I posted this yesterday, but the mods asked me to tone down the tough love vibe of the post. I did that and tried to preserve some of the educational humor.

If you listen to r/dating_advice and you don't have your own experiences, you might think a sexual moment with a woman starts like this:

"Excuse me miss, my name is Sir Eunuch McDickless ScrotumChin III, Esquire, may I offer you a kiss upon thine plump lips? Oh thank you m'lady, that bubblegum lip balm is exquisite. May I now touch your gluteus maximus with mine sensual left hand? It's very soft because I use the king's finest lotion every night before mummy reads me my favorite bedtime story. Oh I'm sorry, I should've asked first, is it ok that I have an erection?"

How many of the attractive women in your life do you think are on Reddit in the first place, let alone doling out advice on how to initiate intimacy? The only kind of women who have the time and desire to do that shit are the kind you shouldn't listen to. So here's how to actually navigate initiating intimacy.

NORMAL WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO BE ASKED ABOUT EVERY LITTLE FUCKING STEP YOU TAKE.

When you ASK about escalating every little detail. You're taking both yourself and her out of the moment. You're forcing her to consciously think rather than to just revel in the experience. Sex is an experience you are sharing with your partner. Sex isn't something men do to women. Women aren't retarded. They are completely capable of setting their own boundaries and expressing a change in their comfort level if they need to. You are creating an intimate moment together. You don't need to narrate it like David Attenborough.

Asking repeatedly can also sub-communicate that you think all these little moves are a big deal. This, in turn, may cause her to slut-shame herself. Why? Because now she thinks you're some sort of uptight Puritan who thinks that having your hand on her ass is a big deal, and that she's coming across as too easy to you. I have witnessed this happen to a friend, who spent half the night in the club asking a woman who was clearly really into him for "micro-consent" to do every tiny thing. She wasn't flattered. She didn't find it endearing. She didn't go to Reddit to gush about how respectful he was. She looked at him like he was an idiot, and eventually walked away.

Learn to recognize the obvious non-verbal signs that a woman IS or IS NOT attracted to you and ready for physical contact. Example of an obvious sign: you're in a club and she has been rubbing her ass onto your pelvic area, which likely includes your half-chubbed schween, for half an hour.

Ways to initiate a kiss. (listed in the order that has most commonly occurred in my life)

  1. The moment is incredibly obvious and you just do it. This means you are making eye contact and she's giving you the anime googly eyes. My preferred approach is to brush her hair behind her ear with one hand, and then using the same hand to LIGHTLY lift her chin into a kiss. This gives you the chance to SEE any hesitation, but 99% of the time you won't, because if you aren't an ape (or have a legitimate social/mental disability) it will be incredibly obvious that she's down in the first place. If you don't see any hesitation, pucker up and enjoy the kiss. This is my take on the "90/10 rule," and I think it's a far better approach than just leaning in and praying.
  2. Asking in the form of a statement. Again, you should be making eye contact. You shouldn't be sitting side by side on the couch awkwardly holding hands like 12-year-olds. Even if you haven't, act like you've fucking been here before.

"You know, I really want to kiss you."

or

"I've wanted to kiss you since [insert moment here]."

Signs a kiss is welcome: She gushes and giggles / She playfully teases you: "oh really, what should we do about that?"

(Side note for women reading: dear god, please tease and banter more, even if you are really into the guy)

Signs a kiss is not welcome: She looks at you like you're a chimp / She makes a face like the yikes emoji.

  1. Actually asking. I'm not suggesting you completely disavow this. For women who are shy and totally inexperienced, this is a great approach. HOW YOU SAY IT still matters. Done properly, this will make some women melt in your arms.

They are completely capable of setting their own boundaries and expressing a change in their comfort level if they need to.

Totally inexperienced women can be an exception to this general rule. With a little experience, you'll be able to tell the difference between a woman who knows what the fuck she's doing and one who doesn't.

BAD: "Uh... ummm... ah shit... *takes puff from inhaler*... uhhhh Julie, could I uh... *another puff* please kiss you?"

GOOD: *SMILING AND MAKING EYE CONTACT, SPEAKING SEDUCTIVELY*

"Can I kiss you, Julie?" -- this is one of the only times in game where it's actually appropriate to imitate a character like James Bond. That Daniel Craig seductive tone is what you're going for here.

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In the future, I may make additional posts for contact beyond kissing, and in different environments (nightlife, daytime public, at home). For now, chew on this. Oh, you don't trust me that r/dating_advice is written by weirdos? Prove it to yourself.

Mental experiment: Does that guy you see at every party surrounded by 4 women have to ask the one he has mutual chemistry with to kiss him, or does he just pick a moment and do it? Did all the guys you see making out with women at clubs ask them first? Does your friend who has a different Tinder hookup every weekend turn sex into Jeopardy by asking 10,000,000 "micro-consent" questions?

Practical experiment: Ask some of your girl-friends or other women in your life. "Think about the last guy you kissed (or the first time they kissed their current partner). Did he ask first?"

Other: WATCH INFIELD.

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Important Note: If you are a socially awkward guy who has so far not even kissed a woman, you may benefit from being a little more interrogative until you get more experience. Focus on trying to understand the appropriate moments where the emotional landscape is right. This is one of those things that seem like a big deal for you until one day you wake up and realize you're a smooching god and you haven't thought about it mechanically in 5 years.

I would also not apply the advice of "act like you've been here before" to sex the same way I would to kissing. If you meet a genuinely cool/kind/considerate woman and you know you're in a moment where you're about to have sex, you can be vulnerable and let her know you don't have much experience. The likely result will be that you don't need to worry about asking a damn thing because she'll be the one initiating all the escalation.