First date sober. Learn from my mistake.

Kurigohan-Kamehameha · 2017-09-25T03:58:10+00:00

I appreciate your sentiment and will definitely take this into account but the title was a bit misleading, lol. It sounding like you're saying its a mistake to be sober on the first date.

recyclablebanthas · 2017-09-25T14:21:36+00:00

1

My problem was i was using no kino or escalation of any kind ( Something i naturally and effortlessly do drunk).

And the core of THAT problem might be that you've been coasting on a particular kind of situation that didn't require as much attentiveness. The ONLY way to know when and how much to escalate, is by paying attention. Which is going to be easier sober, than it ever was drunk.

As for escalation, realize that there are FAR more levels to it, than going for the kiss or any of the more extreme things you might have tried in night game.

Testing her space bubble. [Non-contact]
Light or safe touches like you might engage in with MALE friends. Like arm jabs, etc. [Non-sexual/platonic contact]
Paying attention when accidental contact happens. Like when your arms brush up against each other while walking. Or when legs or feet touch while sitting at a booth or table. [Incidental contact]

Basically, any time you come into contact with her or even get closer, she has an opportunity to show you whether you are welcome or not.

2

At the end of the date we both got in my car and i just made a bold move and went for the kiss. (A move that i pulled off in the same circumstance not even 3 months ago when drunk).

Couple of issues.

It wasn't a "bold move." It was a desperate Hail Mary because you were worried about not having escalated up to that point. Then you tried to skip over a bunch of steps that need to come before a kiss, all while being more concerned with your worries, rather than her state.
The thing here that should be considered, is you might not have been entirely welcome in that situation 3 months ago, but the girl might have gone with it, because she was drunk and might not have had the wherewithal to do otherwise. And out of 100+ girls, if both of you were drunk every time, this is a possibility that you may have veered into problematic territory here. The saving grace might be that you were in a band; groupies are often looking for band sex, so maybe you lucked out and 100% of those drunk girls were all sober enough to have given real consent. Maybe.

3

She pulled back and rejected and said " That was really bad timing i was in the middle of saying something" I definitely surprised her and caught her off guard. I tried to play it off and laughed and said "Well what can i say, I go after what i want".

Yikes. Bad reaction; trying to play it off as you did, roughly translated to, "I wasn't paying attention to where you were at, I was only concerned with what I wanted."

Plus, what she said was likely just an excuse: it was simply bad timing; you were forcing it. If you had been paying attention and she actually wanted it, it wouldn't matter if you interrupted her.

Ducharbaine · 2017-09-25T13:02:37+00:00

Thing is alcohol doesn't add anything to anybody that wasn't already there. All it does is drop your filters. All that smooth is still there you just need to learn to do it sober.

mydogfartzwithz · 2017-09-25T10:15:35+00:00

Im actually gonna add to this. Dont rely on any crutch for too long or you will have a HUGE wall to break through when you actually just begin to cold approach. Sure you can say na im not a loser I dont need to cold approach. Then you wont meet girls out by yourself. I relied heavily on pnline , i got so good at it till I was 22. Then I fell apart and havent been able to really pick a girl up in person except for a few but it fucks with my ego. "Youre such a player youre so good with bitches" itll say, then the hard truth is no youre actually not anymore lol. Fuck its rough out here

amohnacs · 2017-09-25T16:56:33+00:00

As soon as you start going out and interacting with women sober you'll realize that you'll have more fun and you're game will be way better than it ever would be drunk.

BestOfPUA · 2017-09-25T18:43:03+00:00

vegetarian, and very hipster and introverted

A big no-no in my book. I never had success with those types. I think it is lifestyle thing but I see that mostly very active/hippie/hiking/sports guys have success with these girls.

decided to quit drinking a couple months

I am an alcoholic who is trying to quit drinking as well. On the other hand, 89% of couples had their first sex when they were under the influence. I don't have time to get into too much details, but this is part of evolutionary psychology. Unlike men, women has 100s of checks in their mind before they have sex with guys. This is because if a woman has sex with the wrong guy, her babies will die and she will die. So, she won't pass her genes to next generation. It is because of that, the women who were very hesitant to their partners advances, until they made sure he was alpha enough, passed their genes to next generation more often. So, it became very common in society.

I have used a crutch my whole life and now that its been taken away from me

As I mentioned above, 89% of couples had their first sex when they were drunk. Don't think "I have used a crutch my whole life". You did what everyone else was doing and it is pretty much the norm these days. I don't know about your preferences but I have few things for dates. Sometimes I drink but lightly. Sometimes, I buy beers which has no alcohol for my self. Sometimes, I just say I am taking medicine for my xyz, buy them a beer and juice for my self.

Jordan Peterson says that part of transforming like the phoenix is being burned little by little in uncomfortable situations repeatedly until you become the superior version of yourself. I am at least proud that i had the balls to make a move without alcohol.

That is a very good quote and you did better than 99% of the male population!! Congrats!!

DavidGolani11 · 2017-09-26T01:11:24+00:00

Alcohol works against you a lot of the time. The moment a girl smells it on your breath and you haven't even started sharing a drink with her she thinks "alcoholic". and you are already in the doghouse. It also affects your game and your sexual performance. Bad game and bad sex will not get you future dates.

ClassyMuthaFucker · 2017-09-25T19:23:30+00:00

Alright my man, if you're asking for advice, let me give you the most sincere advice I can think of:

I have lived my life specifically avoiding drugs and alcohol not because I don't like them, but because I've seen what they've done to others around me. While I commend you for your efforts in quitting alcohol, I'd also like to echo the sentiments of George Carlin by saying I shouldn't be giving you a pat on the back for not doing something you shouldn't have been doing anyways, but I know how life is and good for you for making the decision to be sober.

With that out of the way, no shit you're going to be bad. I was anti-social as fuck for my early life, so I had a hard time adapting to social situations because of crippling social anxiety. I also went through a crisis of confidence and went from not being able to kiss a girl for the first 20 years of my life to fucking every girl I went out with and then not being able to work up the courage to kiss, back to fucking every girl I see, so I know what you're going through on that front. Here's what worked for me to get me back to where so am now.

Keep socializing. I went a few months celibate by choice and didn't socialize much. That fucked up my game more than 20 years of being a kiss-less virgin ever did. I know there's gonna be peer pressure to drink when you go out, but just power through it Regularly exercise the social muscle. Think of alcohol as a steroid. If you want to socialize, you can go from introvert to life of the party a lot quicker with 3 shots than with years of hard effort and dedication. Do what I've done in the past: stay sober the entire party. You'll feel uncomfortable for a while, and it's weird being the only sober person there, but just go through the pain of multiple parties and your social muscle will be made of steel and you'll see the benefits of this everywhere else in your life. Become the Phoenix.

2.Read pickup material. What helped me get my confidence back (besides socializing with actual human beings without being an autistic fuck after a few failed attempts) was reading PUA stuff. This subreddit and TheRedPill are what have been working for me for improving myself and how I interact with women. You may not need TRP,but I recommend you at least check it out. Any time I run into an obstacle or see an opportunity for improvement, I read the stuff here until I feel confident I know what to do next time I'm placed in that situation, or how to avoid that situation entirely. Good students study, and while you may have intrinsically knew what you were doing where you were drunk and you have plenty of experience, but you're new to this whole sober thing and it's a completely different animal to go from drunken party master to the guy who won't even take a shot to loosen up. This is a new environment for you. You need to learn to game sober. It may come easy to you after a while or you may find it's a part of you that's locked away and only comes out with tequila, but either way, you need a refresher course because, like you yourself said, you've never done this sober.

Work on your Kino. Remember I told you I lost the ability to kiss? My trick is that there's 100 other things I do before I kiss. Those guys you see in pick up videos making out with a girl within 2 minutes of meeting her do exactly what I do, just at a quicker pace (because they're more experienced). They begin escalating by 1. Getting closer to the girl. 2. Occasional light touches 3. More frequent touching 4. Holding 5. Kissing and 6+ So on till your peepee is in her butt. Your first move should not have been a kiss. That right there was the mistake. You should have been escalating from the moment you met her and checking her body language the whole night. Once you have that down, Kino is easy.

4.Work on your frame. Frame, for a quick rundown, is basically your confidence and willpower. You're going to be in situations where you want to drink and you're going to need to resist it. Peer pressure is an exceptionally effective tool at making people cave. A strong frame is immune to outside influences. When you're drunk, you don't give a single fuck. It's a state that you can access sober, but like I mentioned earlier, it takes time and a loooooot of effort. You're in an uncomfortable place right now. You're used to gaming drunk. You were stone cold sober and you just got rejected and you truly felt it. That’ll sting a little and your confidence might dip for a minute or two, and that’s okay. You just need to remind yourself you're the shit regardless, get back on that horse and ride it till it's dead from how hard you rode it.

You'll see that with time, if you can bare the pressure, it'll turn your lumpy coal ass into a diamond. Or you'll rise like a Phoenix or whatever metaphor you want to use. I wish you luck on your journey, man. Have fun. You’ll know you're doing something right when you enjoy being called a little bitch because you won't drink and you just laugh.

Title	First date sober. Learn from my mistake.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	29
Comments	10
Date	September 25, 2017 2:39 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/729ojz/first_date_sober_learn_from_my_mistake/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/first-date-sober-learn-from-my-mistake.1434263 https://theredarchive.com/post/1434263

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