Hello r/asktrp, I recently went through a sudden breakup in my first big relationship and I was wondering if you guys could give me advice on what I did wrong in the relationship and what to do in the future. I know I screwed up on a lot but don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future. Thank you so much.

Our relationship started over Instagram DMs when we were both 17. The first months went amazing and we were inseparable. 3 months into the relationship she told me she didn’t want to have sex until she was married, but I figured since I was her first bf and she had a bad experience with another guy trying to push her she’d sway. She eventually became comfortable with hjs and bjs but not sex. I asked her if she wants to have sex and she says she does, but that there’s some form of mental or physical block she can’t explain. I try to help her with this for a month and eventually she says that the best thing to do is give her time to herself to work on it and for me not to talk about it.

Fast forwards a little less than 4 months later and it comes to surface that she really hadn’t done anything about it, and that she hadn’t even researched what she had further than women in magazines talking about their first times. However, she had lied to me she was making progress the whole time. (This was all at the beginning of last summer). I was incredibly pissed, and told her if she was not over the “mental block” by the end of the summer that I’d end the relationship for college. She said that if all she was to me was sex she’d end it right then, and we unofficially broke up for about 10 minutes before I caved and said I’d be fine as long as she made an effort.

In the following months, I researched and found she had something called vaginismus, which is a phobia of sex that makes everything tense up and hurt. I told her about this but I had to get her in touch with resources that would help as she didn’t do anything about it. Over the summer we talked a lot about going long distance for college (I’m in Massachusetts she’s in Maine) and I always seemed confident and she was back and forth between confident and worried.

In the first week of college, I had the opportunity to come visit her and she claimed she was still settling in. I stayed on top of her about working through vaginismus and bought her a dilation kit to use. She would only use it if I stayed on top of her and when she said it’d be best to let her do it by herself she stopped.

On the morning of my 19th birthday she called and brought it up that the relationship had lost its spark and that night she broke up with me over the phone, and told me she couldn’t see any way for the spark to come back. She was already coming back for that weekend and planned to come over, but she said that coming over would be buying time and she decided not to try. She gave me all the typical bullshit after breaking up (let’s still be friends, you deserve better, I know you’ll find the one, I procrastinate to much, etc.) I have since gone no contact with her, and will probably not ever be willing to take her back but not sure. What’re you guys’ thoughts? I’ve been told she made herself lose feelings while she still had me around so she could go be a whore in college.

And I know it seems like I was a jerk who tried to push her to have sex, but there were only a few instances over the whole relationship where I got on top of her about it, as she never had her own drive to do anything and I was worried no sex would ruin the relationship. She was always fairly lazy, and despite being 19, had never gotten her license and wanted to pursue an English degree in college (mostly for the easy ness). And when you asked her questions about things she would often give you a ton of bullshit with a little truth mixed in. What would you guys suggest I do from here? Was she really a quality girl?

Thank you so much guys. Sorry for it being so lengthy

Edit: Forgot to mention I am now focusing on myself and going to the gym every day, as well as going on multi-mile runs.