Last night was pretty interesting.

I started off the night with some meditation actually.

Meditation

I envisioned the night before me, and I actually felt the AA that I was about to experience, being in a crowded noisy bar where girls are passing left and right. In my visions, the AA was causing me to have bad reaction after reaction. So I decided to approach the men next to the women, in order to get into their circle. I also saw that my anticipated response from these beautiful women was always negative. I carefully tried to imagine positive results and the entire experience alone was nerve-wracking... just thinking about it... I had read that just imagining an experience before doing it, will make you more successful.

The Night

It was thursday night and I decided to hit up the college crowd scene. I hit up the 2 main college bars in the city: Knight Club and Old Queens Tavern.

I walked into one of them, it was kinda dead... Well, it wasn't dead, but people weren't mingling enough for my comfort. I wasn't ready to just start talking to people at the bar, especially since I'm not going there to drink.

So I left, made my way to the other more packed bar.

When I got there, I had found a couple of commoners that I had seen on other nights in New Brunswick. I might have to move out of this city soon. If I continue having chode nights, eventually every guy and girl will remember me as that "weird" guy, whom they don't know is actually learning to have better social skills. Silly girls.

The bar was kinda dead. In the back there were like 2 guys who were dancing at a level of like 2-3/10. I realized that I could feed off their state, and we could pump each others state up. I began doing that all night, and eventually I saw myself as a State Pump Teammate with almost all the men at the bar... Yep! I became the Heterosexual Male Magnet for all the Heterosexual Men. Well, even though I didn't get any bites, I eventually sorta gave up on the whole "I hope I get a bite tonight" to just "fuck these bitches. I'm not gonna let them ruin my night. I'm awesome, people love me, and I can have fun without them." So I started dancing my ass off, and I brought the party.

I actually even ended up dancing with some girls, but it never really went anywhere. I saw this fucking NICE HB10... I mean, if I could ever really decide, that "This girl, is the girl I want to meet out of the entire bar", it would definitely be her. Fucking Gorgeous...

I did in fact approach her, feeling nothing to lose but just another stupid rejection or another snarky yet really dull negative remark... All these chicks kept doing to me is either giving me these really disgusting nasty looks, just by literally being in my presence or being next to me... It was a bit ridiculous to say the least.

She was on her way to the bathroom, and I had been trying to get her on the dance floor with me.

She tried to just get away from me, but I didn't give up. Fuck that shit, what I got to lose? I could always call up my xgf who was begging for me to come back for months... And even being single, the worst that can happen is that I don't get laid tonight, and I go home and smoke weed, and wake up the same as I was the night before. I kept pulling her in, almost like Pepe Le Pew, until she rejected me enough where I was like "fuck it"... Not gonna lie, a ton of girls rejected me last night. It was brutal, and I don't know how I kept my smile up. I guess I had felt the huge stab of pain each time I received a rejection, felt defeat, and then some good stuff happened. I had already established social proof with a lot of the men in the bar, maybe all the men. Everytime I got a rejection, I'd make eye contact with my brothers, and make the "oh well" face... Then I would instantly start lookin around for the next victim. haha, and it honestly kept me going. I didn't slink back to a corner with a drink in front of my chest or just go home feeling like shit. Eventually, after getting enough rejections, I started to expect them almost like in a "let's hear your bullshit. Cmon, gimme your best shot!" And so I started fucking with them and reacting in the ways I wanted to react instead of the ways society tells us to react.

Meaning typically, you get rejected by a woman, whom we all tend to put on a pedastle of some ridiculous godess of perfect standards, and being rejected by such a "higher power" feels almost like being rejected by a someone with a "stronger reality" which in essence is like them trying to dictate your reality. I would not allow this. I've had enough shitty, depressing, zero-self-esteem days where I felt like the most filthiest shit on the planet, all because of 1 stupid bitchy fucked up girl's reaction.

To the HB10, when she rejected me finally, I yelled at her in a really blown out of proportion way, "But I love you! I love you! I want to marry you! Nooooooo!... Oh well..."

I did that to a few girls that night. I also danced with a few girls, and I was pretty happy with even just that, because I felt that it would give me social proof and pre-selection.

There were these 2 girls, one of whom was smiling at me, and even danced with me. The other was just plain fucking bitch for no reason. She literally chose to hate me, be nasty to me, and purposely try to bring me down and all my energy and life down... I didn't really understand in the moment why she was so stiffled or such a bitch to me, when I haven't even talked to her yet. She would dance and talk to other guys... When she made her snarky remark to me which was something as simple and stupid as looking at me while I held up a smile with energy to her, and going, "No!" in a sorta "No, you're not cool!" way. The last thing I wanted to do was to let her win, or feed her more power. I get this "No!" thing a lot, even from girls I haven't talked to or even interacted with... It's weird, really weird. It's like they don't even know me, and just choose to be nasty. To me, it always feels like they know of my past and how bullied I was or they know about all the women in the past who have rejected me and how thirsty I used to be, and so they are talking about that... But it's crazy to think that! They don't know me! I've never seen them before in my life! Which leads to me a couple conclusions...

Either they are testing my congruence, are having a shitty day/night, or on the more narcissistic side they may just be jealous of something I have that they don't. For instance, I don't drink, which definitely saves me a ton of money. I also have a really nice personal style, I don't give as many shits as everyone else and I can really dance when I really want to without anyone else dancing nearby, I'm physically fit, and I'm actually a really good looking guy who gets compliments like "sexy" and "hot" enough in his life. I know the majority of women aren't as shallow as men, so it might be more on testing my congruence, having a shitty night or that they simply don't believe how cool I am... I used to think that it was my age, being that I'm 28 going to college bars where everyone is like 21 or so. People often tell me I look like I'm 23-26.

As the bar closed, everyone starts walking out and I witness before me the ugliest act of bitchyness I have ever seen. 2 girls as they were walking out, randomly pointed at this 1 guy who was standing by his friend. One girl starts telling a quick embarassing story like, "Hey you were the guy who" did something really stupid or w/e... Can't remember what she was making fun of, but she had on this bitchy look. The guy reacted with, "Excuse me? What?" looking really confused and not knowing why she's being like that. She then just turned her back abruptly and left. As soon as she left, I go up to the guy and say, "dude... seriously, fuck those bitches man! Women, can be really cruel. Just fuck them man, don't take it personally, don't get phased, don't care, and keep moving. It's a numbers game." Him and his friend gave me a high five and thanked me for boosting up their self-esteem.

At some point at the bar, one of the commoners that I knew of had some really amazing swagger. I was watching him, almost to just learn off him. He was truly amazing. And this time I wasn't just watching him from "Who is this person?" or "What does he have that I don't" or "Why can't I do that or get that?" or "How is he different than me" and upon talking to him about girls/going out/the night life, I feel like I found the answers my question. He's just a guy whose good looking enough, he doesn't have anything I don't have, I can do that and get that, and that his only difference from me is that he fully believes in himself, he has positive anticipated responses, and overall he wants to just have fun. He's not thinking about "Seduction" or "how to get the girls" or "what if they don't like me"... He just assumes it's all gonna go well, people can like him for him, and therefore it's all fun to him. He is living in a different reality than me, and if I want it badly enough, I can have that reality. I don't think he got anything that night either from what I saw at the end of the night. No one gave him a number, in fact I didn't see many people giving out numbers, and in my experience, numbers don't mean shit.

Overall, i could say I had fun... At the bar I had also bumped into a friend of mine. I saw him all night dancing with girls, getting into pictures with girls... I didn't get any pictures taken with me, nor too many girls dancing with me. When I told him how amazing he was that night, he looked at me and said, "Na dude! You were amazing!"

I was like, "What are you talking about bro!? You had chicks dancing with you, taking pictures with you!"

"Yea, you had the same thing!"

"Yea, but did you get any numbers or anything?"

"No. Dude, I still had a really fun night."

Sometimes i wonder if I'm either being too hard on myself or just being a complaining little fucking pussy who can't ever just be happy with what he's got. It's not like I'm dying or completely starving of pussy.

Things I did well:

  • Started building social proof with men to get me to start being social

  • Didn't let the girls bitchyness completely destroy and defeat me and make me feel like I've been a chode all my life

  • I approached everyone at one point

  • I approached the hottest girl at the bar, multiple times until I finally gave up on her and lost hope.

  • Became a fountain of good emotions, good vibes, and state for my fellow brothers.

  • Brought the party

  • Had fun being a the biggest loser to the chicks and the coolest bro to the guys.

    Things I did poorly:

  • I didn't talk to anyone enough or approach enough. I keep doing this "dancing" game or something. It's like I don't know what else todo. Everytime I approach with "Hi I'm Alex" or "Hey guys, what's new with you" or any opener from Magic Bullets, I never have anything to follow it up with. In the moment, I just blank out of things to say... Maybe I'm thinking too much about sex or something and i can't think about the moment and what they're saying... I fucking suck, what else can I say. Hopefully I'll improve.

  • I didn't get any numbers to continue things on after the night...

  • Wasn't confident enough.

  • Gave too much of a shit at first

  • Didn't chill out and have fun

    Things I want to improve on:

  • Being more Social

  • Not freaking out/getting in my head/thinking about the next step with girls when I approach them

  • Smiling normally, and holding it for longer than them

  • Talking more and freely

TLDR: Went out, brought the party, made all the guys love me. Had a fun night with the boys, was witness to uber bitchyness, held out all night and didn't give up as much as I was tempted to. Got shit on by almost every hot bitty there, and just kept getting shit on, till the pile of shit rose past my head, and even then I stayed through it. This shit is tough man... The one thing I have that keeps me going is that I'm actually doing something about "my problem" rather than the haters who boast about how they had a whopping 8 girls that they fucked! Woopty doo. I'm not aiming for 8, been there done that, I'm aiming for 100. Seeing my improvement over the last couple years, and how much wiser I'm getting, even on nights of being completely shit on, I can stay strong on lonely nights.