It's been almost two years since my divorce, April 2022. Looking back, it feels like no time has past overall, as if it's still a recent thing, as if her leaving just happened. However, each individual day, especially the ones at the beginning, seemed to take forever. I remember those first few months, it seemed the longest time of my life even though it really was basically just a summer.

The first two months, when she was overseas 'needing time to think' (ie having an affair and not telling me) I was devastated. It was on my mind literally every second, every conversation I had, every show I watched, it didn't matter. I would be talking to people, and it would be running in the back ground of my mind. Made almost impossible to do anything.

I couldn't eat, at all. I got those microwave premade meals, most were about 550 calories, and I would have to spend over half an hour each day forcing it down forkful by forkful. My body just didn't refused to eat. I'm 6'0, and I went from 187 lbs to 133 lbs over these two months. I couldn't sleep, was constantly worried, could barely hang out with my friends. I'd have to leave early for almost everything, as I just couldn't 'stay still'. Most of my days were spent in house we had just bought together to raise a family, pacing back and forth, talking to myself and praying she would come home. I also lost more than half my hair over the stress during this, and looked just so sickly. I guess this would be the 'denial' stage of grieving, try desperately to pretend everything would be fine when I knew inside it wasn't.

A few days before she came back, I found out about the affair, and when she came home, she only gathered the bare essentials before leaving to stay live with a friend. She said she wanted to get everything over with as fast as possible so she could go back to be with her affair partner. She said she would think about, but she didn't think she'd change her mind about leaving America.

Knowing about the affair actually in a way I guess made it better? I was still thinking about what to do almost every day, but knowing what the issue was rather than suspecting at least gave clarity and focus.

I was dumb during this point, and should have either (and this is the right answer) took advantage of her desire to leave quickly and give her the bare minimum to leave me alone, or been a difficult and force her to talk to me to get anything done if I wanted to try to keep us together (probably never an option)

I guess this was my bargaining phase, I gave her what she wanted in the divorce, more than I needed too, in the hopes she would talk to me eventually if I was helpful and kept open communications. I knew she wouldn't actually go overseas, as she often had unrealistic ideas she would go all in on for a few months before giving up. Previously in our marriage she had tried to be a twitch streamer, then a youtube/instagram vlogger, then an esports commentator, and even a marathon runner. All were basically dropped as it just wasn't realistic.

I was still thinking almost every second of the situation. Going over what I should be doing, and going over the infidelity, it rattled around constantly. I still wasn't eating great, and still was missing my hair. I at least managed to put back on about 10 lbs.

After two months of that, she had gotten about as much money out of the divorce as she could and she started a new job. She cut off any in-person contact and said she didn't want to talk about anything. I kept trying to keep up continue communications. I knew after starting a job and her starting to realize it wasn't really feasible to just go overseas, she'd probably seek out a new guy, and I was trying to stay not just 'give space' as that's a whole nother topic of bad advice.

I did this by reaching out over all the non-asset divorce stuff we still had to untangle. She wouldn't talk to me, but I tried to once a week get her to talk about our phone bill, insurance, bank accounts, her stuff in our house, etc, but she just ignored it all and eventually blocked after two months with nothing being resolved.

I guess this was still the bargaining stage. My hope was fading that our marriage could be saved as she pulled more and more away. As I was just sending an email once a week, I started to think less of her. It went from every second to just throughout the day. Sometimes I could do things and have her and the divorce not running 100% in the background.

I started putting back on some weight, and growing some hair back.

After blocking me, I gave up and spent four months just working on myself. I got a fever dream to join the Marines, and started training for that. I ended up getting accepted and passing the physical tests, but the week before I signed the paperwork, she came back to the house unnannouced to get her stuff. Said she wasn't going back overseas anymore (surpise) and she was dating someone she had met at work (also surprise) and they were moving in together so now she had space to put her stuff, and that she had filed for divorce and I'd get the paperwork soon. (It had been a full year at this point since she went overseas)

Kinda threw me into a bit of a depression spiral. Before I was basically ignoring the fact it was over as it was a quiet whimper, and I was able to more or less function with a goal. I wasn't happy or anything, but functional.

Ended up in a bad place after that, as I really had to process that it was over and I wouldn't see her again and our family was officially done. I didn't join the Marines. With where my head was, it didn't feel a good decision. I guess this would be the depression side of it. Sought out some therapy for the first time, did it for about 10 weeks, didn't help a ton. It was nice to have someone to talk too about, as my friends checked out back in stage 2, and here we were in stage 5. Mostly wanted me to hate my ex, and did a deep dive on my marriage as she felt it must not have been as good as I thought it was. In the end, she couldn't really help me find the point things were bad prior to the affair.

But at this point, I guess I've been in stage 6 for the last 6 months or so. It's different than before. I'm not sure I would call it better. Talking to my therapist, she tried to say I was doing better than when it first happened. The thing was, I was probably way more stressed and anxious at the start, but I also felt more, because I had some hope. Since then, it's just been depression.

I go to work, I work out, I keep my house clean, I see my friends during the week and go out and socialize on the weekends. I try to do my old hobbies. None of it brings me any joy. I don't think of her every second like I used too, but she still runs through my head daily. I still get dreams every now and then, but many nights I can fall asleep without her entering my mind, when before it literally would never leave and I'd just have to pass out from exhaustion.

But it's been a very empty feeling. I started trying dating again in September, been out with 4 women, all (for various reasons) been pretty meh experience.

Maybe it gets better someday. It's certainly different than stress that almost killed me, but I wouldn't call it great. And I think my last step is accepting that it might not be great again. I still get some panic attacks, not so much about her being gone, but that my chance is gone to have that life I used to have.

And it might be. I feel like a man who lost a leg. Before, I was worried about them cutting off, and desperate to do whatever I could to keep it, even as it had gangrene. Now, the limbs been cut off, but I sit in bed worrying about how I can't do the things I used too. I need to accept that's true, life is worse now, but find a way to be happy with the lower ceiling I still have.