Okay, boys and girls, let me tell you about the time I got to use the worst pickup line in my life, and got into a HOT makeout session with 1 of potentially two ladies available to play with on the line. It's a lesson in humility, as for all the rediculous stories we get here about tips, tricks, how to feel confident, and what folks say is like some kind of cheat code to get into a girl's panties, as if any of that shit works.

Part 1 of the evening's events begins at a Dave and Busters... I had 3 shots and a beer, made a kid cry in Guitar Hero and we left in literally 5 minutes. That's the TL;DR version - every time I tell the tale it's with music and acting. Y'all get it abridged.

Part 2 was at a superbar with a monster truck DJ booth, a mechanical bull, at a place where 10-Gallon hats, spur boots and line dancers were going at it to Brittney Spears the same way they danced to Li'l John's "yeah."

Listen. As a brown dude from the city, that was NOT my place, but the mans came that evening with a fresh cut and a really nice shirt. 3 Yagerbombs, 2 cherry bombs and a generous helping of a 42 oz. family sized "Fuckit Bucket," had me feeling myself where I stuck out like a sore thumb and whatever eyes I had, were... Well idk what was going on with me. I had NO game at this time in my life.

Dudes and dudettes - seduction was not yet a part of my life, I still felt myself an ugly duckling, and at that time in my life I was a VERY single kind of guy. Seriously, the friends that I were with at the time were just trying to end my dry spell with any lady of the evening who looked like they had a second leg they borrowed from the Ron Jon Surf Shop, because ebay sold out all their peg legs to pirates...

I'm exaggerating here, but my friends were not being cool that night. They gave me too short notice to when I was trashed to when we had to leave, but what happened next was glorious...

They let me stay for the booty shaking contest that was about to occur to which I had to sober up to in too short a time. So I began asking the bartenders for water. They gave me 6 oz. plastic cups, y'all. On the second cup, though, I don't know if I had come into an unraveling situation or what I found apparated besides me after the fact, but when the tender served me the drink, what had come full frontal to our attention was two exceptionally beautiful women making out directly next to me right on top of the bar!

The one standing up making out with the other girl was a tall Amazonian princess that I couldn't have made up from my imagination. We're talking legs for people who do not like legs, and also, so very pretty.

And then a cute li'l thang sitting on the bar to my left with a short skirt and probably half my size both ways going ham on each other.

So I looked at the bartender, who acknowledges this is happening, and looks at me and gives me a shrug as if to give me the green light to go for it.

Look, y'all. I was not smooth, and I admit, I was in no position to think about anything that night. But I swear to god, I absolutely used this pickup line to them in the middle of their mac sandwich- I said

"It looks like you two need some dick."

And thus inserted myself in between them for a hedonistic moment of lick and spittle because the water was not enough to help with my booze situation.

It was hot. We were making out and it was crazy and gentlemen- I'm not proud to say it, but I wanted the little one's name and number and we were touching and kissing and I was still very lonely. She.... was not having it. So I guess I was going to just do stupid things that night right there. But she was tiny, and I figured if I was sober I could toss her over my shoulders and show her what a good time is like....

...pfft. because I knew- hardy har, har.

She then proceeds to wrap her legs around my hips and I swing her around and I DROP HER.... On her head.

This wasn't my proudest moment. I'm not telling you guys this because I love this story, I mean... I was wholly inexperienced at the time. But, yanno, I was also wayyy too drunk to be swinging anybody around anyway.

So all's I could say to this poor girl was "my friends tell me I have to leave," aaaand.... I followed them out.

Anyway. The moral of this story is sometimes game doesn't make sense. Seduction isn't easy. And that night had so many layers of wtf this shit right here starts to make a little bit of sense in context to how silly that night was. I found out years later that girl was fine after that night, but I still never got her name.

Be safe y'all and be better than me here and you can do it too!