Hey guys - Figured i would post some of what i am dealing with in hopes of additional support, thoughts and perspective. I am too far deep to think clearly. I am in counseling that is helping, but not far enough along to know for sure where this is heading for me. I also recognize this is from my perspective - i also will say i know my faults and what i could have done better.....

The short, short version is we are married 20+ years, older kids with some out of the house, some almost ready to leave the nest.... The first 8 years were good and then its been all down hill since. We had a major falling out because of boundaries she crossed (a major family decision). That caused me to seek emotional support outside the marriage. Our communication was horrible and after 2 years of repair, i thought we were good, until we were not. Soon after the 2yr mark is when the next 12+ years of neglect, abuse (emotional for sure - minor physical), stuff has been broken in these outbursts, and financial neglect (not major, but its like death by a thousand cuts), and lies that have eroded trust.

About 4-5 years ago, every argument was so visceral that i decided to start threatening divorce. 2 months ago i saw an attorney to file because of a major happening and chickened out. This resulted in some change by her, however, i suspect its her being selfish and protecting what she has (lifestyle - she admitted as such) versus being genuine. Plus, i cannot forget or let go all of what has happened or been said (as recently as last week).

Now that i am still debating on going through with this, i cant figure out why i cant. Its not fear of finances, or being alone, or the kids. the kids have said they want it all to stop. i know i dont want to be around when the day comes because i cant face it... Maybe i feel guilty that is been so many things over so long that it feels wrong to backdate things, but again, i cant let it go because i have been treated horribly (according to myself and self worth).

Help?! anyone else struggle with something that seems obvious (i say this because all of my support people who know some or all of it say its been a long time coming - they worry for me too)