I am not where I want to be in life. I have very little experience with women. I've spent the last 16 years working to make sure my brothers made it through a good high school and now that my last brother is graduating I'm basically starting from the bottom. I'm out of shape in my early 30's (though I've been in the gym 4 to 5 days a week since last december), in a dead end job, taking the HISET in a couple weeks and I think I'm going to get a machinist cert and A&P cert afterwards. Whichever one will get me a higher paying job sooner, the other will come later. My point is that the few times I've had a girlfriend, she made me extra motivated but my head game wasn't there because of how much I've had to sacrifice of myself all these years. To be completely honest it's still not fully there, I'm just a bit more experienced in life I guess.

I really just want a wife man. Someone to help motivate me to keep working harder and wants to build a life together with me. I don't know why having a girl motivates me but it always has. I actually got into a ldr with a girl a couple months ago who I had met online and she really motivated me to push harder on all fronts. She ended up dumping me a few weeks ago though but I haven't given up on the positive things I've been doing. It's just a little harder because I'm lonely again. Sure I have my family, but none of us are all that close and I've been craving intamicy and love.

How have some of you guys dealt with this in the past? I'm just feeling kind of overwhelmed and desperate for change that seems so unbearably far away. My social skills are ass too. I've always been the quiet brooding type and my online friends have always described me as boring and rational. My cousin says I need to loosen up. Sometimes it feels like there's just this shadow that hangs over my head all the time though that I can only ever temporarily escape.

Sorry this post is kind of scatterbrained. My mind is often 1000 steps ahead of everywhere else.