This whole thing will be tl;dr but please bear with me. I moved to a new city a few years ago at the age of 19. Growing up never really had a lot of friends and was a shy loner throughout high school. I would always get WAAAY too attached to any girl who showed me attention . I didn't lose my virginity until 19. After that getting laid seemed almost too easy. I'm not sure what happened. Suddenly girls started thinking I was cute, I started partying and I even had sex with a couple girls who already had boyfriends (didn't know at the time). But in my head I was still the skinny, awkward creepy kid.

In August/September 2013 I met a girl at a new job I had gotten. Cute Latina, seemed like a sweet girl, overweight but very pretty. We flirted almost immediately but I was VERY awkward since I had 0 game whole sober. She would tell me I was really cute, tell me I had gorgeous eyes and complimented me on how smart I was. I didn't know at first but she had a rough life. She had a son from some loser she went to high school with (she was a year younger than me), and she had a second child who was stillborn. She lived with this guy and his entire family in an apartment. She eventually opened up to me about how she was abused/molested when she was younger while in foster care (parents were drug addicts). I felt a lot of compassion for her.

We would tease each other at work but sometimes she would just be straight up mean, kind of implying I was a pussy or a bitch ("I bet your girl would have to protect you...") bullshit like that. I figured she just didn't know any better since she was used to fake macho knuckledragging Mexican guys (no offense to latinbros out there), and since I know how difficult things were for her I wouldn't call her a bitch or cause any workplace drama when she would cross the line.

Eventually she broke up with this guy because she finally saw that she had other options in life and moved in with a couple friends at a new place. She seemed to be more calm at work and we talked more. We ended up going out a couple times and signing up for this acting/modeling agency thing and she seemed really excited about it. Then she started wanting to talk to me more and saying things like "I actually care about what you think of me," "good things have started happening since I started hanging out with you," "we should do this as a couple," etc.

Our office ended up closing down sometime last February . By that time I was the top producer in the whole place. Skinny weird kid kicking ass in sales, who would have thought? So after that we ended up doing things for this agency together and hanging out on a more regular basis. We made plans to go to LA together and when I texted her to follow up on our plans. She didn't answer for 4 days but I held my frame and didn't try to contact her again. Then I get a text at about 4am.

"OK I wanna hang out but every time we do I get this feeling... I know I care about you but I feel like it could turn into something more. Maybe I'm just crazy its probably nothing right?"

I texted her back just telling her there must be a reason for what she's feeling. I didn't tell her I felt the same way but I tried to talk it out with her but she wanted to change the subject.

So we made plans to hang out again but it was definitely more of a date. We got wasted on Bacardi and started rubbing up on each other and holding hands. We were back in my car and I was stroking her hair and started saying she wished it was me she had a kid with. She said she loved me and wished she was with me. then it took a dark turn and she started talking about how her dad molested her. I felt weird making a move at this point and she was absolutely obliterated so I was a nice guy and I drove her home after she passed out.

The next day she called me asking if we had sex. I feel like this was another shit test because obviously she would know. She said she didn't remember what she said last night hut texted me all day. I was supposed to go to her place later that night and she said she was making herself uncomfortable because of the feelings she had for me, I finally told her I felt the same, we decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend.

The next day was the anniversary of her second son's death and her mom overdosed on drugs, she texted me telling me she didn't think it was going to work out between us. She said she didn't want to ruin my life with what was going on in hers, she loved me but shes mot ready for a relationship, etc. I fucked up by letting this be okay with me.

At this point my drinking had gotten completely out of control. I called her and texted her nonstop over a 3 day period, she threatened to call the police (I never said anything bad to her, just asked her for help and she ignored me the entire time). I checked into rehab. When I came out of rehab I explained the situation to her, told her I was sorry if I freaked her out and everything was back to normal.

We kept making plans to hang out and everything seemed fine, but she would act strange over text. Something would always "come up" and I always gage her the benefit of the doubt. Over the ENTIRE summer I made plans with her every 2 weeks and nothing happened. I even ditched my friends because I thought me and her were going out together. these nights usually ended with me drinking alone.

So I still texted her like a beta orbiter. Back in November we were talking one night and she said "I love you but I'm just gonna say it flat... I'm hooked on drugs, I'm a piece of shit. Its just in my blood." I was so upset that I just broke down in tears. I didn't want her to end up this way. I knew her ghetto ass friends had something to do with this and I knew bad things would start happening after she turned 21 and could legally drink.

So my birthday was in December. I told her I wanted to see her. At this point I have driven away all of my friends because I keep drinking and obsessing about this one dumb bitch. So we make plans to meet up and she bails. Again. She says "I was there but I left. You're just good in every possible way and it scares me." Whatever. I give her the benefit of the doubt AGAIN and she FINALLY comes through. Shows up and gives me a big long hug and she was with some weird looking girl and we sit and have coffee and talk for about 30 mins.

She was acting very weird and out of it the entire time. She kept calling herself a whore, making drug and sexual innuendos. It was very uncomfortable and I was screaming inside. I tried to ask her what she had really been doing and she just said "its none of your business" and walked out of the place. She said I'll just text you everything but I have to go!" She never did.

Anyway, we had a few drunken "I love you" conversations over text but I changed my number a few weeks ago so she can no longer contact me. Now that I'm sober I realize just how pathetic this really was. Now I'm in a place where I have no friends, no money, no education. I'm 22 years old and I'm a loser who placed all of his value and self worth on one useless bitch who he never even had sex with. How could I do this? She was the only girl to ever tell me she loved me and that's what sucked me in. I can't believe I did this to myself. I could have been having sex with other girls and making something of my life.

Can I even be fixed? I don't even know what I'm worth anymore. I wasn't even good enough for a drug addict single mother. I just want feedback. Call me a pussy, bitch, I don't care. I'm at the bottom and I need to know how to feel normal again.