We reconnected about a year ago, together for 8 months and it was a bit of a surprise to both of us how close we got to each other, and how fast. We never intended to get together, yet we did. And it was comfortable, safe, and at the time exactly what I, a nearly-friendless virgin, needed more than anything. She helped me grow, gave me more confidence with women... gave me value in myself... You may be catching on to the issue here. She became my only ever close friend (and still is), she is pretty much the only thing that staves off my loneliness, when we were together and also now that we are just friends.

And that's the thing. If we stayed together I would've been comfortable, safe and would never need to test my social boundaries again. I would never need to improve. But I want to improve. And if we were together for another year or more, and then she left me... I know now it would destroy me.

Now that we aren't together I get jealous of her and potential other partners, I initiate physically to constant (gentle) half-rejections. Now that we aren't together I can see how pathetic I really am when I don't bother maintaining my frame (cause I never felt I had to around her), and I find myself once again resenting men around me that are better.

It sucks, but this is what it means to not be ready for a long-term relationship. When it feels like it's the solution to all your problems and negative feelings, it's really just a crutch. Eventually, whomever you're with will get sick of propping you up, realize how pathetic you are, and leave you.

I'm getting back to the gym, back in school, new job, working on new tinder pics. Back in the game, until I see myself as who capable of being who I want to be, with and without a partner. Then I expect she'll be the jealous one ;)