Patrice O’neal has a funny stand up comedy bit where he says that when he hangs out with women his philosophy is “I have fun, then you.” Most people think this statement sounds mean or sexist, but it’s absolutely true and how it should be.

YOU MUST HAVE FUN FIRST.

And then her.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that women want to watch you have fun. I know that sounds absurd, but it’s true.

If you are worrying about making her happy or making sure she has fun before you, you’ve already lost. Women know how to have fun on their own. They don’t need your help. They are looking for a man with a fun life so that they can join that fun life and have a different type of fun than the fun they are used to having. More importantly, they want a LEADER. But if you aren’t having fun, and you are instead worrying about how much fun she is having, and you let her lead the interaction, she loses interest.

This is such a huge point and it is one of the biggest mistakes guys make and it requires a massive mental shift to get into this mindset. I get it – when you are around a beautiful woman, you get nervous, you want to look interested, and you want to make sure she likes you. So you immediately revert to what your emotions and the media tell you to do – make her happy. Supplicate. Buy her things. Etc... But you have to resist. You need to make sure you have fun and stop worrying about whether she likes you or not. She either likes you or she doesn’t, and nothing you can do or say can change that. All you can do is relax, enjoy yourself and hope she becomes attracted. It’s going to feel weird. You’re going to feel selfish. You are going to want to sacrifice your fun for her. But don’t. Trust me. Just have fun.

Having fun

The crazy thing is that most people literally do not know how to have fun. They have spent most of their lives trying to please other people. Even when they go out it’s a chore – they go to events they don’t even like because that’s what the “cool” people are doing, they spend most of the night “taking care” of their friends and stressed about what their friends are doing or saying. When I go out, I notice guys dancing who clearly hate dancing but are doing it just because they want to get laid. These guys don’t realize that it is transparent they are not having fun. Most people do not like the music, they do not like the venue, and they are only there to be accepted by the “alpha” in their friend group, who is usually the only person actually having fun.

Teaching yourself how to have fun is a long process. Think about it – what do you truly enjoy doing? What kind of music do you enjoy? What kind of shit do you like to talk about? I’m not a big video game person but sometimes if I’m at a bar and I’m bored I will pull out my phone and play a game of NBA2k because why the fuck not? Of course, I do this rarely – if I’m not actually having fun I won’t even be at that bar, but the point is that my fun comes first.

I can’t teach you how to have fun, but I can create a list of things I find fun: I like getting drunk but not too drunk, I like listening to music I like, I like interesting conversations about topics I think are interesting, I like exploring new restaurants and neighborhood, I like meeting new, interesting people, and I like cumming on girls’ faces. I let girls know all this as soon as is appropriate.

If I’m talking to a girl I make sure I am comfortable – I see so many guys at bars standing while the girl is sitting, or they have contorted their body into some weird position just so that they can talk to the girl while she is comfortable. Fuck that – if I can’t be comfortable while talking to a girl I’m not interested.

Be nice

All that said, of course you should try to make sure she is having fun also. If you’re on a date with a girl, you shouldn’t just say “we are going to X bar whether you like it or not.”

It’s a tough balance to strike. On one hand, women often won’t speak up if they are not having fun, and on the other hand, you don’t want to give up your leadership position and act indecisive. The key is to read her body language and demeanor to figure out what she really wants to do.

On a date, I will create a plan for the night, and then check in with the girl. I may say “hey, there is a great DJ at X bar, want to go there after this drink.” I then read her reaction to see how she really feels. Sometimes I give her multiple options “so we can either go to X bar and see some jazz or to Y bar and dance” and then read her reaction. She often will not tell you what she prefers, but her reaction will give it away.

Ideally, you have fun, and then she has fun as well. But you must have fun first.

But why??

I hope I’ve convinced you. If I haven’t, I here are some reasons I am right.

First, in the hierarchy of a woman’s emotions, her attraction to a man trumps everything. If she is with an alpha male taking the lead, she won’t really care what bar or restaurant she is at or really what she is doing at all. Of course, she will want to leave if the music is absolutely terrible and torturing her ears, or if she is somewhere with absolutely no connection to her interests at all, but the point is that you are not going to convince her to like you by taking her to the right bar or restaurant – you convince her to like you by being fucking awesome and making her feel lucky to be around you.

Second, women are wired by evolution to be people pleasers, so a man that is not a people pleaser is an interesting, rare, animal. It’s literally like being around a superhero that can do something you can’t.

Third, if your goal is to just make sure she does what she wanted to do anyway, then what’s the point of you even being there? What value are you adding?

Finally, most women, like most people, are selfish. So when you bend over backward to make sure she has fun, she isn’t going to think “oh what a nice guy” she will rather think “what does this sneaky motherfucker want from me”? Women know that “niceness” is really just a front for some bullshit ulterior motive (usually sex). By being selfish and focusing only on your own fun, you actually become MORE genuine and “nice” because you are being upfront and honest.

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