I've been a lurker here for a bit, and done a lot of reading of the material. I've applied little bits here and there but whenever it came time to actually do something like approach a girl I think is pretty I've just said "naw it'll be awkward and I'll just say the wrong thing, fuck it." Then figured I'd just learn some more for the next situation.

In short I've been procrastinating.

Tonight though an old girlfriend came over to say goodbye before she moved out of town (been broken up like a year, ended on good terms). I haven't been hung up on her or anything, but when we got together I felt a lot of old feelings for her. I really wanted to make something happen with her one last time, but realized I have no idea what to do to make that happen. I basically waited for her to make some obvious sign that I could act on but she didn't and finally I blurted out something about how we should hook up but saw her facial expression (think "oh, ya no") and turned it into a joke and laughed about it.

I know you're thinking that the ex-gf thing is a whole hornets nets in its own, but this really isn't about her, it's about a realization I had about myself.

In a situation where I want to make something happen with a girl I like, I don't know what to do. I totally lack confidence in my ability to influence how others feel about me.

I've always been a "nice guy," the guy that makes jokes to avoid letting out emotions. I avoid uncomfortable situations like arguments, or any kind of putting myself out there. I use humour as a mask and keep most people in my life at arm's length. If everything's a joke I'm not really getting rejected right? It's all just a joke!

I'm 25, good looking, smart, funny, and likely have a bright future. I'm even a good salesman, and I'm fine with public speaking, so there's no reason I shouldn't be able to show all this to a cute girl in starbucks.

I know that I could be good at it if I put in the work, and I've planned to for a long time. But I've put it off until I get in a bit better shape, or finish this class, or move, or start a new job, or tomorrow. Tonight made me realize I have all these tools, but don't know how to use them. Owning a bike doesn't mean you know how to ride. What I've been doing is like saying "I'll learn to ride the bike when I know I won't fall."

I can talk to a girl next to me in line, or joke around with a girl from class, but if I want to take it past that, I'm at a loss. I've been afraid to take the risk. I feel like it's against my programming to approach a girl with the intention of getting her number.

So here I am with a fresh account posting on Seddit for the first time saying that this is something I need to do. I used to be fat, and I needed to lose weight so I could live the life I wanted, and this is exactly the same.

Is this just an emotional reaction to a bad night? Will I go back to procrastinating tomorrow? Maybe, but I don't want that.

I want to ask what I should do, what are my first steps, but I know what they are. The thing I'm most afraid of is learning to take the risk of putting my feelings out there. Saying "I like you" when I'm not sure what the answer will be scares the shit out of me.

But I know I have to fail and go through the awkward situations and come across as a creep a few times, but I can do it. I've faced other fears, so I can face this one.

Sorry for the insanely long post, but I had to put this out into the world. I'm tired of telling myself I'll do it later and then never doing it.

If you stayed this long seriously wow, thanks, if you have any advice I'd love to hear it but I know the first step is one I'll have to take on my own. Thanks Seddit for being a place I can vent this, I'll be posting a field report soon. It may not be spectacular, but at least I'll have done something.