This is probably going to be a long read, so bear with me. I feel like going crazy, it goes over and over in my mind and i would love some advice, support and answers.

So we we're together for 8 years, no kids and don't live together. We have known eachother for 14 years. Since our 18. The first time we met, I knew, I was in love and he never left my mind. We both had a relationship but I could not forget him and pursued him.

It has always been a rocky road, with trust issues but we stayed together. I have been in therapy for 1 year in our relationship and just started again. He was houseless for 3 years in our relationship. Has a place now but still workless for the last 4 years. He is a complex individual, as he said himself many times.

Back to the last for 6 months. I told him I flirted with a co-worker 4 years ago. Never cheated but I did flirt and felt bad about it then and stopped it. We had a market coming up at my workplace, my bf is starting his own woodworking business and I thought this is a great opportunity for him! So I invited him and then the stuff with the coworker came to my mind, I felt so bad again, didn't want him to find out on that day( that would probably never happen but still) I felt the urge to tell him. He said he forgave me and wished I told him before.

From here on out it began going bad really quick. He broke up with me due to my egocentric behaviour and stepping over his boundaries. I saw some truth in what he said and started therapy, I need help. And I got diagnosed with bpd.

After 2 weeks of the break up, he called me and said he has doubts and wanted to try again. So we did, I haf my reservations but we had the agreement to both work on ourself and take it slow.

He started at a gym with power lifting and I focused on myself in therapy.

In this meantime he started watching redpill content, interviews with Andrew tate and the freshandfit podcast. This were huge red flags for me.

He started taking over their language and started asking questions like "when did you lost the respect for me?", "Do you have a backup guy?".

The answer are no. Then he told me that I made fun of him at his birthday in February. I told a story I found funny, not to make fun of him. It is just him being him and I love that.

I was a bit dumbfounded and I said sorry, I never ment to give you that feeling. That is not what my intentions are. But I also feel like he is being very much influenced by that podcast freshandfit.

I tried telling him that, it feeds your insecurity, gives you the excuses/ reasons to not look at yourself and put it all on me.

His reaction was "so it all my insecurity, you never do anything wrong."

The conversation was going nowhere and he hang up.

A couple days later i was so mad and frustrated, because for the first time ever. I thought wait a minute, this is not who i am, how you view me is not who i am.

I love him so much and I think he has a view of me that is heavy influenced by the podcast. I tried again to have a conversation and he just said he is done, we are over. At the end of the conversation I said I want to thank his parents, I would like to call him. He said no. I tried again and he said " you do that, you will see what happens then".

I asked if he was threatening me, no he said just a warning.

He blocked me on all devices.

I called him a couple times, to see if he still blocked me and I send him an email saying I want to say goodbye in person and collect my stuff. I think that is a healthy thing to do. He called me 3 days ago, saying he is open to that. But he doesn't want to give me false hope, it is really done this time. We decided he will call me in 30 days and then I make the decision if I want to see him.

To be honest at the moment, I give myself hope, even knowingly this is toxic. I still want him back... I feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting that.

I am left with questions and doubt. I doubt myself so much. Am I so blind to my own behaviour, am I the narcissistic? Am I the bad one?

A list of some things that I find toxic and mabye even narcissistic in his behaviour :

- everything must go on his way. His parents and sister have confirmed this. (They are the only poeple I know, that know him and I called them because I felt like going crazy)

We even had a joke about it, I am ms. Never enough and he is Mr. Never good enough.

- I always felt like walking on eggshells, I need to be in a type of way, do as he likes so he will give me love and validation. It just feels like something is always around the corner. His mood can shift in een instance. And i am confused lots of the time.

- when I stated my boundaries or needs he most of the time didn't listen. When I give him feedback or tell I didn't like something in his behaviour or he hurts me with his words. He gets mad, when I am with him he just turns in to this different person. All the door closes and he can get very mean if I don't leave him alone.

When I am not with him, he just ignores my text or calls.

- he blameshifts. When I said something I didn't like in his behaviour or he hurts me with his words, he gets mad, closes the door, no communication possible and I get the feeling I need to say sorry, I do so. I feel like I am in the wrong, I don't want to lose him and try even harder to make things fine. To the point he doesn't need to take responsibility.

-one time is was so done, i told him he can't deal with feedback/criticism and he does as stated above. He seems to get me and accept is. (That was a pleasant surprise!) And the next morning, I saw at his body language something was wrong, I asked and he said "I thought about our conversation from yesterday and I want to break up."

I said thankyou, thankyou for proving my point. This is exactly what you do. Then he said again he wants to break up and I said, I also want that, the he hugged me and we stayed together.

- he has lost several jobs because there was criticism on his work. He just didn't show up the next day.

- he is watching a lot of redpill content. Like interviews with andrew tate and freshandfit on YouTube. He takes over their languages.

- he has aggression problems. He punctured all 4 tires of the car from his roommate because that guy didn't clean in the house. After repeatedly asking and telling, he said I don't get the respect I deserve, so he needs to feel then. There are more instances were he got physically aggressive with people, I would rather not tell.

- he has different standards for himself and for me. I asked him how long he would need when he told me he didn't want to talk for a time, he couldn't give me a time.

Last phone call he asked me how much time do you need to decided if you want your stuff back, I said I don't know. Not in the best state of mind to make a decision. Then he pushed and said things like ohh come on, you can think, don't make it so hard.

- he straight up laughs at me when I am being vulnerable. " don't be so so emotional " and "you are delusional " are things he said.

- In our last week together I told him I am insecure about my boobs because I am losing weight. He said well it is more important to be healthy. Then the next morning in bed, he hold my boobs and jokingly said with a sad face only 2 boobs. I said 2 is perfect!! (Because 2 hands..)

Then he said, your boobs aren't perfect...

He didn't understand why I got a little mad and upset, I shouldn't react so emotionally.

- he has a weed addiction, in the past alcohol abuse and there were times he watched porn everyday.

- multiple times when I asked if we could meet for the weekend he said I don't know, I asked then do you have plans. No bit mabye something else will come up.

- I feel like he pushes me away and then will come back or I try very hard for him to take me back. I feel so anxious and confused by this.

- I stopped inviting him to my parents cause I always feel like I need to take care of him and be like a judge between them.

- everybody in my surrounding is saying this man is no good for me. Why do you want to be with him. Including his own family.

- more then one time he made me doubt my own sanity, my own intuitions and thoughts.

- he always knows everything better, we also joked about that 'I don't know anything but I do know it better' he used to say. One time we were watching a documentary about scuba diving and he was saying stuff like "they need to do it like this and that". I asked jokingly so you're a scuba diving expert now? I didn't know you ever did that. He never did.

- I felt unsafe in some situations, he displayed very reckless and self harming behaviour. I felt like I needed to be there for him in this situation, even though it went for over my boundaries. Later he said, if I behaved that way, he would just have left.

- when he dislikes something like my hair a certain way, I don't wear it like that again. He said he loved my legs shaved, so one weekend I was with him for 4 days, after 2 days I got stubbles on my legs and bought a razor to shave my legs, I showed him and he said ahh nice, then got to my foot(where there also is some hair) and said oh you didn't shave this.

He gives me a compliment and then followed by something negative.

- last time I was with him, we were together in a room, he left and I just felt like tension leaving my body. When he calls out of nowhere I get tension and light anxiety.

- he also can be very sweet, did a lot of things for me. Did put effort in changing some of his behaviour(like some communication things) and when it was right, i felt very loved by him. He made me feel things I never felt before and I also learned a lot from him. When I was with him and things were good, he made me forget the world and feel like the only women.

Now looking back, I feel like an addict who is quiting drugs. And his love and validation is my drug.

This is now on the top of my mind, mabye there are even more things but this is all ready a very long read. When I read things about traumabond/traumabased relationships and codependency I recognise a lot.

I think I can see my own unhealthy behaviour and I take responsibility for it. I want to change and heal, that is why I am in therapy.

But this all takes so much space in my mind, I wish he could just see what I am telling him but I know I can't force that, it has to come from someone on his own.