I roll into my friends NYE/Birthday party while back in town and hang out. Got myself a glass of wine and started walking around - wasn't very chatty. Wasn't in state at all actually and sought to fish out people that I knew to establish some common ground. Looking back - I really could've tried to meet some more ladies. Again - I found myself locked in, wanting to make that comment to initiate a conversation but hesitating. Then nothing happens. I think I need to firmly integrate the 'three second rule' into my daily life.

Several familiar lady-friends come on in. And it was great to see them. Honestly at this point - I was more focussed on reconnecting with friends than meet new ladies. I don't know when's the next time I am in town and some of them are now living out of town as well.

One of them, a beautiful red head that I've known through out university was completely plastered, we'll call her Ariel. I distinctly remember one of the first times we met a few years ago - I was photographing a party and she comes up absolutely wasted and grabs my junk. My good buddy (let's call him Bob) at the time who was with me was like "whoa! B-rafc is not that type! Go easy!". Head hangs in semi-shame. It was surprising because out of the bars which are the only times I was acquainted with her - she's extremely studious, slightly awkward and high achieving. Anyway, I didn't even know what to do or react to say the least. That didn't happen yesterday but if it did I probably still wouldn't know what I would do.

In her drunken stupor and my strong buzz - we ended up having a pretty frank conversation about me. I'm trying to recollect and piece it together. At this point I was in 'chatting with an old friend mode'.

"Brafc, How the hell are you?" Asked Ariel.

"Relocated down to SD - working for a startup startup blah blah blah, trying to establish social life. It's difficult." I replied.

"You'll do great." Ariel said. "You live in SoCal! That's incredible! And all those hot California girls everywhere as well. I bet you're doing great down there with them."

"Well, I'm doing the best I can..." I replied... obviously seriously hasn't been much since I've been sulking a bit with the huge transition.

"That's BS Brafc!" retorted Ariel. At this point she was just leaning at the back at the counter to keep herself up. "You're cute and look good. You're stylish. You do xfit and have a hot body. You're funny. You're smart and working in an awesome job. You need to talk yourself up and play yourself up! That's your problem! Listen, you know Bob (friend I mentioned earlier in this post)? He's overweight, fat... but he talks dirty to me. And you know what? I fucking love it. This is your chance. You need to be more aggressive."

At this point - I was making some comments about my Chinese upbringing that hammered back modesty and respect which she thought and agreed with. Thinking about it - I don't even know how I would even talk dirty to her. I'm not used to that kind of talk or mindset. My distinct lack of womanizing and sexual experience (v-card still intact) strands me. Whatever I said was probably an excuse to mask my inexperience.

She went on about how she's finishing up her masters, bought a place and she's actually looking for a relationship but she's always in fuck buddy relationships. She mentioned how she got 'brought' into a relationship to spice things up and is now starting to lean the other way. I knew she went to Thailand for a bit and asked her about the trip and what crazy adventures went down. She jokingly replied said "I can't tell you, you're too innocent".

That absolutely switched something in my head which I can describe as a mixture of self-pity, angst, annoyance, defeat and intense motivation. I had a similar woman whom I was chasing after a year ago (and nastily botched when I became overbearing, oneitis afc on her) say "Your needs are different than my needs". I was a little insulted/hurt - but fuck me, I guess thats what a lot of women view me as... a nice sweet innocent guy.

Heading home from the party I was walking with a buddy of mine and he remarks how he couldn't understand how I was single - I can make ladies laugh, stylish, keep fit, smart, earns way above the minimum wage. He said "the only reason I can think of is because you choose to be".

While typing and thinking about it now - it is incredibly apparently that I have not improved at all in seduction in the last few years. I've certainly read a lot of theories and consumed products. I've worked on many inner game aspects. I've become a decent conversationalist when I try and pay attention. But I've been content with mental masturbation believing everything I read is contributing to myself to be successful with women. But I have not actively tried to 'seduce/pick up'. I have not been forcing myself to go out in the field. I am still in a lot of ways outcome dependant.

Action wise - new years was a bust - no kiss, no numbers, no anything. But that conversation was probably the most important takeaway from 2011. I hit absolute rock bottom this morning briefly searching for escorts to get rid of my virginity (mid 20s here) and get some experience. And I realized how incredibly pathetic that was and not to mention it going against my moral standards.

I've been reminded how much I have going for me already that I've already developed. It seems I need a fundamental shift in thinking, attitude and beliefs.

I pledge myself and promise myself that this year, 2012, will be the time I will get this handled.