How do I (18M) deal with an emotional and controlling mother?

jkp99 · 2018-09-05T10:23:52+00:00

It’s a question of frame.

All of it is. You believe that you cannot move out. You accept a frame that has been given to you.

You at this point, do not possess the personal power and the creativity to think up your own frame.

That is understandable, after what sounds like a crazy family, in a crazy country in a crazy time and considering that you are only 18.

It still is a fact.

You are living in the frame of your mother, your town, your society.

There are many ways to improve your situation according to your own standards - things you can do, to increase your freedom.

All of them involve increasing your personal freedom. Your inner power to say no to what you do not want.

You do not need to leave home, you do not need to do anything to your mother, you do not have to change any of your circumstances, but you do need to change the way you look at them.

You are presenting us the image of an angry little boy, not a strong, indifferent men in an ugly circumstance.

And I am sure you have your reasons. God knows how much injustice you have lived through.

Still. The power lies within you to change. You do not have to move out, but you do need to understand that you are free and if you stay you do it voluntarily because you do not want to pay the price of leaving. Possibly that price would be actually very low and the choice would be rewarding. Possibly you would face starvation, suppression, or possibly even physical abuse or worse.

You need to grow your personal power. You need to stop caring, no matter if you stay or if you go. I would get into victor frankl’s work on “Men in search of meaning” and Stoisism.

Read the sidebar, read 48 powers of law, take it slow. Understand: you always get in life what you really want.

You, my friend, beaten and bruised, are missing the imagination to dream up, what it is, you really want.

When you say you cannot leave- you are saying I don’t dare to. Because the reward, cannot, possibly, be worth the price.

And both the reward, and the price to pay, are in your head.

Good luck to you, keep at it. Don’t underestimate what you can achieve in 10 years of tiny steps.

MattyAnon · 2018-09-05T14:48:09+00:00

Edit 2: I'm looking for more of advice on behaviour and strategy in dealing with her than of advice on how to run away from home, really.

Pretend to go along with it and spend as much time out of the house as possible.

She's mental, I doubt a strong frame will work because you don't have the option to leave (although you really really reallyyyyyyyyyy should)

69Cobalt · 2018-09-05T13:13:42+00:00

I was in a very similar situation and the biggest breakthrough for me was two things :

1) figure out what she wants,not what she says she wants. She bitches non stop about you not doing enough chores? She wants to feel like you're contributing. She wants to know what you're doing when you go out? She wants you to be safe under her wing. Always try to figure out the root emotion and deal with that, I've made my mother happy not doing what she said at all,but treating the emotion itself,you're both happy,which brings to my second point

2) there is no winning or losing. Winning is you both being happy. If you frame it as trying to win,one of you is going to feel like a loser. You want solutions that make you both happy and when she starts to feel your solutions are good for both of you and not selfish she will trust you more. Look for compromises on things you don't mind compromising on. Always look for middle grounds and alternative solutions,don't frame it as you vs her.

She will sense that you're trying to figure out what's best for both of you ; if it's genuine it will come off in your tone,demeanor and later actions.

NPR_is_not_that_bad · 2018-09-05T10:33:40+00:00

Hey man I’ll accept the fact you have to stay with your family for 3 years. I disagree completely with these guys. especially if you’re going to school, you can’t just “get a job and move out”. Shits expensive and you should focus on your studies.

My thoughts: Dude you’re 18. I know it’s hard to think in this perspective now, but you have your whole life ahead of you.

Don’t focus as much on trp until your life is in order. Focus on grades, career, financial independence and building yourself.

Second, be nice to your family. I was just like you when I was 18 and hated things my parents did. Even now at 27 I still think they did me wrong. But dude they could kick you out if they wanted. They raised you, feed you, provide for you, do everything. Give them a break if they’re a little overbearing and a little much. I’m sure they are just trying to help even if it’s a little misguided. Give love and obedience, show them you’re becoming a man, and it’ll get better.

Stay strong man. Be good to your family. Lift, set up your career, and I promise you’ll be in a great place soon!

FlyingSexistPig · 2018-09-05T11:54:23+00:00

She sounds like a typical mother.

You are 18 and can't really start your life (move out) until you're 21.

3 years is a tiny tiny portion of what your life is going to be. So, I'll give you the exact same advice that everyone gives everyone here: Focus on improving yourself.

Lift. If you can't get a gym membership, then do pushups and situps. I don't know if you're thin or fat, but lifting is always a good thing. Run if you're fat, eat if you're skinny.
Focus on your studies. True learning is hard and takes work. These three years that you have, living at home, are a blessing. You don't have bills to pay so your time cam be focused on your self improvement.
I know you want to rebel against the tyranny of your mother, but as you've said, you can't move out. You can't live on your own, yet. So don't poke her. Don't irritate her, don't rouse her ire.

You building muscle will make your mother respect you a lot more than she does right now. It might sound silly, but she's hardwired to do this. If you think of her conscious thought as the highest level, and subconscious thought as the level below that, with instinct below, then this is instinct.

youcantdenythat · 2018-09-05T14:16:46+00:00

Life's a bitch. Man up and do what you have to do. Even if it involves obeying your mother for 3 years.

Learn what you can from her. She knows some shit that you don't. Yeah she might be wrong about some stuff, you'll have to figure that out as you go, but try it her way anyway. The truth will come out in the end.

Once she sees that you can follow her direction, she will slowly start to ease up and trust you more.

I find that most women will argue with you until they think you agree with them. Then will drop it. The words "I understand" go a long way.

fnordsnord · 2018-09-05T14:35:59+00:00

deleted ^{^{^What}} ^{^{^is}} ^{^{^this?}}

[deleted] · 2018-09-05T16:15:56+00:00

Stop blaming your mother for everything you don't like about your life. You're an adult now. This means you get to shape and choose your own reality. You sound like an insolent little fuckwad. Alexander the Great was already conquering civilizations at your age. Do you think he sat around blaming his mother for "loving" him too much or "not loving" him enough?

The best part of growing up is realizing its your turn to prove you can do it better than your parents did. Until then, stfu and focus on developing yourself as a man.

Aside from the whiny undertones, most of the issue you describe can be addressed by simply telling your mother, "Look, Mom. I appreciate everything you've done to ensure my success as an adult, but I think that I need to learn how to address my responsibilities firsthand and on my own from here on out, if I'm ever going to become the man I intend to be." If she starts harping on you after, simply walk away, you've stated your position.

Herdsengineers · 2018-09-05T14:20:28+00:00

One - I understand feeling stuck for 3 years, but I bet there's a way out. Even if it's something like moving overseas to study as part of a study abroad program? Seriously - you mentioned a false impression of the world given by your mother? Give some thought to developing a stronger open mind and even if it's against cultural norms, how can you get out sooner? Social and cultural norms shouldn't be part of keeping you in a bad place.

Two - while you're still there, "grey rock" and "BIFF" her. Grey rock means be as interesting as a grey rock. Be unemotional, unengaging, no emotional stimulation or reaction to her. BIFF is brief, informative, friendly, factual. It means don't get mixed up in long discussions, keep things simple in your interactions with her. Keep the details out of things. You'll have to develop what we call "frame", or I think another word for it is "composure". Stay calm in the face of challenge and difficulty created by her, and stay boring. The emotional reactions only feed her and encourage her to keep acting as she does.

Find some kind of job outside the home. Be it working part time at the university or whereever you are going for education or just helping someone local cook at an eatery, anything at all.

It adds up to reduced interaction and the interaction that does happen is very low in emotional stimulation. Be boring to her. Present a low target profile basically.

mrpthrowa · 2018-09-05T15:27:10+00:00

[No provision for such a circumstance because I live in a small semi-urban town in a third world country with no part time jobs available or any other income source that I can think of.]

This is such bullshit. I don't believe this is true in any place in the world.

boy_named_su · 2018-09-05T20:14:26+00:00

Culturally unacceptable to move out whenever I want

Bull. fucking. shit. There's no orphans in your country? Where do they go when they turn 18. You're being a rationalizing bitch

flying_cumshot · 2018-09-05T09:37:52+00:00

why do you have to live with her for another 3 years? If you're going to school, get a part-time job and rent a room somewhere.

twdziki · 2018-09-05T09:38:44+00:00

Not much you can do if you can't leave, but one thing I'd recommend against a overly controlling parent is getting your own source of income.

Get a part-time job - you're not only taking away one way she can control you (money) but also getting a convenient excuse to not spend time at home. And getting experience at the job market from a young age will benefit your life in general.

vandaalen · 2018-09-05T09:40:59+00:00

Culturally frowned upon to move out whenever I want.

So....?

Title	How do I (18M) deal with an emotional and controlling mother?
Author	Charlie_Wright8312
Upvotes	16
Comments	50
Date	September 5, 2018 9:06 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9d4od4/how_do_i_18m_deal_with_an_emotional_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-i-18m-deal-with-an-emotional-and.132125 https://theredarchive.com/post/132125

Comments