Today we're working together in the house to get something done before friends arrive. I split a task in two, giving one half to each fo us. She comes up to me, confused about something she's trying to do. I give her a very specific action to take, i.e. take x,y,z over to that table and do this with them. This was spoken in a very calm manner. She later determined that I gave her the wrong instructions, and it should have been x,y,w instead of z. She figures it out and gets her half done.

We then start loading the car up to run a recycling errand before our friends arrive. I head out the door first with two recycling bins in hand. From inside the door she asks, "did you grab the cardboard?" I respond, "No. Grab something and come load the car." I'll be honest that I was a tad bothered by her question. It felt a lot like how a woman can ask you "did you take out the trash? did you clean the toilet? did you do x that I wanted done?" I felt that I remained pretty calm regardless of this internal thought process.

She calls me a jerk. She tells me her feelings are hurt. She says I was purposefully being mean.

I actively listen, saying "I can tell that your feelings are hurt." She quiets down and says nothing for the rest of the ride to the recycling center.

We make stops at a couple of stores. She follows me through the parking lot, a few paces behind. I notice and continue at my own pace. At the first store, her conversation with the clerk we know was a bit subdued. At the second store, waiting in line, I playfully bump her and she gives me a weak, sad smile.

The dinner with friends goes well. It was the two of us, her female friend and her friend's 4-year-old daughter Amanda. I was conversationally dominant when I wanted to be, and I felt I was received well. We all had some good laughs.

Later, it's just the two of us. She breaks down and says she doesn't understand why I was so mean. Why I always behave the way I want to behave, even if it hurts her feelings. How if things were the other way around and she hurt my feelings, I wouldn't be having any of it. She felt that when I gave her commands, I was doing it in a jerk-manner. I was being mean. I was angry, and I was acting out my anger on her.

I actively listen to her and qualify her upset emotions. I say that yes, I was giving her direct actions to do. I tell her that if it makes her sleep better at night, she can believe that I acted out of anger. I didn't budge in my frame.

Slowly, her armor began to crack. She acknowledged that maybe I wasn't acting out of anger. However, I did hurt her feelings, so I was still acting like a jerk. I told her that this is part of the package deal. I told her I'm not trying to hurt her feelings, and if her feelings are hurt due to me speaking directly in as calm a manner as I can muster, that's the way it'll be.

She deescalated herself. She calmed herself down. She acknowledged that these are her feelings, and she needs to deal with them.

After a time, I go and sit next to her on the couch. I can see she's still feeling hurt. I give her a hug, and she starts whining about how its not fair that she feels this way. She says it must be nice for me to have the strength to not be bothered by this sort of thing. I'm still feeling the distance. She's not falling back into my frame. I'm not putting much more effort into this, other than letting her know I'm there for her. We give each other a roommate's goodnight and part ways.

How can I direct her actions and firmly deal with her resistance in the moment without it building up to a nasty head like it did tonight?