Making a gal feel comfortable

TheLotusEater · 2011-02-16T02:06:34+00:00

So I've been gaming this chick for a while (well there's some debate as to who's gaming who), and for the past couple of days...

So I've been gaming this chick for a while (well there's some debate as to who's gaming who), and for the past couple of days I've been having some random email exchanges with her. I send her some goofy cat photo, she laughs, we have our banter, no big deal... I'm just trying to keep things light and fun.

So I ask her to go out for drinks with me... I tell her I'm going to bring my sock puppets and put on a show for her there. She laughs, whatever...

So the day of comes and I ask her if she's going with me to the bar. She says, "Actually, I'm leaving now, but I was planning on getting some friends together on Thursday for bar fun and I hope you'll come along. You can bring your sock puppets and entertain all of us, lol."

I think that she is either A) friend-zoned me or B) is slightly uncomfortable at the thought of being alone with me. So I'm wondering what I can say to put her at ease and get to be slightly adventurous and come out to have a good time with me. I sent her a follow up email after her reply: "I mean, I mainly wanted to go out for a couple drinks with you because I’m interested in learning more about YOU. :) But if you’re not interested in that and would rather just do the group thing, that’s OK. I can understand. Well, I’m out for the day… Cya later." -- I capitalized YOU to indicate that I wanted to get to know HER and not the other people there, in case that wasn't obvious.

That reply has left me thinking I could have done a lot better. I've been thinking about it and this is what I've come up with: "uhm I hope I didn't sound like a prick there... Don't get me wrong, <guy#1> and <guy#2> and those guys are cool guys and fun to hang out with. But I know all I need to about them. You however, I find interesting in a funny / dorky sort of way..."

First, I really don't want to give her the impression that I don't like the group... I do. Secondly, I want to be clear that I'm interested in learning more about her. Lastly, she's pretty high on herself, so I though a little teasing or disqualifying might help. She's a 7-7.5 but thinks she's a solid 8.5.

Thoughts? Oh and also... Should I go out with the group?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points 15 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

Oh, noes. She's the one who brought her friends into the equation, so you should've inferred that's how she preferred it. She's giving you the choice of playing along and attending (you still have plenty of opportunity to build attraction and isolate her in that environment) or pussying out. Then you had to go writing an email about how this is a problem for you. Nooo.

I mean, I mainly wanted to go out for a couple drinks with you because I’m interested in learning more about YOU. :) But if you’re not interested in that and would rather just do the group thing, that’s OK. I can understand....

You don't sound like a prick; you're spending several sentences on the whole issue of wanting to be alone with her, which is bordering on supplication. If she'd friend-zoned you, you just dug yourself deeper. If she was uncomfortable with the idea of being alone with you, you just escalated the pressure.

DON'T follow up before you hear back from her. Also, why are you so set on telling her how interesting she is and how much you want to get to know her? Do not give her an opportunity to judge your motives! When in doubt, she will round down.

Reframe and and make yourself attractive to her without prodding her into complying with your ideal setup. BE COOL with the situation she throws at you. Attractive guys can improvise, adapt, and be sexy while doing it. Be that guy. Bring your friends if you think it'll help get her girlfriends to warm up to you.

[–]TheLotusEater 0 points1 point2 points 15 years ago* (11 children) | Copy Link

I just seems like it would be easier for me to be somewhat open about what it is I'm looking for. I mean, we've been flirting with each other off and on for a loooong time now (a little back story - I feel I had a decent chance with this girl about a month ago but lost the tension by not escalating when I should have). I'm not going to profess my undying love for her or anything, I just thought it would build attraction to let her know that I find her intriguing in some way. Her friends are my coworkers, so there's no need to bring anyone else along. Her friends are already warmed up to me.

Anything I can say, or do, beyond not saying or doing anything that will smooth the situation over?

I swear to god, everytime I email this chick and post what I did on seddit it turns out I made some kind of fatal error. lol - Just when I think I'm starting to figure this stuff out! lol

EDIT: Maybe I should just follow up with something like, "Then again, we usually have a pretty good time hanging out with those guys, so that's cool."

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago* (10 children) | Copy Link

[E]verytime I email this chick and post what I did on seddit it turns out I made some kind of fatal error.

Haha. I think this is because your attitude regarding seduction appears to be totally off the mark. I see where you're going: you've got your eye on the prize. You want a shortcut to isolating her, so you can get things moving, so to speak. The problem is, there is no shortcut. If she throws an obstacle in the road, your task is to get past it with irresistible finesse, not to create an issue of it. If you're interested and dexterous, you'll do it and look good doing it.

Telling a girl the reason you want to go out with her is beyond redundant. Of course she knows you're into her, else you wouldn't be talking to her, let alone asking her to get drinks. You're throwing her a bone she's already eaten. Amirite? Girls aren't dense. Wasting words in this fashion doesn't build attraction. Once you have her attention (which you've had for a while, evidently), your number one goal should be to actively engage her in such a way that she doesn't even have to ponder whether she wants to hang out with you one-on-one. None of this includes discussing social dynamics with her over a meta email exchange, and most of it involves showing her what a great time you can have together, no matter what the circumstances may be. You should never be asking a girl to tweak the setup for your sake; it's tantamount to admitting you need a crutch in order to maneuver the frame into your favor so you can get what you want faster. And it reveals that you have ulterior motives. Do you see how that's not attractive to women, let alone to anyone?

Edit: Omg. I repeat, DO NOT email her again, until you hear from her. Seriously, DON'T. If you write her again, it's going to seem like all you've done between then and now is agonize over whether she'll be cool with your stipulation. Remember, you're a dude that can deal with whatever comes your way. This means, whether she complies or stands by her original suggestion, you can shrug and say, sure, that works, because you're a confident guy who can have fun with anyone. RELAX. And let her respond.

[–]TheLotusEater 0 points1 point2 points 15 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

OK Thanks for the advice.

You know a growing part of me doesn't even give a shit anymore. This girl is a known flake, and has repeatedly teased and then pulled away at the last minute. I understand this is in large part due to a glaring deficiency in my game but at this point, I sort of just want to blow her off. I said, "Drinks?" She said 'This week!' to which I said, "OK tomorrow at H&H" to which she laughed and said some stuff but didn't really say "yes". So today when I ask her if she's going with me her response was "go with you where?" -- And then "Oh Thursday with yada yada yada" -- I just feel like telling her to take a hike like, but I don't know how... Since you like snubbing me so much I'll just find something else to do with my evening, thanks anyway though! lol That probably wouldn't have the desired effect though.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago* (8 children) | Copy Link

That probably wouldn't have the desired effect though.

Correct, because expending energy to tell her you're upset with her for snubbing you and telling her you're punishing her by not hanging out with her is showing you're bent out of shape over the whole thing. You're not even punishing her, because she's the one who snubbed you first. The only one who appears to lose is you. This behavior would be considered DLV because it suggests you don't have better options readily available to you. You do have better options, so quit acting like you don't. If you're tired of dealing with this girl, simply disengage. Drop the email exchange altogether: flake on Thursday, delete her email address, do whatever you want. But do not use your words to tell her you are punishing her. Never be passive agressive. It's bitchy, and no girl wants to date a bitch.

Turn your attentions to something else, and mean it. This means, stop paying attention to her and open your approach to the thousands (or whatever) of exquisite and unique women you brush past on a daily basis. And, really, stop paying attention to her. Not because you want to elicit a particular response, but because she's not the kind of girl you feel like wasting time with. At least for now.

P.S. You're welcome!

Edit: For future reference, and so people don't get pissed, you should probably post items like this in /r/AskSeddit, since you're effectively asking a question.

[–]TheLotusEater 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 15 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]TheLotusEater 0 points1 point2 points 15 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

Man, I got to tell you... Last night was fucking awesome. The bit of advice that you gave that I kept in my head the whole time was, BE COOL. I actually saw the text in my head a couple times, and that made all the difference in the world.

Not only did this chick respond very favorable to me (told me I was cute indirectly, and kept on dropping hints that she was home alone and BORED - hello?), but the rest of my coworkers who were there were picking up on the positive vibes I was sending as well. It was really nice, toward the end of the night, to have everyone come up to me to shake my hand and say goodnight before leaving.

At one point I had two cute girls I was talking to about music and instruments I play and they were both leaning into me, totally charmed. It was fucking great. Regardless of what this girl I'm into thinks of me, I had a great time, and I'm looking forward to doing it again soon.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 15 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]TheLotusEater 0 points1 point2 points 15 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

So I'm wondering, because she's so bored alone at home if I should give her my number and tell her to call me sometime if she wants to go out for some fun? I can see how this might be an AFC move, so I'm not sure... I don't want to appear desperate or anything.

What do you think? Would it be smarter to wait (ugh) for her to ask for it?

EDIT: The more I think about it the more I feel that this would seem needy. I just don't know though. The flip side might be that she really wants to go out and by offering my number I'm giving her an opportunity to hang out with me; and of course, she'd be the one asking, so I'd be in the position to either accept or deny her request.

EDIT again: I could do something bold too... I could leave a note on her car that says something like "Your smile is an invitation to make my imagination run wild" - now this might be seen as an AFC move at first, but her sister left a note on her car that said something along the lines of, "you're soooo beautiful, we should go out sometime" and this girl immediately called me to find out if I was the one who left it. She didn't believe me and started trying to get me to admit it by sounding very sexy over the phone... She may like this kind of thing? Although, my gut tells me that this is a better thing to do AFTER we've already hooked up.

[–][deleted]2 points 15 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]TheLotusEater1 point 15 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

DO NOT EVER leave a note on a girl's car unless you are dating her exclusively. Coming from anyone but a boyfriend or husband, this is stalker behavior. Do. Not. Do. This. Ever.

haha - that was my gut reaction too... Glad I decided not to.

Roger on the abundance mentality stuff... I do have several leads, it's just that I've been into this girl for a while now, and things are starting to heat up again. I'd like to hook up with her, but I don't want to take things too slowly because that's how things died down last time. I didn't escalate enough, and she gave me the cold shoulder because of it.

Well it's been 4 days since we went out... I guess I've waited long enough. I'll just start a conversation with her and see where it leads. I'll tell her that I had a good time last week and ask her if she'd like to go out and have some fun again.

Yeah, so apparently she's just a tease. Things were going great it seemed that night, there seemed to be a lot of attraction between us and she dropped so many IOI's I figured it was a lock. I waited a couple of days like you suggested and made myself scarce in the mean time, asked her out again and she's not responding to my email. Just completely ignoring me. Pretty fucking lame, but I guess she just wanted the ego boost.

I feel like asking her why she's giving me the cold shoulder, but I know that it's probably better to just ignore her and move on. Seems like I could have the opportunity to show her that her bullshit doesn't effect me though if I bring it up and give her a chance to say whatever she's going to say... Right now, she's probably thinking that she's got me pretty bent out of shape. I don't want her to have that impression of me.

Title	Making a gal feel comfortable
Author	TheLotusEater
Upvotes	2
Comments	13
Date	February 16, 2011 2:06 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/fm8nn/making_a_gal_feel_comfortable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/making-a-gal-feel-comfortable.1315640 https://theredarchive.com/post/1315640

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