ago we found out she was pregnant.. I was over joyed even though we really hadnt been getting along because, well, hope.. she took the news hard and it really left me confused still does. She was excited in some ways but with all the hormones, and having already accepted kids were not in the cards for her/us, because of fertility issues (hers) which i was able to accept and move on from but i know she was completely overwhelmed.. She has treated me like total shit since, low key angry with me because i got her pregnant. I absorb her abuse and coldness and try to do the next right thing mostly because she had done this for me during my time of struggle.

On april 21st i found out my younger brother 32 died in my mothers house of an accidental fentanyl overdose and she found him... this killed me guys, to my stbx credit she was there for me and my family all the way. However upon returning home after a week up north for the funeral it went right back to the same old shit cycle where i just kind of eat it for my sake do what she says and then move on.this actually used to work but it seems as if theres just no more happiness to be had.

today i fucking had enough.. after listening to her kick things around and talk to herself out loud so i could hear, as she tried to paint the nursery which is a room we use as storage and is admittedly a little cluttered in there I kind of threatened divorce. I was hoping when i mentioned divorce she would snap to. That was dumb af, and it went the other way she asked me please. At this i lost my shit.. I feel so insignificant and i feel as if everything i put into this relationship was for nothing. I do and do and do expecting nothing in return which is the humble thing to do but it shouldnt be like that in a relationship. I could do house hold chores for 12 hours and she will come home and see that sock on the floor or dish in the sink and all of the sudden its a reason to not be grateful or show any appreciation whatsoever. I feel like i am being taken advantage of as i pay 80% of the bills and have done 95% of the work that went into making our house a beautiful home. I was optimisitc and hoping this was a phase but it is just capitulating everyday and i am startng to fall into a serious depression and i am realizing that divorce is most likely the only option.