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[–]bethatsocialguy 6 points7 points8 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Being feminine can bring in the masculine energy in a guy. Do not look for the quick solution. It is going to be in the way you carry yourself, act, respond, etc
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you for your response! Granted it’s only my own subjective view, but I’ve always thought of myself as quite feminine - though I suppose there are different kinds, and I’d like to have more of a seductive femininity (vs the sweet and proper type, which I have). I know it’s going to take time to learn, practice, and internalize - but I’d at least like to find the proper tools to help me along. 😊
[–]norwegiandoggo 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
How do you try to initiate sex?
Did he always have a low interest in sex or is this a more recent thing?
Is he on SSRIs or other libido-reducing meds? Did you gain weight since you started dating?
I'm going to guess that "more seductive behavior" is not the issue here. I think something else is going on. He can't even put his finger on it - meaning he's either in denial about how to really fix it or he doesn't know how to fix it. Could be he has a low sex drive in general, or he's just not that attracted to you and this could be due to your behavior or appearance - hard to tell.
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I would normally dress in lingerie with a silky robe over it and try to engage him by getting close, sitting on his lap, kissing him, keeping eye contact while touching his chest/arms while we talk - then I generally wait for him to make a move/show a positive reaction because sometimes he won’t want to take it further, in which case I’d back off.
He definitely has an interest in sex (I won’t go into the details publicly for his privacy, but if it would help, I can discuss via pm if you don’t mind 🙏) - but circumstances have to be right (stress levels, mood, how enticing the partner can be, etc.) He’s mentioned that the women who entice him have a “switch” into bedroom mode, and there’s a clear change from their normal persona to their sensual one.
He’s on antidepressants but supposedly it’s a certain type that doesn’t affect libido. He also had a healthy sex life before me, though most were short-term/casual so the initial excitement of getting to know someone might have helped. My weight hasn’t changed since we started dating.
You may be right in that the seductive behavior is not the real issue, but through our communication and me reassuring him that I wouldn’t be offended by anything he told me, and that I just want to do what I can on my part to improve the situation, this is the best lead I have.
Anyway thank you so much for the insightful questions, I’ll give them more thought!
[–]Kograd 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Sounds like quite an intimate/romantic way of initiating sex, try a slutty angle. Women tend to respond to quite loving and intimate sex but that doesn’t always get our blood pumping.
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Acting slutty is definitely something I will need to work on. Thank you for the suggestion!
[–]norwegiandoggo 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Okay so he's on antidepressants, which usually do affect libido considerably but I'm not familiar with all of them. However, the fact that he is on antidepressants indicates to me that he's suffering with his mental health somehow right? Either anxiety or depression..and those mental health challenges are in of themselves likely to largely reduce his interest in sex.
There's nothing wrong with your approach or behavior as far as I can tell. I think it's a combination of mental health problems + medication use that's causing his general disinterest in sex. Could also be physical health issues. Mental health and physical health are related. I think the best cure is regular vigorous workouts, if that's not something he is already doing. But if he's not already doing that, it's really hard to get a partner to change.
You can PM me if you want.
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I would say from your other answers that the issue is not on your side. Its stress level + anti-depressant is probably a reason for it.
Keep on communicating with him, ask him what would please him.
How old are you and your partner ? (The situation is probably different if you are in your 20s or in your 50s)
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Hi, thank you for stopping by to comment!
Depression and stress definitely affect sex drive, however I know for a fact that my partner was quite a playboy/sexually adventurous before me, and he’s been on antidepressants for a long time - putting two and two together, I can’t help but think it’s me who still contributes to a considerable part of the problem.
I’ve asked him to teach/guide me in the bedroom, suggest activities that he would like, make me aware of what turns him on/off - but he can’t quite formulate anything solid. He says it’s more of an attitude, and that one could probably learn more about it through some resources online (which is why I’m here, haha).
We’re in our late-20s/early-30s.
I’ll try to keep communicating!
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think your issue isn't you but your partner: You are trying hard to make it work, but he doesn't. He even isn't communicating clearly and send you on the net to seek random advices.
Everyone is different in bed. Some like very submissive partners, some more dominant... some when women initiate, some don't... some like some stuff, some don't. Internet won't give you better clues without knowing him. He is having them.
The worst is he is experienced from what you said. It is not like you were his 1st partner and he didn't have before the opportunity to communicate.
does he really find you attractive? Or is he afraid or commitment?
A part of me sometimes thinks that (that I’m the only one trying in regards to our sex life), but another part of me genuinely thinks he’s stumped and can’t put a finger on what is missing for him to feel aroused by me.
From what I can gather from our conversations, he does find me attractive (or did at one point), but as we got closer emotionally and more comfortable with each other, he started losing sexual attraction. There are moments when he does find me attractive, but it’s not enticing enough for him to want to have sex.
I’ve asked him if this has happened with his previous relationships, and he says it depends on the person - whether they have that “switch” - if they can go from the persona that he became comfortable with, to a whole different personality (a sensual/seductive one, I’m guessing?) in the bedroom. (I’ve already suggested roleplay - he doesn’t think it would help.)
As for commitment - I don’t think that’s a problem. Neither of us wants to marry/have children, and he’s voluntarily introduced me to his friends and family. We’ve even talked about moving in together a few times, but have held off because of this very issue.
[–][deleted] 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
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[–]IntelligentUnion9322 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I haven’t tried bodystockings, but will definitely check them out~ Thank you as well for the other great ideas! 🤍 I def need more practice in the “teasing” and “tempting” areas.
[–][deleted] 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you! This is so encouraging, it means a lot. I appreciate this, and I appreciate you. ☺️
[–]Notascoutstillag 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Do you guys ever massage each other? I feel like this is an awful suggestion with the whole Epstein drama lmao but it’s really easy to go from casual to super sexy fast (or slow if that’s what would excite him more)and helps to relax before hand. Also give you the opportunity to climb on top of him without putting any expectations on him initially.
How do you feel about sending racy pictures? Sometimes it’s about getting him aroused when he can’t have it and giving him something to think about while he has to wait.
Some guys like it when women talk like sluts or it can be a super turn off, find out which he is and even if you feel super uncomfortable at first, you don’t have to say thing you don’t mean, lol just tell him what you want/have been thinking about/etc outright if he’s that kind of guy.
I know personal, but you asked, do you suck his dick before he fucks you?
Hi, thanks for dropping in with these really great suggestions!
Massage: I’ve tried it and he doesn’t like it. It’s either too ticklish or painful. I’m pretty confident in my massage skills (exes/friends have requested them frequently) so it’s unlikely that I’m just doing it wrong, otherwise I would have brushed up and tried again.
Racy pictures: Also tried, didn’t get much of a reaction. He said something like, “lol I’m at work”… and that was that. 😭
Dirty talk: I do need more practice here! I’ve done light dirty talk during sex, but normally too shy outside of the bedroom. Will def work on this/find out if it’s something that he likes~
BJ: Yes. Not always, depending on how fast things are going - sometimes it goes pretty quickly to intercourse, but most of the time I give oral before and/or in the middle.
[–]Notascoutstillag 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Girl, sounds like it’s a him problem, not a you problem. Good luck!
I’m aware that all of this is just from my own POV, with my own biases and often we can’t see our own faults - so I’m just trying to have an open mind and see where I might need improvement too. Thank you so much for the luck! 🤍
[–]AloofusMaximus 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
So I'm a big believer in sex drive mismatch, is a huge source of strife in relationships. IE it's NEVER going to work out if you two are too far apart. People don't like to admit this for whatever reason.
We as humans also have a need for novelty, that applies to sex and partners too. Again this is something almost nobody actually wants to admit.
So what is the actual dead bedroom scenario, like he just goes to sleep rather than doing anything sexual? Is he doing a lot of self service/porn?
What things are you doing that he's rebuffing?
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago* (5 children) | Copy Link
Hello! Thank you for responding :) My partner has a pretty healthy sex drive (likely higher than mine). Mine is simply more pronounced now because I’m the sex-seeking partner in this dynamic. He enjoys sex, but doesn’t find it pleasurable with me - he doesn’t understand it all that well either but from what I understand, it’s a mix of emotional familiarity/lack of a seductive quality on my part. He often calls me “cute” - even when I’m trying to be sexy, it’s like that image for him is set, and it isn’t arousing.
I do agree with you about novelty. Even as a woman I see the appeal, and I can’t speak for men (or for all women, even) but I believe that some trade-off in excitement/novelty (via different sex partners) is worth it if you have a monogamous partner who is willing to explore and grow with you emotionally/sexually/intellectually. This is true for me, anyway. :)
What the dead bedroom scenario looks like: We’ve been together for a bit over a year, and for the first month we had sex about once/week, then for the next 2 months it was about once every 2-3 weeks. Then it became once every other month, and the last time we had sex was last July.
Ever since he told me he doesn’t enjoy sex with me, I’ve been afraid to full-on come onto him. I’ve tried to make out with him at most, but he’d often follow it up with a sigh and “I’m tired”, and it never gets past that.
I have no doubt that he loves me, and finds me attractive (at least sometimes), but I’m just really, really confused about the rest. Thank you for reading through all that, this got so long!
[–]AloofusMaximus 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
So that doesn't sound to me like he had a healthy sex drive.
By comparison I'm going to be 40 next month and I have sex multiple times per week. Going 6 months without sex when you've been together a year is a HUGE flag to me.
One possibly is that he does not find you physically attractive, despite what he says. I have never called any of my ladies cute when I'm about to get them naked. At the very least even if he's a bit "bored" with your sex life he's being a shitty lover by not being attentive to your needs.
Though I have to ask are you keeping up with yourself physically? This applies for both of you, people often "let themselves go". Though it does sound like you're eager to have sex with him.
So I think you're going to need to make a tough decision here. You're going to have to open up the relationship, and have your sexual needs met elsewhere (I'm non mono, so see that as a legit option). Love him, fuck someone else if you need to. Another option is swinging/swaps in that vein.
The other option is to find someone more sexually compatible with you. Which is what I'd be more inclined to do if I were you. Only being together a little over a year and you're already having these massive intimacy issues... Doesn't bode well in my view.
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Ah, I should have clarified - he had a healthy sex drive in his previous relationships. Many of them were short-lived, and I’m aware of at least one instance where he had a one-sided polyamorous situation (he was seeing multiple girls (who knew about each other), but they were monogamous to him). He’s had a lot of experience sexually (in numbers and frequency), which is why I said his sex drive is higher than mine in general.
Not having sex for 6 months has been really worrisome for me as well, but 1) our relationship has been really sweet outside of sex 2) my partner has depression and 3) work has been more stressful compared to when we first met, so I keep telling myself that somehow it’ll pass, and things will improve, and he’s doing his best…
As for keeping up physically, I weigh the same as when we met. I wear makeup less frequently as we’re staying in more, but I still groom myself and dress well during the day/when we go out. I get the impression that he’s more turned off by the way I act/carry myself, which is more cute than sensual (hence the topic of this post).
Polyamory isn’t for me, unfortunately. The logical part of me agrees with you, that I should find someone more sexually compatible with me, but my heart doesn’t want to let go without exhausting every possible solution. We’re really compatible in other aspects and are emotionally attached, so I fear I’d regret it if I didn’t try my best.
Anyway, thank you for the valuable input! We can be biased in our own perspectives/experiences, so I’m always curious to know what other people (particularly men) think about my situation.
[–]AloofusMaximus 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
previous relationships. Many of them were short-lived,
Have you ever stopped to think about why that may be?
So I definitely understand the depression angle, being in that rut is extremely shitty. The unfortunate part is that you can't really help him out of that. If he's trying to do it with meds alone, I'd recommend he tries some therapy too (with a psychologist).
I suspect he has quite a few things to work out, depression is only a part of it.
I get the impression that he’s more turned off by the way I act/carry myself, which is more cute than sensual
Yeah I mean I suppose that's possible, but I'm not so sure. I've not dated women due to their personality, but it wasn't a sexual turnoff. Like your behavior would have to be so egregiously annoying to be an actual turnoff, I doubt that's it.
Instead I think you perhaps need to start taking the lead more in sexual stuff. Though I think you said you've tried that and he isn't having it.
Sex is the difference between a romantic and platonic relationship. Sounds like you have a friend, not a lover.
[–]IntelligentUnion9322 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Re: short-lived relationships, I kind of just chalked it up to being young and wanting to play the field, and the challenges from depression.
I’ve tried to talk to him about seeing a psychologist, but it’s like trying to force together repelling magnets. Otherwise that would be a promising route…
Ahah, I promise I’m not egregiously annoying - I don’t mean turned off as in “that’s unattractive”, but more like “aw I want to cuddle you, not make love to you”.
Yeah, throwing myself at him abruptly doesn’t work - he’s mentioned being alluring/seductive throughout the day to build sexual tension, and that that would help - but also that I’m just not very good at that. So that’s one of the things I’m trying to figure out if I can learn and practice.
“Sex is the difference between a romantic and platonic relationship.” - Sadly true, and I don’t intend to wait forever… I just want to see if with enough effort and some patience, things can change.
[–]AloofusMaximus 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don’t mean turned off as in “that’s unattractive”, but more like “aw I want to cuddle you, not make love to you”.
So have you ever heard of the Madonna/whore complex? It's basically an unhealthy view that some guys get.. that there "pure" and "whore" types of women. Rather than being able to see a woman they love as having a sexual side, they kind of ignore it. Sounds like your guy might have some of that going on.
You're not good at what, being suggestive? It's really not that hard. Misinterpret something he says sexually, use innuendo, imply things. You can turn almost anything sexual, and I'm sure you've used your "sultry voice" once or twice. And don't worry about if it's corny. He says "what do you want for dinner" you can say something like "oh there's something I'd like to eat".
Seriously as cringy as it might sound, I couldn't tell you how many times I've said something like "bad girls get spanked" and she loved it.
So as a last ditch effort... I think you might need to try bringing out your inner femdom, you might have some fun with it! Now this isn't throwing yourself at him, it's commanding him. Can't say I have much experience with it, but could be worth a shot.
[–]KeyboardOperator 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Tell him to get his Test levels checked. His libido is probably shot
That’s a good idea - he’s mentioned that he got it checked before, but didn’t say how long ago that was. Will suggest this again at a good time. Thank you!
[–]JacobMoogberg69 -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
You are not going to like what I have to say, but it works like this. A man's sex drive increase the longer he goes without sex. A woman's sex drive decreases the longer she goes without sex. And inversely, the more a man has sex wjth the same woman, the more his sex drive decreases. For a woman it's the opposite. The more sex she has, the hornier she gets.
The only way to get your man back is to introduce some variety into your sex life and yes, that means other women.
[–]Notascoutstillag 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is simply not true 😂 Name checks out though
[–]JacobMoogberg69 -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm afraid you are wrong.
Hi Jacob! Thank you, I appreciate your viewpoint and can definitely see the logic in it. I have no doubt polyamory works well for many couples when both parties are agreed - however, I personally don’t want that for myself.
If my partner slept with other women, it would be my interest (both emotional and sexual) going to the grave.
Of course if that is what he needed and he told me this, I would earnestly wish him well and let him go - regardless of how much I love him, I wouldn’t be loving myself by forcing myself to accept a lifestyle that’s emotionally damaging for me. So I’d like to explore other options that don’t involve polygamy.
Still, I know what you said applies to many people so thank you for the suggestion!
[–]H8beingmale 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
i assume you are in your 20s
Late 20s/early 30s
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