TL; DR where I came from as a person/player and how I am doing now.

Tolstoy

I am at a place now that I have always wanted to be in. I have seemingly no bad luck with women anymore. So many positive things come from being loved by the opposite sex that I wanted to share my journey towards this place. A lot of this will seem like I am sucking the hell outta my own dick. I ask that you set that aside as the opinions I give you are not my own, but women's, and therefore valuable in this exercise.

I started off in grade school incredibly unpopular. I was just... off. I did not know at the time but I was an ADD kid, just not so hyperactive. This was before the disorder was widely believed to be real as I am 36 now. So it got really bad moving to another school in the third grade. They called me "It" there and I usually spent my lunch hour running away from kids, both boys and girls. I was famous, but hardly popular. This would stick with me for a long, long time and played a large part in my relations with women because I came to believe that this would be how society would view me forever.

I rose out of the basement of the social ladder in the 5th grade or so, but was still near the bottom. Middle school was a race of trying to fit in and look at as many boobs as I possibly could. I would see brief moments of clarity, however, in social situations where things that were out of the ordinary for me would occur.

I can remember one very clearly. Waiting for the start of summer school class in the 7th grade and waiting for the door to open. Was talking to a group of students and had this way about me at that time. They were circled around and totally attentive to everything I was saying. I had won them over, somehow. It was illuminating and I had NO clue what I was doing right, but it stuck with me.

I was consistently uncomfortable around everyone and embarrassing situations made me want to die. I was uneasy and trepidatious. I would always allow someone in front of me to go first so as not to offend them and I spent a LOT of time wondering if any of my comments had pissed anybody off.

Meanwhile, I would get input from teachers and my parents to the effect of, "You're so smart, if only you applied yourself." My step-dad would say I had the common sense of the gnat's peter. I felt a bit behind compared to everyone else and, worst of all, I believed it. This is where the true damage comes from. Belief.

So I got into high school and it was more of the same, more or less. I spent my freshman year just trying to fit in and not get killed (kidding). Finally found a decent looking but very unpopular girl from a different high school and I was happy for a bit. She didn't bug me and she was cute. Made my first move to second base while her best friend was lying in her bed. I thought that was so fucking boss at the time even though it took me about 15 minutes of kissing to work my way up to that. Lost my virginity to her that summer and she was my first kiss. I was 14.

The next year I attempted to date some of her friends at my high school who were significantly less attractive. This was where I began doing sexually a motive that would persist for many years to come. I would score with very unpopular and unattractive girls for the ease and non-recursive emotional reactions from being blown out, if that happened . The typical, "Don't tell anybody," situation where you say you just want privacy, but what you really want is your friends to not know your riding a moped. Still, had some good times if not some negative feelings about being such a shady individual sexually speaking. Started playing football as well my sophomore year and was decent at it. Junior year started and I had had braces on at the time. Was mostly an uncomfortable year as far as women were concerned and I was mostly spinning my wheels in the same situation. Senior year was a bit different. I got my braces off and girls started to look at me a bit more. My mom had told me when I was 16 that I was very attractive, but, being 16, I thought my mom was just saying it to be nice. Turned out she wasn't. I am about an 8 or a 9, I would say. Tall, broad shouldered, and facially attractive. I can sing, I am smart, and I am very funny. In this department I am one of the lucky ones. Problem was, I had all this going for me, but I still wasn't succeeding. This lead me to believe that my personality was one of the worst on the planet. It must have been for me to not be successful with women, right?

So, anyways, girls were starting to look at me and that was nice but it would also become a detriment to my self-confidence, which I'll share a bit later.

So I am a senior. Football is over. It's spring and I am working at a video store and living with my brother as my parents had moved away. I met a girl at school, Angela, a cute redhead and far cuter than any girl I had dated previously. I had somehow gotten her number (lord knows how, she must have been laying it on HEAVY for me to notice back then) and I called her from the video store. Went over that night and hung out with her and her friend who had the house to themselves. Lots of flirting before hand and we ended up having sex that night. I went down on her (first time for that). Also the first time having unprotected sex (she was in a time in her life at that time, I have to assume).

Problem was, and I am sure some guys can relate to this one, her being the hottest girl I had had and that she was (apparently) into me, I was ALL about it. More than physically. In my head I was walking around going, "Girlfriend. Girlfriend. I've got a hot girlfriend."

Went back a few days later and we ended up doing it again. This time she wore a white garter, a corset, and thigh highs. I just wasn't prepared for that and was taken to sexual heaven. Left shortly there after.

The next week at school this weaselly looking guy (biased, of course, I am) came up to me with the fear of God in his eyes. To his credit, he had the balls to tell me that him and his friend had fucked that girl that weekend and he was hoping I would not kick his ass. I have never been the person to be angry at the other guy, honestly, so I said no worries. Then she came up weepy and told me the same thing. I told her to fuck off.

The reason I bring this up is that it sent me right back to grade school where I was being chased everywhere by the other kids again, except this time it was pretty girls to looked to hurt me emotionally.

From this occurrence I believed firmly that I would never be happy in love. That any cute girl would find another, cuter, guy and I would be left alone. In relationships in my future, this would manifest itself in jealous feelings on my part, smothering, and the general repulsion of all my girlfriends.

I also began to engage in behavior of sleeping around on girls that I was dating due, in part, to these feelings. First one was a decently cute girl, actually, compared to what I had been previously dating, but on a bus trip down to LA from Norther Cali I messed around with two girls in the back of the bus (early natural tendencies? unsure) but I ended up scoring with one of them down there and getting a blowjob. Girlfriend found out and dumped me. This would be the first of many.

I had a few tangential relationships before leaving the place I grew up to live with my parents again, but nothing of any meaning nor length. I remember one which illustrates how awful I was at approaching. I had had sex with a girl who WANTED me bad, but I just didn't know. She was a friend of the ex and, I think, she had told her about my cock (my last gift). She ended up asking me if I wanted to go Cloud Busting. My response, "What's that?"

Her, "That's when you go look at the clouds naked."

Yeah, that's what it took at that time. I was clueless.

cont....