[UPDATE/Field Report] The date didn't go so well

recyclablebantha · 2013-04-12T02:29:21+00:00

So we seemed to have an ok time and the date overall didn't go so bad. We walked back to her place and I essentially walked her in and she turned around and was looking at me and I then left as she said "well.. goodbye"

I called her about 5 minutes after I left to tell her I really liked her and wanted to see her again, to which she said ok just let her know a time and place.

How badly did I screw up?

In all kindness.....Listen. We. Weren't. There.

What's more, your post is SHORT and LOW on information we'd need to make a better assessment.

If we had been there, then maybe we could tell you more. Obviously we know it didn't go well, but you told us that. We know you didn't escalate because you told us. But we also didn't see her side of it. And from what you typed, you were in your head so much during the date that you didn't have a good awareness of her. If you DID, you'd know if she had wanted you to do something.

I can also say that you weren't REALLY listening to her during the date. Or else you'd have been able to say more than:

I asked lots of questions and she told me a lot about herself.

If this were really true and you had really been listening and NOT in your head, you'd have had a lot to work with. But I suspect that your questions were actually NOT inspired by what she was talking about, so much as YOUR fears. Would this be correct?

And this....:

It didn't help that we had talked about her having hooked up with a lot of guys in the past, even running into a guy who she has in the past hooked up with.

.....Tells me that you missed a chance to take the conversation to interesting places. Though I must ask, how did you end up on this subject. Please tell me that you weren't asking her questions about her dating past.

There was 0 kino or what have you. I feel really inadequate as I type this. If she's been with all of those other guys? She insists I'm one of the more attractive men she's seen if that means anything.

Listen to yourself. You are your own worst enemy here. Consider that your mindset right now is going to sabotage anything that comes your way, if you keep thinking this way.

You're clearly NOT assuming attraction; instead you are questioning yourself every step of the way, worse, reading between the lines, it seems that you were possibly looking for validation from HER during the date, which is a poor way to go about it because it will show her that she's going to have to take care of herself AND you during the interaction. You can't look for validation from your DATE. You have to take care of that shit yourself.
You're not listening to her. Instead you're in your head, worrying about things that mostly become a problem IF you're wasting time in your head worrying about them. Ironic, no? If you get the hell out of your head, you'll have the resources to actually pay attention to her and the situation.
Read up on Outcome Independence. You were not practicing it and you didn't have a good time as a result. Think about it. Worrying the way you are, is actually the CAUSE for you having a shitty time.

2013-04-12T01:19:06+00:00

Take note of all the things you did wrong and learn from it the second time around. Next time, make sure to kino and escalate, don't turn the date into an interview by asking too many questions, make her laugh and continue to tease her, don't put her on a pedestal (example: you calling her and saying you wanted to see her again)

I'm guessing you had some anxiety which lead to the lack of escalation, next time, go with mindset that you're just having fun with a friend, not that you're on a date. It helps you relax and makes gaming much easier.

MyWorkHereIsDone · 2013-04-12T05:01:51+00:00

There was 0 kino or what have you.

Why wasn't there any kino escalation? Was there anything actively preventing it, or was it just you failing to make the move? Legitimate question. The expectation is on you to push for kino. You are the man, you are expected to lead. Kino is so important. Physical touch awakens feelings by releasing chemicals. Straight up science.

It didn't help that we had talked about her having hooked up with a lot of guys in the past, even running into a guy who she has in the past hooked up with.

Don't talk about ex's. Get off that subject if you can, even if you believe it is her opening up to you. If she is talking about that stuff then she is still thinking about them, and obviously you don't want that. Redirect the conversation.

I asked lots of questions and she told me a lot about herself.

Asking questions is ok, just don't turn the date into an interview. She doesn't want to feel like she is being screened for a job, she wants to have fun. Get to know her, deep dive, etc. but don't interrogate her.

I called her about 5 minutes after I left to tell her I really liked her and wanted to see her again, to which she said ok just let her know a time and place.

Ideally this wouldn't have happened this way. First of all, you don't want to say that you like her etc., rather you should show it with your actions. By outright saying it you have framed yourself as the one chasing. You want her to be the one chasing. Second, if at all possible you want to set the stage for another date before you leave while she is (hopefully) still riding high off of the positive experience she had with you on that date.

And lastly, the part that kills me inside

We walked back to her place and I essentially walked her in and she turned around and was looking at me and I then left as she said "well.. goodbye"

I wasn't there so I don't have her expression to work with, but that just sounds like she was disappointed. What I mean by that is she very well could have been expecting you to do more than you did. More physicality. Did you at the very least hug her? Hugging is so benign and innocent, I don't think it is ever out of bounds. Ideally you would have been escalating kino during the date to the point where she would be comfortable with and be expecting a kiss. She very well may have been expecting just that anyways. If you are getting a second chance at this you have to get that kino in. Touch her. Escalate. This is the fastest way to test the waters and find out how comfortable she really is with you. I'm sure you are familiar with the DiCarlo escalation ladder. If you aren't, go read up on it. Use it. Start kino early so you can progress and hopefully k-close, if not better.

baldrad · 2013-04-12T00:39:33+00:00

just set up that second date and fix everything that you didn't do on the first. and make sure you kiss her

2013-04-12T01:07:13+00:00

[permanently deleted]

MomoElite · 2013-04-12T04:51:03+00:00

I'm not saying she's easy, but she sounds like it, especially since she hasn't been on a real date in a while. You should set up another date if you at least enjoyed yourself a bit on the first one, but, this time you HAVE to kino the shit out of her, like walk holding hands, go for a kiss 3/4 of the way through the date, and anything else that just feels right at the moment. Just do it and anything that doesn't work out, in your mind just say fuckit because there are maybe 3billion more girls in the world and if its noth going well with one you should move on to the next one.

And this is all assuming that you don't really like her to make her a girlfriend, if you do then you should care a bit about how she reacts.

Title	[UPDATE/Field Report] The date didn't go so well
Author	BenjaminTalam
Upvotes	10
Comments	18
Date	April 12, 2013 12:32 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1c69ja/updatefield_report_the_date_didnt_go_so_well/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/updatefield-report-the-date-didnt-go-so-well.1350536 https://theredarchive.com/post/1350536

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