GF has figured out my game and is not pleased ... How do I keep a good thing going?

Skitrel · 2011-02-07T22:15:39+00:00

Ello [edited], DashingPrince mentioned me, I think I can shed some light on this situation that the typical advice of this community certainly wouldn't normally give, let me explain to you the reason why first though.

What many people fail to realise when they get into the ASF community is that seduction/pua/asf/whatever term you prefer to use doesn't teach anyone the fundamentals of how to build a lasting relationship. What the teachings of these communities do is teach many different techniques(some very ethically questionable and somewhat hypocritical at times) that all work (to varying degrees of success dependent on person and skill level) great at attracting a partner.

That's fine, there's nothing wrong with that, provided it's ethical and moral - my opinion. The problem the teachings all have is that they just stop there, they teach people how to attract others, they teach them how to get them into bed and/or start a relationship, what they don't do is teach them how to keep a relationship and build it into something bigger and better.

Let me take this moment to dispel any thoughts of my stance here, I have no problem with promiscuity, monogamy, polyamory, gay, straight, anything, all of those things are down to personal preference, there's nothing wrong with that. My problem there lies with the folks that use the knowledge learned in order to bed women without their knowledge that they have no intention of anything further. That's not giving them a choice with full knowledge of the situation, that's just being a dick, guys will try to spin it as being alpha, it's not, it's just being a dick, a real man doesn't need to use women in that way, there are plenty of women that are down with promiscuity, they don't have to hurt the ones looking for more.

I felt that needed saying ... Back to where I was, pua doesn't teach how to actually hold a lasting relationship, things genuinely DO change once you get into a relationship, the same techniques are genuinely damaging at later stages of relationship life.

A relationship - a good one - is not about control or power struggles, which is what appears to be happening here, it is about give and take, it's about compromise, from both sides. It's about equality, that's what two people that genuinely care for each other do. Don't get me wrong here though, this doesn't mean that you should compromise on absolutely everything, that's just being a doormat, you compromise one what is right to compromise on, you admit positions of wrong and your partner does the same for you.

Prince, intjpua and clifton are all on the right things here, I disagree entirely with the other commenters though and I've partially explained why. You can not seek to constantly hold power at all times in a relationship, that's just going to lead to her wanting out, especially as you get further and further into a comfortable relationship. Things change as you've spent x amount of time with each other, certain behaviors become expected, things change again when you leave the honeymoon period too but you're not quite there yet so I'll leave it out for the sake of the length of this response.

What you first need to do is sit down with her and address what's pissed her off here - the pua techniques. What I suggest you do is sit down and explain to her what brought you into pua, it sounds to me like you were looking for ways to help you find and attract someone for something serious, letting her know this and telling her that you're serious about wanting this relationship to last is not a bad thing. That's called showing someone you have feelings for them. Pua will try to tell you that you shouldn't tell someone this as it shows how much you care and don't want to lose the relationship, this is wrong. It's true during the attraction stages (first few weeks) it's NOT true after 5 months. Showing how much you care for someone at this stage is endearing and romantic. You CAN be a sap and still be alpha, you can still have a strong position of masculinity that doesn't take shit while at the same time showing a girl how much you care about her. If you can make her realise that actually these techniques are similar to going to the gym (but for your social/attraction skills) and that you've been doing it to get better to keep someone like her, she'll melt.

Next up, what you need to do is stop this absolute control thing you've got going on, take things to 50/50 now, maintain your position by genuinely being busy and doing things with your own friends, don't just not see her for the sake of it now dude, that's not cool at this stage and just makes you appear to be trying to control and manipulate her, it also hurts her self esteem, in therapist terms it's actually labelled as a form of abusive relationship.

What you have to do is create balance in the relationship, you have to compromise at times and you have to stand your ground at others, you can be both alpha and accommodating - if you pull this off it's actually more attractive than being alpha and unrelenting, a guy who people view as the most valuable AND is accommodating and easy going is extremely attractive, what you should not let go of are things that put you "beneath the thumb" so to speak. Do not ditch friends for her if you've already arranged things with friends, try your hardest not to see them less as a result of the relationship, don't do less of your own stuff.. That's it really though. There's no need to hold complete power over her at your stage, the thing you need to focus on is not giving her more power than you have yourself, it's a balancing act. If you both have mutual respect for each other though it will balance itself.

Bare in mind this is just a minor hurdle in your relationship, in future you will face genuine hurdles such as differences in things you want to do, clashes in your life directions. In order to make a relationship work in those circumstances sacrifices genuinely have to be made, pua will teach you that you should just ditch a relationship because of differences when that happens, on the surface that sounds like good advice but it is genuinely NOT. I challenge anyone to show me a relationship that has lasted where the couple have not had to compromise significantly for one another in order to make things work. This is called caring for each other, it is not a show of weakness to compromise because you'd like to keep the relationship over (insert difference here) it just shows you actually care more about the relationship than your difference.

Hmm, I could probably word that last part better but this is getting obnoxiously long now and I've got significant work to be getting on with. I hope this will suffice.

Best of luck to you.

EDIT: Removed identifying username at request of OP after receiving permission to post and linkback for blog article.

ThrowawayPUA · 2011-02-07T05:36:15+00:00

As long as she wants more power in the relationship, everything will work out fine (for you at least). Once you're equals, that's when all the problems begin. Don't even think of her as a "second in command" and FFS don't use that sort of language directly to her face.

As long as she wants more, she'll do almost anything to get it. Give her what she says she wants, and watch her attraction fade.

intjpua · 2011-02-07T05:52:37+00:00

You know the answer already.

Though, I would caution, as Throwaway mentioned, that you never explain the power balance, or put her in her place in your conversations. Saying, "No problem, baby, 50/50." or even, "You the boss, darlin'." or "You're the brains of this here operation, I'm just the muscle." is fine...as long as you're still setting the terms of the relationship.

Also, there's nothing wrong with opening up, being a sensitive caring sort of boyfriend. But, make no mistake that the killer of attraction is when you let her get you under her thumb. A lot of the stuff she's talking about is her testing to see if you're weak enough to succumb to it...women can't help themselves. They always have to test the mettle of their men, and they can't do it with brute strength, so they do it with Jedi mind tricks and subtle subjugation to their whims.

2011-02-07T18:17:10+00:00

I guess the real question is how much do you want to be in the relationship? Are you willing to let her walk away if she wants a 50/50 share of power and compromise?

The way I see it, seduction is about generating attraction and being comfortable with yourself. A relationship requires compromise at some level.

FLPUA · 2011-02-07T05:48:38+00:00

This really belongs in relationship advice subreddit, but I'll have at it.

This is kind of like a shit test, blow it and she won't respect you. Do what you feel comfortable doing, and what you think is right. This situation should be characterized in a one-itis reference frame. The difference is you've chosen to go down the LTR path, you've set your boundaries and you know what you want. It's up to you to waiver, but it shouldn't be to make her feel better. It should be for the good of both of you. If she can't handle the boundaries you've set up, you need to move on. There are plenty of girls who will respect your decisions. The abundance mentality is an incontrovertible approach to curing one-itis, which you so clearly are succumbing to.

I wonder if it would be a good idea for me to actively be more vulnerable or be more accommodating of her requests for my time and attention.

This is not a good idea. If you want to spend more time with her, do it. If you want to trust her more, do it. Otherwise, don't do it; especially not for her benefit.

2011-02-07T21:16:41+00:00

What is important is what she thinks your INTENT was in the situation. If you are spending time apart because you are really busy with work/school etc. that is fine with her. Now she knows that you are partly doing it to keep her interested, she feels played.

EDIT: I've sent a friend (who was a professional pua, and is now setting up his own business, combining pua and relationship skills) a link to this.

Pinkypie · 2011-02-07T19:25:04+00:00

This really hits close to home for me because my bf does it as well and I actually feel the same way about it as your girlfriend does. Like someone else said, don't do it. I'm pretty sure if you continue doing this it will ultimately end things.

Title	GF has figured out my game and is not pleased ... How do I keep a good thing going?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	15
Date	February 7, 2011 5:20 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/fgoah/gf_has_figured_out_my_game_and_is_not_pleased_how/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/gf-has-figured-out-my-game-and-is-not-pleased-how.1315374 https://theredarchive.com/post/1315374

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