Long story short, I had two lesbian moms. One was abusive and psychotic and she was removed from my life. The other is still my mother and I live with her. For reference, I'm 18 years old.

The problem, I've noticed, is that it's been more than 10 years since either one of them have taught me anything. The last skill that my mothers gave me and the last lesson they taught me was to not wet the bed. I don't blame them per se for my lack of skills and competence in the real world, and even if I did - resentment is not a solution.

The only men in my life were my grandfather and my uncle.

My uncle is still being abused by the first mother, he's gay and she's his 'fag hag'. He's about as omega as adult men come, despite being gay.

My grandfather however was an amazing man. He saved all of his money all his life to give to me and my brother, fought in two wars, he was a carpenter, had one marriage for 50 years that was very successful. He died before I could learn anything from him.

Nonetheless, I'm responsible and I'm accountable for my lack of masculine activities and extremely small skill-set because I'm a man. I've already started working on fixing these problems, and that's where the proxy fathers come in.

To help learn new skills and find new joy in life, I'm looking for proxy fathers. I've already found a few, and these few have been helping me put my depressed, suicidal, drug fiend, lonesome self in the past. I've learned through TRP that happiness is a byproduct of achievement, and I will never be happy until I make myself happy.

Two of these proxy fathers that I've found are extremely red pill and successful men.

First off I have Eliot Hulse, the father of my exploration. Eliot has taught me several masculine and red pill lessons, of which are:

  • Every time I don't attempt something, I fail at it. Fearing failure is absolutely pointless because if your fear of failure causes inaction, then you've automatically failed. At it's core, a fear of failure is inherently illogical. I never understood that before Eliot taught it to me.

  • "You start on a journey, you don't make the right choice; You make A choice, and then you make the choice right. Don't follow the easy path, don't follow the right path, don't follow the trodden path, and don't follow the path that's been laid out." - Eliot Hulse

  • Lastly, in this video something that I will value every single day until I die. He taught me something that I think most women don't understand, and most people don't understand. He taught me that what's more important than setting goals is to set up processes for how to get those goals.

I've always wanted to exercise at a gym. That's as far as that ambition has gotten me. In honor of this new philosophy, tomorrow I'll be walking 1.5 miles to go my local gold's gym and get a membership. Maybe they'll tell me I can't sign up with cash or I don't have the right ID or I'm too young to sign up without a parent. I have no idea. But I hope I fail, and I hope I succeed, because both of those are better than inaction.

Continuing this trend of curing inaction in favor of ambition, I'm going to fix my struggle to find a job. I've set up a very simple process. Monday I'm applying to shoprite & a nearby movie theatre. Tuesday I'm applying to Michael's art supplies and Kohl's clothing store. For every two places I apply, I will scout & find five more. Depending on how my confidence is monday, I might apply to more than two places. This is a very easy goal that will not be stopped by inaction. I'm determined to find work again.

My second proxy father is Gordon Ramsay, my father of cooking. Cooking has always been a passion for me. To me, the thrill of cooking was always limited to silly things like cutting up a bell pepper and putting it into my ramen. What was it limited by? A FEAR OF FAILURE. I decided TODAY that I was fucking done with that. Normally I would sit around and drink soda and eat Doritos until my mom cooked me food, then I would complain to her afterwards that I wanted to learn how to cook.

FUCK THAT. That's absolute bullshit. It's MY job to have things happen. It's MY responsibility to find happiness. Today I went in my freezer and found some pork chops. I remembered a Gordon Ramsay video where he cooked pork chops. I decided I would make this dish today. I still, even after finding my ingredients, texted my mother and asked for help. I didn't even need help. But I was afraid to fail. That was a stupid fucking mistake and I could never be prouder. I made the dish and it was absolutely delicious. I even improvised with some of the ingredients. It was unbelievably fun. Gordon Ramsay always says that cooking something simple and properly will give you confidence. I never understood what he meant until today.

With the skills these men and the other proxy fathers I'm bound to find will give me, I'm going to succeed. I'm going to learn how to do what I want to do and I'm going to do it regardless of if I will fail or not.

Also, I feel like I should add that women aren't even on my mind.

The most important principle I've learned through TRP and these proxy fathers is that success isn't the opposite of failure, it's the opposite of inaction. I'm determined to succeed, and

Thanks for reading. This post will hold me accountable. I will not go back to my previous ways. Every single day will be progress.