Wife makes more money than I do. How do I get control of our finances?

skeptic00 · 2014-11-02T05:46:37+00:00

To be honest, you can't take control of your family's finances. She makes more, she knows it, you are expendable, she's not, and that's that.

If you want to hold equal or more power than her, you have to ask yourself why is she with you in the first place. They should be concrete reasons because if they are not, then you're always going to have less power (read no power).

edit

You said:

Again, I see this as my fault for allowing her to manipulate me by just letting her Do what she wants with our money

How exactly is she manipulating you? I don't see any manipulation on her behalf. In her mind she's spending her money ( not "our" money) which she's entitled to do. If you're going to say that she's manipulative because she got you and her friends to do stuff in the past, then she's not manipulative but influential which means she's of a higher value in her relationships with you and her friends.

sontato · 2014-11-02T08:09:43+00:00

Why do you want to take her money? That doesn't sound very manly.

LS_D · 2014-11-02T16:21:40+00:00

Sally can have a spending problem at times

This can be a sign of OCD (Obessive Compulsive Behavior) and her unwillingness to tell you about it suggests she just might have some deep seated issues she's yet to deal with, and due to the constant 'support' from her friends, probably doesn't think she has any problems at all ...

BluepillProfessor · 2014-11-02T20:58:54+00:00

I have some experience with this dynamic and yes, it is a real bitch to deal with (although the vacations in Europe and the Caribbean are nice). In my case my wife handles the finances and makes most of the money. She handles the finances for our family because she also handles the finances for multi-billion dollar companies and it makes sense for her to handle things like taxes, credit card payments, bills, etc.

However, in a 'typical' (TM) marriage I don't see any reason why the woman might make more money but the man handles the bills. Lots of times the SAHM/Housewife handles the bills for the lackluster husband.

Is that what you are proposing? Is that what your wife will think you are proposing? Do you even have a plan for the family finances?

You would need a compelling case to suddenly "take control" of the finances given the financial imbalance. Do you have one or do you just want control for control's sake? (Note, these are rhetorical questions, please don't feel it necessary to answer all of them to us- but answer them for yourself).

You begin by moving slowly. Become more assertive. Begin to do more of the banking. Research financial changes, visit the advisors, etc. The answer to your question- how do you take power- is this: You provide more value into the area than your wife is providing and she has no choice but to increasingly defer to your superior judgment.

However, this:

she can stand to improve on being my wife. And I have myself to blame for that.

Tells me you are on the right path. Forward!

demilitarizdsm · 2014-11-02T13:35:51+00:00

You have a fundamental problem that TRP god Patrice O'Neal would point out. Your wife makes more money than you. She can't handle that. As long as this is true she will always be in the process of marginalizing you in her mind. So focus your energy on making more.

azheid · 2014-11-02T19:50:05+00:00

This sounds like a difficult situation to turn around. I am not sure what, if anything, would definitely fix the situation.

In your situation, I would gather information. Find out how much of the money goes to which places. Research. Figure out what percent of money goes to late fees/unnecessary stuff. Then approach her and say something like " I want US to make a financial plan. I was interested in OUR finances and WE seem to be wasting a lot of money on late fees and Etc. " avoid statements that directly reference her, or indirectly accuse her of wrong doing. Sentences like "I want to get this debt under control." " we are partners, and I want to do my part in this"

Make it seem like you were interested in knowing where the money went. To be honest, you have already lost the high ground in this bargaining process. The tone of the relationship is already set, it will be difficult or impossible to "take charge" now.

I would suggest having 3 accounts, one for you, one for her, and one for bills. Suggest automatically dividing both of your checks into 3 appropriately sized amounts, one for each account. Have the account for bills set up so you can only access the account by check or automatic bill pay. Both of you should be able to monitor the bill pay account online.

If she gives you crap for reasonable suggestions like these, say something to the effect of: this relationship is a two way street. I am unhappy with being excluded from the financial management portion of the relationship. I want us to do this together.

Look! since you make less, and women are calculating bitches, you lose respect or make her unhappy either way this goes. If you accept a smaller portion of the allowed discretionary spending, she continues to lose respect for you as a partner. If you demand that you receive equal shares of discretionary income, she will inevitably hamster away stating she makes more than you, so she should have more...

If I were you, I would approach this like "austerity" period. Both of you make sacrifices until you are out of major debts (credit cards, and car loans, not housing loans). Give each of you a small but reasonable amount to spend each month. "This is how much we both need to get by for the next x months." Calculate how long it should take to pay off extra debt, and say we should adjust this arrangement when we are debt free. If she says she needs more than the amount you propose, consider her argument, and if it is reasonable increment the amount for both of you.

Good luck

oldredder · 2014-11-02T21:36:33+00:00

Being married means you already gave up real control of your finances.

You can cajole & manipulate her into making less costly choices for things she wants but if there's money to spend & she earned it you can't control her.

Maybe you can control what you earned but again, wife has real control in a North American marriage. "but she has realized we don't need half the stuff she wants" You're screwed. It's not her income, it's the ring on her finger.

That's why most of us are smart enough not to get married.

"Read manipulative/ peer pressure. Just so happens, she's the reason all her friends got into certain drugs in hs"

You're so finished. You can't control her.

boscoist · 2014-11-02T22:47:42+00:00

You could threaten divorce. As the lower earning spouse and you having been together for >10 years you could probably get 50% and "spousal support" to maintain the same standard of living. I've seen it done (my father) without any custody questions either. This is for CA.

copralalic · 2014-11-03T01:01:07+00:00

You're going to need extra (passive) dread to keep this relationship.

KyfhoMyoba · 2014-11-02T06:25:31+00:00

Before you can dominate the checkbook, you must dominate in the bedroom. Read Sex God Method, by Daniel Rose.

[deleted] · 2014-11-02T21:05:31+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Wife makes more money than I do. How do I get control of our finances?
Author	red_won
Upvotes	5
Comments	23
Date	November 2, 2014 4:48 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2l1i1g/wife_makes_more_money_than_i_do_how_do_i_get/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/wife-makes-more-money-than-i-do-how-do-i-get.143313 https://theredarchive.com/post/143313

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